Action: Today I will be kind to myself.
Affirmation: This is who I am and I feel glad to be me.
Essential Practice 3
Taking Care of Ourselves
‘When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, “You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.” And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.’
QUEEN LATIFAH
As women we often find it far easier to give love than to receive it. Culturally we’re encouraged to be selfless, putting others’ needs before our own. It can feel more comfortable to love our friends, partners and children than ourselves. Being kind to yourself can even feel indulgent, greedy and selfish. But it isn’t. It’s vital.
Our bodies need love just as much as our hearts and minds – and if they don’t get it, they often start filling the deficit by looking for it elsewhere. Perhaps in a partner who’s not good for us, in endless box sets, or tubs of Häagen-Dazs. Or maybe it’ll play out at work where we crave a disproportionate amount of recognition or online as we develop a low-level shopping addiction.
Ignoring our needs can become habitual. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it, and we may not even see it as a problem. Maybe we’re comfortable living small – or, at least, we tell ourselves we are. We may give ourselves just enough to get by so there are no crises, but we never actually reach our full potential.
Some of us shove our wants and needs deep down inside so that we can be nice. Or maybe we call it being realistic. If we don’t ‘want’, we can’t be disappointed when we don’t ‘get’, our subconscious reasoning goes. But our needs are still there, gnawing away at us from beneath layers of self-protection. The problem is, we risk sabotaging the good that awaits us if we don’t attend to them.
EXERCISE: Befriend Yourself
This is an exercise to help you identify the things you may be missing in life.
Have your journal handy. Then take five breaths in and out to centre yourself. Now imagine that a close female friend – someone you really love – is having a tough time. You invite her to stay over for a few days and to prepare for her arrival you make a list of things you could do to make her feel loved and cared for. Perhaps you’ll run her a hot bubble bath at the end of each day to unwind. Maybe you’ll take her to a movie or a walk through the park to your favourite coffee shop. Or perhaps download a comedy that you know will make her laugh or create a special playlist for her to listen to.
Make your own list – put at least ten things on it. Notice what happens to your energy as you write each item. Let yourself imagine how happy and cared for she’ll feel. Now circle the three things that you think would be most fun and uplifting for her to do.
OK, here’s your assignment: do those three things for YOURSELF. Take out your diary and schedule them in. Notice any resistance – in particular the voice that tells you this is silly or that you’re too busy/tired/broke. From now on you’re going to cherish yourself as you would someone you love deeply. If you’ve got time to do more than three then go for it. And don’t forget to enjoy yourself – this exercise is about allowing yourself to have fun.
The list you’ve just made is a great resource. You can turn to it when the going gets tough. Add to it whenever you think of something else you’d enjoy and use it whenever you feel needy or depleted. As a rule of thumb, schedule a minimum of one fun or nurturing experience every week. More if you’re able.
‘I’ve been searching for ways to heal myself, and I’ve found that kindness is the best way.’
LADY GAGA
As you do the work laid out in this book, one of your aims will be to treat yourself as if you were your own best friend.
If you find yourself about to do something that might cause you harm, ask, ‘Would I do this to someone I love?’ If you find you’re berating yourself for a mistake, ask, ‘Would I talk like this to someone I love?’ If you find you’re ‘comfort’ eating or spending money you haven’t got, ask yourself, ‘Would I want someone I love to do that to themselves?’ It takes time to establish new behaviours, but do your very best to interrupt any negative habitual responses that you notice as often as you can.
Don’t blame or shame yourself; have compassion, and use your list to come up with kinder ways of comforting yourself. Some may find this harder than others, some may even find it excruciating. But it’s really important that the love starts with you, that you start embracing all aspects of yourself from here on out to the best of your ability. It may seem like a mountain to climb today, but we’re all in this together and there will be hundreds if not thousands of women on the same path to extend a helping hand.
Precious vessels
‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.’
AUDRE LORDE
Our bodies house all that is vital to our existence, yet we judge them and abuse them, and allow others to as well. Eating disorders and rates of self-harm continue to escalate and even those of us who stop short of obviously harmful behaviours often struggle with how we see ourselves.
Billions of dollars are spent each year trying to convince us that our lives would be better if we changed the way we looked. We may think of ourselves as independent-minded feminists, but on average we spend more time and money on trying to look good than ever before. Even the women’s magazines that profess to boost our independence and confidence frequently encourage us to compare and improve our bodies, boosting sales by stoking our fear that we’re not good enough as we are.
It’s not surprising so many of us struggle with how we see ourselves and, by extension, how we treat ourselves.
Criticizing our physical form can also be a way of avoiding our real feelings. It can be easier to hate our bodies than to admit we’re feeling sad or lonely or let down. Plus, if we can blame our physical body for our situation, we have an element of control and a scapegoat. Our subconscious thinking goes, ‘My body is to blame – and there’s something I can do about it – I can starve it or over-exercise it or ignore it.’
How we treat our bodies is an indicator of our emotional and spiritual state. If we’re not comfortable in our own skin it means we have internal work to do and emotional wounds to heal. Our ultimate goal is to inhabit our bodies and selves with ease, joy and grace.
As a result of walking this path we will come to see our bodies as unique and precious vessels rather than objects to criticize and compare. But for the principles to work their magic you first need to get some basics in place.
Think of what happens to a toddler who doesn’t get enough food or sleep – tantrums. We may be older and more sophisticated, but our bodies have the same needs and our emotions will be affected if those needs are not met.
It can be humbling to discover that quite often when our emotions are out of control it’s not because of the complexity of the issues we’re facing, but because we’ve been ignoring a simple physical need – like keeping our blood sugar level steady.
TIP: HALT is an acronym for:
Hungry