The barman said, ‘Why – what have you got?’ And the fellow said, ‘10p!’
A fellow suffering from severe toothache finally plucked up enough courage to go to the dentist. But his courage deserted him as soon as he sat down in the dentist’s chair. ‘You’d better have a tot of whisky to calm your nerves,’ said the dentist.
After the patient had drunk the whisky, the dentist said, ‘How do you feel now?’
‘I’m still nervous,’ said the patient, so the dentist gave him another tot of whisky. This was followed by a third, then a fourth, then a fifth.
‘Have you got your courage back yet?’ asked the dentist.
‘I’ll say!’ said the patient, squaring his shoulders. ‘I’d like to see the man who’d dare touch my teeth now!’
Contrary to popular opinion, pouring black coffee into a drunk doesn’t do any good at all. All that happens is that you end up with a wide-awake drunk.
First Drunk: Gimme a Horse’s Neck!
Second Drunk: I’ll have a Horse’s Tail! No sense in killing two horses!
Did you hear the one about the fellow who walked into a pub with a pig under his arm? The barman said, ‘Where did you get that?’
‘I won it in a raffle,’ said the pig.
The landlord of a pub near Hyde Park had a beautiful Golden Labrador and every evening he used to get the barman to take it for a walk in the park and a swim in the Serpentine. And every evening the barman brought the dog back, tired, happy and damp. One night a customer said, ‘I’ve seen that dog before.’
‘Well, he’s in here every night,’ the landlord said.
‘No, I’ve seen him somewhere else. I saw him tied to a tree outside the pub down the road. A chap came out of the pub and threw a bucket of water over him.’
A woman was discussing her husband with a friend in the supermarket. ‘If the cigarette machine wasn’t just a couple of feet from the bar,’ she said, ‘he’d get no exercise at all!’
Breaking with custom, a woman decided to have a Scotch and soda as a nightcap. After drinking it, she went upstairs to kiss her small son goodnight. As she bent to kiss him, he said, ‘Mummy! You’re wearing Daddy’s perfume!’
Two inebriates staggered out of a pub at closing time. One of them was in a far worse state than the other and his friend said, ‘You’re in no condition to walk. Why don’t you take a bus home?’
‘It wouldn’t be any use,’ muttered his pal. ‘The wife wouldn’t let me keep it in the houshe!’
Did you hear about the young man who took a young lady home to his flat? He offered her a Scotch and sofa and she reclined.
A married couple attended a cocktail party. After a couple of hours, the husband said, ‘Don’t have any more to drink, Mabel – your face is getting blurred!’
Teacher: Jimmy, I want you to spell ‘straight’.
Jimmy: S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T.
Teacher: Correct. Now what does it mean?
Jimmy: Without water.
‘I’ll tell you what the matter is with you,’ said the judge to the drunk in the dock. ‘Alcohol! It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for your present troubles.’
‘Thank you, Judge, thank you,’ said the drunk. ‘Everybody else says it’s my own fault.’
A drunk was standing on the corner of the street when a policeman came up. ‘Shay, offisher, where’sh the corner?’ he mumbled.
‘You’re standing on it,’ said the policeman.
‘No wonder I couldn’t find it!’ said the drunk.
‘Was your wife angry when you came home drunk last night?’
‘Not really. I was going to have those front teeth out anyway.’
Two friends were returning from a convivial evening at the local. ‘Am I staggering at all?’ asked one. ‘If I am, the wife’ll notice it and there’ll be hell to pay. Hang on here a minute – I’ll walk on ahead and you tell me if I’m walking straight.’
He walked on a few steps and his mate said, ‘You’re all right – but the chap with you is staggering about all over the place.’
A fellow in the King’s Head was boasting to all and sundry about his capacity for drink. One of the other customers began to get a bit fed up and said, ‘See that big silver ice bucket on the counter? I’ll bet you fifty pounds that if I fill that up with beer, you can’t drink it down in one go.’ The boaster turned on his heel and walked out of the pub.
Five minutes later he was back again and he asked the barman to fill the bucket with beer. He emptied it in record time.
‘All right, you win,’ said the fellow who had made the bet. ‘But where did you rush off to just now?’
‘Well,’ said the boaster, ‘I’d never tried that before so I popped into the pub next door to have a practice.’
During the days of Prohibition, a traveller found himself in a small town in Arkansas. He asked a man in the street where he could get a drink. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘in this town, they only use whisky for snake bites. There’s only one snake in town, and it’s gittin’ kinda late. You’d better hurry down and git in line before it gits exhausted.’
At a bar in Toronto, a drunk was muttering, ‘It can’t be done! It can’t be done!’
‘What can’t be done?’ asked the bartender.
‘That can’t,’ said the drunk, pointing to a big sign which read: DRINK CANADA DRY.
At a local trade union committee meeting, one of the delegates was somewhat the worse for drink. When the meeting came to the question of appointing permanent and temporary officers, the drunk got up to speak. ‘Sit down!’ hissed his neighbour. ‘You’re too drunk! I’ll bet you don’t even know the difference between temporary and permanent!’
‘Oh, yesh I do!’ said the drunk. ‘I’m intoxicated, and that’s temporary. But you’re a damn fool – and that’s permanent!’
A woman was arguing with an obviously inebriated man in the saloon bar. ‘Stop telling me I remind you of your first wife!’ she shouted. ‘I am your first wife!’
You’ve got to admit – the government knows what it’s doing. First they put a big tax on beer, wine and spirits. Then they raise all the other taxes and drive people to drink!
Two Irishmen were talking in a pub. ‘When I’m dead and buried, Patrick,’ said Michael, ‘I want you to pour a bottle of the very best Irish whiskey over my grave.’
‘I’ll do that,’ said Patrick. ‘But do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?’
A man walked into a pub with a pet tiger on a leash. He ordered a pint of lager for himself and one for the tiger. They continued drinking for an hour or so and the tiger passed out. The man got up and started to leave the pub, and the barman shouted, ‘Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!’
And the man said, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a tiger.’
A fellow had been out on the razzle, and after the pubs had shut he spent the rest of the night in the company of a charming young blonde. He staggered into the bedroom