“You don’t scare me,” Josh said quietly, wondering about her, realizing maybe she had been hurt by the boys she had grown up with. And he wondered how much her father had kept men away.
Josh’s gaze roamed over her profile, her wide brow, the thick blond hair, her big eyes and full rosy lips. His gaze dropped to her slender throat and full breasts that thrust tautly against her blue shirt. The woman was more than attractive. Surprised at himself, he studied her more closely. She was a good-looking woman, but he had never really noticed her before. And he was amazed how he noticed her now. It was the first time he had really looked at a woman since Lisa’s death.
“You work with men. You ride in rodeos. If you haven’t dated, it’s been your choice some of the time.” Another blush deepened the color of her cheeks, and he saw that he was right.
“Maybe so.”
He caught her thick braid and tugged on it slightly to get her to look at him. As she turned her head, he looked into guileless green eyes that held tiny gold flecks in the center. “You don’t have to know men or have dated. Our marriage wouldn’t be much different from your life now except we’ll be under one roof and you’ll be in charge of Elizabeth’s nanny. I don’t care about a physical relationship. I wouldn’t ever force myself on you. I’ll give you all the room you want.”
Another blush, this time fiery, turned her throat and cheeks red. “I can’t imagine the arrangement you’re suggesting, and I think within six months from now, you would regret it terribly.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve given this a lot of thought.”
“Besides a sham marriage being something you shouldn’t rush into, there’s another reason for me to say no. I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone else. I wouldn’t ever tell Gran, as a matter of fact.”
Mattie paused, and he wondered what deep secret she was about to reveal to him. He was still thinking about her as an appealing woman. Why hadn’t anyone dated her? He decided it definitely had to have been her choice most of the time.
“What haven’t you told anyone?” he prompted, wondering what secret she harbored.
Her green eyes went beyond him as if she were gazing into the horizon. “Someday I hope to sell the ranch and get far away from here.”
Stunned by her admission, feeling a sudden painful stab of guilt for trying to involve her in a plan that was to his advantage, he dropped her braid. As he looked down at her, he felt all his plans crumbling to pieces.
Three
“You don’t want this?” he asked, waving his hand and feeling astounded. “I figured you would live and breathe and sleep ranching. That’s all you’ve ever done. What else do you want?”
“My father always relied on me, and he brought me up to carry on when he was gone. But I want something else.”
“Lord, generations of your family lived on that ranch! You’d just let it all go?”
She raised her chin, her eyes flashing fire, and he guessed that when Mattie made up her mind, she could be mule stubborn. “My sisters left without a qualm. If my family is all gone except me, why do I have to preserve a heritage that I no longer want?”
“It’s hard to imagine you don’t want it,” he said, thinking about some of his arguments with Lisa over his staying on a ranch.
“I would never have done anything to hurt Dad, but ranch life isn’t all I want. He never asked me. He just assumed. He let my sisters go. By the time they were high school age, they were in boarding schools, and they’ve never returned. Nor will they ever.”
“Your father’s gone now, so what’s keeping you here?”
“I have Gran. I won’t hurt her by selling out while she’s alive. I’ll stay until Gran is gone.” Mattie shifted and raised her chin higher, and he saw the determined glint in her eyes. “You have to swear you won’t tell anyone, Josh. I’ve never told a soul. It would kill Gran, and I won’t have her hurt.”
“I won’t tell,” he answered perfunctorily, still perplexed and mulling over her revelation. “What do you want to do?”
She looked down and ran a slender finger along the rail. Her nails were neatly trimmed, and her hands looked delicate, even though he knew she probably had as many calluses on her palms as he did.
“It may sound foolish, but for years I’ve dreamed of going to law school. I’ve read some law books.” When she looked up, he saw the defiance in her bright gaze, as if she expected him to laugh at her.
Instead, he felt defeated, because she had seemed the perfect answer to his dilemma. And he felt the old guilt tug at him as he remembered how much Lisa had hated ranch life and begged him to move to the city.
“Well, there goes that idea.”
“I appreciate your offer,” she said, dropping her hand from the fence. “I’m flattered.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “You were the perfect solution. I thought we’d fit together like salt and pepper.”
“I can’t imagine moving here,” she said. “But I’m flattered.”
He gave her a faint smile and tugged on her braid. “You underestimate yourself.”
Pleased, she smiled up at hun. “Can you take me home now?”
He nodded and started walking back toward the pickup with her. “Are there any other relatives to take over the ranch?”
“No. Dad’s only brother settled in Arizona on a ranch that belongs to his wife’s family. Uncle Dan won’t leave Arizona.”
“Maybe you should have discussed this with your dad.”
“It never occurred to him that I could possibly want anything else, and it hasn’t occurred to Gran. And neither one would have accepted it. My sisters had a long history of rebellion from the time they were old enough to know there was some other place in the world to live.”
Josh could understand why it had never occurred to her father or grandmother that she would want to leave. Ranches all over the state had been passed down through generations of the same families. It was tradition, accepted from the time of childhood. He had never given a thought to doing anything else, and it hadn’t occurred to him that Mattie could possibly want to leave. There was no boy in the Ryan family to pass the ranch to, and Mattie was the oldest girl. And the only one who had taken to ranching.
Disappointment washed through Josh again along with another prickle of conscience for keeping Lisa on the ranch when she didn’t want to stay. Keeping her until it killed her.
He glanced at the woman at his side, cunous about her and her dreams. “Why law school?”
“I think it started when I was ten and Mom was killed by a drunk driver who had a long record of arrests. He got away without even a fine, and I was so incensed that I dreamed of growing up and becoming a lawyer and prosecuting people like that.” She smiled up at him. “That was idealistic, and I was filled with childish dreams, but the idea of becoming a lawyer appeals to me. I don’t want this rural existence all my life. I feel like there’s more out there, and I want to have a chance to see for myself.”
“What did you major in?”
“Animal science. I had a minor in English—it was what I liked the most. But I loved my Dad and would never have hurt him. He wanted me to study animal science.”
“I dropped out my junior year to come home and run this place when my dad died,” Josh said.
“It appears you’ve done a good job.”
“I try. Your father could have lived to a ripe old