‘Right,’ Nadine said. ‘You at Ferham Primary?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied, stubbing out the fag she’d given me as I blew out the last of its smoke. ‘What a shithole.’
‘I sometimes go chilling there at night with my mates,’ Nadine said. ‘It’s a laugh.’ She lit up another fag, blowing smoke in my face. I tried not to flinch. ‘Actually, I’m going there in a bit. Want to come?’
‘Okay,’ I said, as casually as I could. ‘Cool.’
To this day, I can’t explain why I was so hypnotised by Nadine. Perhaps it was because she was so loud and confident. She was hardly a good role model. As I replay this scene in my head almost thirteen years later, I desperately want to give myself a shake and tell myself not to go; to stay at the pub with Laura and Mum and forget all about her.
But that’s not what happened. Of course, I did go with Nadine. For as long as I could remember, my classmates had made me feel like a freak, but now this cool older girl wanted to be my mate. Sure, I had some older mates from Elaine’s, but Nadine seemed different. I was already under her spell.
I had no way of knowing that my new friend would soon open the door to another world, a world I really didn’t want to enter. For all my bravado, my eleven-year-old self had no idea what horrors lay in store. Nadine and I weren’t going to swap CDs and talk about nail varnish like other young girls.
Nadine was someone to hang around with, someone who might even give me some of her stolen booze.
I went into the back of the pub, where Mum was cleaning some glasses.
‘Can I go to the park for a bit?’ I asked.
I explained that I’d made a new friend called Nadine, but I didn’t let on how old she was, so Mum said yes. Her shift didn’t finish until late that night, and I knew Mark was babysitting because he was due to pick Laura and me up soon to take us home for dinner.
‘Don’t stay out too late – you’ve got school tomorrow,’ she told me, but I didn’t pay much attention. I knew Mark wouldn’t be bothered if I came in a bit later than I was meant to.
Half an hour later, Nadine summoned me to the back door of the pub. She’d obviously been home because she’d changed out of her school uniform and was wearing jeans and a hoodie. I grabbed my school bag, feeling a mix of nerves and anticipation. I expected her to nick another bottle of booze from behind the bar, and I was a little disappointed when she didn’t.
‘Let’s go,’ she said.
But as we walked along the road towards my school, Nadine fished a crumpled £20 note out of the pocket of her jeans.
‘I took this from my mum’s purse,’ she boasted. ‘Daft cow. What do you drink?’
‘Cider, usually,’ I replied.
‘We’ll get vodka,’ she said. ‘It’s well better.’
I’d never tried vodka before but I got the impression I didn’t have much say in the matter. We stopped at a local corner shop and there was a scruffy looking man stood outside, asking people if they had any spare change.
‘I just pay the smackheads to go in and get my booze,’ Nadine said.
I watched as she handed the man a handful of change – it couldn’t have been more than a pound in total, but he seemed happy.
‘What you after?’ he asked.
‘A litre bottle of vodka and two bottles of Coke,’ Nadine replied.
A few minutes later, the man reappeared with a blue carrier bag and we walked to the playground. The sun was beginning to set and it looked a bit different at night, without all the kids buzzing around.
‘Looks like it’s just us,’ Nadine said. I felt a surge of satisfaction as I realised she’d chosen to hang around with me, on my own.
Some people might find it shocking that all I wanted to do at eleven was mess about with older people and get drunk out of my head. Some girls my age were still playing with dolls. But back then I was so desperate to fit in, I’d have done anything to feel accepted. Plus, it wasn’t like we had much else to do. We could rarely afford cinema trips or fancy toys like some kids could, so we had to make our own entertainment somehow or go mad with boredom. In a town with lots of poverty and not much hope, drinking and taking drugs often seemed like the only option.
Nadine took a Coke bottle from the carrier bag and poured half of it onto the ground. It fizzed as it made a puddle at my feet. She then topped it up with vodka and handed it to me, before making one up for herself. I took a huge swig and it took everything in my power not to gag. The vodka was much stronger than the cheap cider I was used to. Even mixed with Coke, it tasted foul and burned my mouth. Nadine laughed so much she snorted.
‘You all right there?’ she said.
‘Yeah,’ I said, screwing up my face as I took another sip. ‘I just always drink cider, that’s all.’
‘It tastes minging at first,’ she admitted, gulping from her own bottle. ‘But you get used to it. And it gets you pissed faster.’
I figured that the more drunk I got, the less I’d be able to taste the vodka, so I necked my bottle as fast as I could and soon Nadine was topping me up again. But this time there was no Coke left so I had to drink the vodka on its own. It tasted even worse, but it didn’t stop me.
I quickly realised that Nadine was absolutely obsessed with boys. She was way more experienced than I’d imagined. Back then, it didn’t occur to me that she was still underage and that the men she spoke about were probably taking advantage of her. To me, it just seemed like she loved sex, and loved talking about it even more. At first, I thought the lads she said she’d slept with were in her class at school.
‘Who do you think the fittest lad round here is?’ she asked me. The vodka had made her pasty face flush red. I’d always been a bit of a tomboy and I’d never done anything more than hold hands with a boy – when I’d pretended to be going out with John back in East Dene when I was just six. I was still a kid and boyfriends were the last thing on my mind, so I just shrugged.
‘Come on, Sarah,’ she said, prodding me in the ribs. ‘You must fancy someone.’ She ran through the names of some boys we both knew, telling me who she thought was fit, who would be good in bed. I hoped the darkness hid the shock in my eyes. Of course, I knew the basic facts of life, but I didn’t need details. I was only eleven, for God’s sake.
‘I shouldn’t even be saying this,’ Nadine went on. ‘Not now I’ve got a boyfriend.’
‘Is he in your year at school?’ I asked.
‘Ha!’ Nadine replied. ‘No, he’s way older. He’s a great shag. Older guys are much better in bed.’
‘Oh, right,’ I said.
‘Just wait till you lose your virginity, Sarah,’ Nadine said. ‘You don’t know what you’re missing.’
When we’d finished the vodka it was time to go home. I stumbled when I tried to get up and Nadine snorted with laughter again.
‘You’re fucking smashed!’ she said.
Mum wasn’t home yet when I got in and Mark was watching telly in the living room.
‘You all right?’ he called after me.
‘Yeah,’ I said, trying to say as little as possible as I made my way upstairs. As usual, Laura was already asleep, and I passed out as soon as I climbed into bed. But a few hours later I woke up, my stomach churning violently. My head was pounding too. I could feel the vodka rising in my throat and I ran to the bathroom. I’d just opened the door when I vomited everywhere, not quite making it to the toilet bowl. Mum was home and in bed by this point, but she woke up as soon as she heard the commotion.