‘It must be shit being a virgin,’ Nadine said, looking straight at me. ‘Virgins don’t know what they’re missing.’
‘You’re right,’ Rahim chimed in. ‘They don’t.’
For the next half an hour, they traded sex stories: where they’d done it, who they’d done it with, who they wanted to do it with. Nadine said Amir was her boyfriend but he didn’t seem to mind her talking about all the lads she’d shagged before she met him. In fact, Amir and Rahim seemed more like teenage boys than grown men, their eyes widening every time Nadine spoke about all the things she’d done with boys.
‘We should have a party at mine sometime,’ Amir said. ‘Have you got any other girls, Nadine?’
‘Yeah, I could find you loads,’ she replied.
I thought this was a bit odd: if Amir was going out with Nadine, why was he bothered about other girls?
‘Yeah, bring some girls,’ Rahim said. ‘And we’ll bring all our mates. There will be loads of lads too.’
As the sugary alcohol hit me, I loosened up a little. I became less aware of the creepy way Rahim was looking at me. Maybe if Nadine brought along some other friends he’d forget about me altogether and go for someone older. Before long, I even started to have a laugh. I’m just being uptight, I told myself. Nadine’s older friends aren’t so bad after all.
But I’d just lit a fag when I felt a cold hand settle on my knee. I tried to move away from Rahim, but he gripped my leg more tightly than before.
‘When are you going to give me that blow job, then?’ he asked, grinning at me. I inhaled sharply as I took a drag of my fag.
‘I told you before,’ I said quietly. ‘No.’
‘Oh, go on, Sarah,’ Nadine piped up. ‘He likes you. It won’t kill you.’
I shot her a look. For the first time I was really angry with her, not that I would ever have dared tell her that. She knew fine well I didn’t want to give Rahim a blow job. But she stayed silent, as did Amir. I realised all eyes were on me.
‘I told you before,’ Rahim said. ‘It can be our little secret. We won’t get caught.’
‘Rahim, give us a minute,’ Nadine said. ‘Come with me, Sarah.’
Nadine took me just out of earshot of Amir and Rahim. I stupidly hoped she’d had a change of heart. Maybe she’d tell me I didn’t need to do anything with Rahim if I didn’t want to. I hoped she might even say I didn’t need to see him ever again, because he gave me the creeps.
‘What’s up with you?’ she asked. Her face was red and blotchy, the way it always went when she’d been drinking.
‘I don’t want to do anything with Rahim,’ I replied. ‘He’s creepy.’
‘Oh, come on, Sarah,’ she said. ‘He’s not creepy, he’s Amir’s mate. Get a grip. He likes you.’
‘But he’s really old!’ I protested.
‘I told you before, older guys are better,’ Nadine said. ‘You might as well just get it over with. Once you’ve done it once, you’ll know what to do.’
‘I don’t want to,’ I repeated, my voice wavering.
Nadine was losing her patience now, and I could sense her irritation. ‘If you don’t give him a blow job now, he’ll get one elsewhere.’
‘But –’ I began.
She cut me off sharply. ‘Do you really want him to get head from someone else?’ she asked. ‘Is that what you want, Sarah?’
Sometimes Nadine asked me questions and I sensed there was only one answer I was allowed to give. This was one of those times. I was so scared of losing her that I’d have done anything to stop her from falling out with me.
‘I suppose not,’ I replied.
‘Good,’ she said.
There was nothing else I could say. Nadine was not someone you said no to; I had known that from the first time I’d met her in the pub. She’d intimidated me then and she was intimidating me now. I knew there was no way out of it.
We walked back over to Amir and Rahim. Nadine gave Rahim a little wink and he brushed his fingers against my leg.
‘Come with me,’ he ordered. I silently followed him to the other side of the playground, behind the school building. It was hard to believe that, just a few hours before, I’d been in one of the classrooms doing things a normal eleven-year-old should be doing, and now here I was with a man almost three times my age doing something I shouldn’t even know about.
From then on, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. First, Rahim dropped his black tracksuit bottoms, then his white boxer shorts. Bile was rising in my throat as his clothes fell to the floor. I wanted to run away, to scream, but I was rooted to the spot, and when I opened my mouth no sound would come out.
‘Remember, this is our little secret,’ he whispered.
Without saying another word, he grabbed my head and pushed it into his crotch.
When I got home that night, Mum was in as it was her night off. I pushed past her and ran straight to my room. She was calling after me, asking if I was okay, but I didn’t want to speak to her. I didn’t want to speak to anyone.
The only thing I remember is that I wasn’t crying. What I’d just done was horrible, so horrible it made me sick to my stomach, but as hard as I tried, the tears wouldn’t come. I was completely numb.
I pushed my bedroom door open and Laura’s bed was empty. After Dad left, she’d taken to sleeping in Mum’s bed from time to time. I was glad she wasn’t there. I needed to be alone more than I ever had before.
As I undressed, I felt dirty and ashamed. I wanted to get into the shower and scrub myself until my skin was red raw, but I didn’t because Mum might suspect something was up if she heard the water running. I hadn’t even known what to do; I’d just sort of guessed. But somehow, I felt like it was my fault. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like I was to blame for it happening.
I climbed into bed and pulled my covers over my head. I was still drunk and the room was spinning, but the thoughts inside my head seemed clearer than ever. I was home now, tucked up in my own bed with Mum downstairs, so why didn’t I feel safe?
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but all I could see was Rahim, half-naked in the playground, trousers round his ankles, with his horrible, creepy grin.
Why did I feel like my life would never be the same again?
Chapter Five
After the night in the school playground, I sensed I’d be seeing a lot more of Amir and Rahim – and I was right. When I finally left primary school in the summer of 2003, you’d have thought I’d have been glad to see the back of it. But ironically, I ended up spending more time there than ever before.
I’d hated every minute of what Rahim had made me do to him that night in the playground, and as the long summer holidays stretched out in front of me, I thought hanging around with him and Amir every day would be torture.
But then, something strange happened. It started to be okay and I kind of enjoyed myself.
I didn’t have a phone, so I’d usually arrange to meet Nadine at the playground in the afternoon and the men would join us shortly afterwards. We’d sit in the deserted playground and drink and smoke for hours on end. When we were with Amir and Rahim, they often paid for the alcohol and cigarettes, meaning Nadine didn’t even have to steal from anyone.
Gradually,