Before concluding this section, I must note that “Armaveree” has its own underlying philosophical context. To give an illustration, I recall how many years ago I was left with two teen sons without a stable income, nearly without a home, and with no perspective for life improvement. At that period, people often wished me “Arma!”, and always added “Gayrat et!” (“Courage to you!”).
“The more you live the more you know…»
I will now relate an observation I made fifteen years after graduating from school, at a sad event at the funeral of the grandmother of my future ex-wife (excuse me for this expression but currently this is the most exact way I can refer to her). Due to a combination of the circumstances (the gloomy atmosphere of the funeral meal, and my very first introduction to the new relatives, which by itself created a serious stress for me) I was totally lost thinking whom to greet first and whom at second turn, whether I should I shake hands, whether I should take a seat in a corner or join the helpers, and so on.
Perplexed, I decided simply to follow my father-in-law and to repeat what he would do. Later, of course, naturally not to get further confused, I enhanced my knowledge purposedly and practiced behavioral skills at other crowded meetings.
It appeared that at Turkmen community events, when you need to greet the guests who came earlier than you, you should proceed directly to most respected yashuli, or a man of similar status (a community leader, the oldest relative, a head of the administration). The best way (frankly, the only way) is to exchange a couple of warm words with this man while shaking hands and then to pass to the others, doing the same with everyone, going counterclockwise.
Handshaking styles
A common handshake, such a simple gesture at first sight, will sparkle with special colors and shades under a more attentive glance.
First, please, remember: your hand clasp should be vigorous, involving all fingers. Unfortunately, I have to emphasize this because several years ago some spoiled city chaps “invented” a weird handshake – they just inserted a couple of fingers (or merely one!) into a palm of a newcomer and slightly bent them, instead of shaking the hand of a person who greets them. Luckily the manner did not take root, and rapidly disappeared even among the teens. Very rarely, but you may still meet this manner today. Don’t follow it, please!
Among the Turkmens, one always must shake hands at greeting, using the right hand shaking right hand. Although, if you have a trauma, and your right palm is bandaged, you may either use the left hand, or present your right elbow for other person’s handclasp.
A younger person should greet a senior person with both hands. Also, I ought to emphasize that the handshake with both hands is a sign of special respect and, moreover, of an honor towards the greeted person. Additionally, the host would extend both hands for a handshake to welcome a long-expected and favored family guest.
However, I would like to mention here quite a specific aspect, again related to handshaking as the main method of a Turkmen greeting. Perhaps, a stranger would not pay any special attention to subtle hints indicating courteous rudeness. I am using such hints myself more often than I would wish. An unaccustomed person could be deceived by them buying ones as a proper welcoming procedure. Where at and what is a difference?
To clarify the matter: if someone dislikes (or even disdains) another person, he might say “Salam” very warmly, but then would try to avoid touching this person’s hand. It will be a reason for the latter to evaluate the true attitude of the former.
More examples? Here we go!
An illustration from the living experience, again.
I have many cousins and second cousins. Toward one of them, who is ten years older, I have, let me say, mixed feelings. If the tradition is followed, as a younger man, I ought to greet him first, immediately upon his arrival to our home for a stay. Luckily, he lives with his family far from our town, and visits us quite rarely, only for special family events. Knowing my opinion about him, well in advance of their announced visit, my mother starts warning me again and again: “Behave properly, be polite! He is a guest, meet him outside and greet in a required way”.
Surely, I had (and still have!) at my disposal a full set of nonverbal methods to demonstrate my true opinion toward him: to avoid a handshaking, to bend my fingers without clasping his palm, slightly wetting my own palm just before the handshaking, and so on.
Paradoxically, though, depending upon a situation, sometimes avoiding a handshake would tell about tactful attitude to a visitor. If you are told “sorry, my hands are dirty”, and then a man would outstretch for a handclasp his forearm instead of the palm, more likely he just came back from a toilet and did not wash his hands yet.
Should I remind here that the Turkmens have distinctive traditions of hospitality, and that every welcome visitor will be met with a special care? After all, there is a saying “a guest is more important than a father”!
It seems that a respect of a guest is in the blood of the Turkmen, expressed since early childhood, and they will tolerate with good-natured by indulgence many possible misunderstandings from a representative of another nation, especially from those who are not their neighbors and may be unaware of local customs.
On the other hand, there is room for an opportunity to become a more pleasant visitor if one shows just a little familiarity with local manners—and such willingness in a guest will be appreciated!
An esteemed reader may have noticed that I have talked mostly about men shaking hands. It is easily understandable without a slightest suspicion for what may seem to be a discrimination of women. Being a man, I practice hand shaking with other men every day and nearly every hour. Therefore, details on men greeting men are more known and closer to me rather than styles of greetings between the Turkmen women.
Also, it is natural that in our tradition the ways for greetings between a man and a woman would be different of those between men.
Simultaneously I dare say that the narration will be incomplete it not to touch at least briefly greeting manner among the women.
“Womanly” greetings
We should return to the tribal and geographical differences: in accordance with local traditions in Mary velayat, where I have an origin and live in, men do not exchange handshakes with representatives of the other sex in most cases. On the other hand, again there is no rule without an exception. So, sometimes, women and girls may outstretch both hands for “eleshmek uchin” (“to shake hands”) with a man to demonstrate an especial honor, or when greeting a close friend.
When this happened to me for the first time, I acted quite awkwardly in an attempt to decide quickly: whether to seize her palm and hold it for a while, how long to hold, how strongly to squeeze, and so on. So, later, when I expected a similar situation, I was a little bit more quick, and could step aside or pretend to be absent-minded to avoid the handshake.
Several years passed since my confusion, and then, at last, I have noticed what my brother-in-law (a representative of the Teke tribe) did in a similar situation. With an elegant gesture he turned the palm of his right hand down, and extended his wrist to the female guest to let her clasp it.
Indeed, some obvious details may lie just in front of your eyes without being noticed, and stay unnoticed for a long time. The same occurred here – afterwards, I realized how many times I have seen this gesture but did not pay attention.
In addition, nearly at once I remembered a scene from quite old movie about the greatest Turkmen poet of all times, Makhtumkuli Fragi: when he returned to his beloved home after many years of travel, and the women of his kin ran to meet him, he turned his hand down, hiding his fingers inside his sleeve and stretched his wrist so they could shake hands with them.
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