We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere. Gillian Anderson

confused about where my loyalties lay because my parents were American and I loved the US – where the sun always seemed to shine and I was plied with candy. When I was 11, we moved to Michigan. I was so excited at the prospect of living in the land of milkshakes and hamburgers. But the reality was, I was still the kid with the ‘funny’ accent. I eventually modulated my speech to fit in, but I still felt like the outsider and I deeply missed my other home.

      Today, I still feel torn – the UK has my heart and soul, but the US is in my genes. I’ve lived in London again now for 15 years and it is second nature to go back and forth with the accent depending on where I am and to whom I’m speaking. This has confused people along the way and the question of falseness has meant that I’ve had to look at it closely. It would be easy for me to attach a ‘bad’ label to my intentions or to judge myself as being disengenuous, but I’ve come to accept that adapting to my mixed cultural identity has been vital to my well-being, and despite the fact that it’s confusing and awkward sometimes, I have come to own the reality that they are both the authentic me.

      GA

      You may discover that you’ve abandoned your own desires and even your tastes for those of your family, friends or partner. Maybe it was easier that way or perhaps you never allowed yourself the space to develop your own likes and dislikes to begin with, and it was a relief to have a ready-made set of preferences handed to you. Or perhaps you never allowed yourself the chance to hope for what you really wanted because it seemed impossible to achieve.

      Ask yourself: ‘Whose life am I currently living? What would my life look like if I could have anything, be anything, do anything?’

      These can be really scary questions to answer truthfully. Don’t censor your answers or limit them with personal considerations. During this early stage, getting to know yourself can feel unsettling, daunting, even frightening. What if you’re overwhelmed by longings and hopes that you suppressed in childhood? What if you discover you’re married to the wrong person or that you hate what you do for a living? Or maybe you worry that you won’t be able to do anything about what you find. Change of this magnitude can feel terrifying, but see if you can start to take small steps to move towards where you want to be. Fears will inevitably surface, and they can at first seem paralysing or overwhelming. Do your best to move through them at your own pace. Trust, just as you would if you were pregnant, that within you is a living, breathing being whom you are absolutely going to love.

      Allowing yourself to discover your true longings will reset your internal sat nav. You can’t even begin to get to where you’d love to be if you haven’t yet entered the real destination.

      Noticing and naming

      ‘Seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.’

      JANE AUSTEN, EMMA

      Noticing and naming are two of WE’s most important tools. You’ll be using them for the rest of this journey and hopefully the rest of your life. The answers lie within each and every one of us, and noticing and naming provide the mechanics with which we start finding them. Your journal will continue to be a valuable tool throughout this whole process, so keep it close for all these new discoveries.

      Noticing

      Noticing is like a flashlight in the dark – it leads you to awareness. Allow yourself to notice what’s going on inside and around you. Don’t judge it or be impatient for answers. Just be curious. You can’t be honest about something you don’t know exists. Noticing will bring insight. You’ll spot contradictions, you’ll spot inconsistencies, and then over time you’ll start to spot what’s congruent with the real you and what isn’t.

      Perhaps you don’t actually want the promotion you’ve applied for because it will leave you with even less time with your kids, but you’re scared to admit it lest you look like you’re giving up on your feminist ideals.

      Or maybe deep down you know you don’t want children, but you pretend to be broody because you fear the dismay and pain coming clean will evoke in your parents or partner.

      Remember ACT – Action Changes Things. Well, noticing is an action, so notice what you tell yourself, notice what you tell other people, notice how you feel, and allow yourself to become aware of what the reality of your life is.

      Naming

      Once you’ve noticed an uncomfortable reality, it can be easy to want to slip back into denial. If you spot buried and painful emotions or truths, it can be tempting to sweep what you’ve noticed right back under the carpet. Naming is how we stop denial from creeping back in.

      Sometimes acknowledging what you’ve noticed feels like it will be enough, but it isn’t. Things become more real when you name them. Write it down in your journal so it’s there in black and white. If you have someone safe to talk to – a therapist, a non-judgemental friend, then say it aloud to her too.

      Out the truth. Notice it and then name it – in writing and, if you can, out loud.

      Of course, notice and name what brings you joy and peace too. Take nothing for granted. You are on a mission to chart your own internal territory. It is an eye-opening and profound experience being this honest. Do your best to embrace the process and enjoy the wonder of meeting yourself anew.

      People-pleasing

      It’s natural to want to be liked and to want to be kind. But people-pleasing – saying yes when you mean no or pretending you like something when you don’t – is a form of dishonesty. We all do it, but if we do it without noticing and naming it, sooner or later we lose sight of what we do actually want and need.