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A HarperCollins Original 1993
Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1993
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Source ISBN: 9780006379591
Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191955
Version: 2016-09-28
Contents
More of the World's Best Drinking Jokes
More of the World's Best Drinking Jokes
A wife decided she would leave her drunken husband, but a neighbour persuaded her to give him one more chance. ‘Instead of nagging him,’ she was advised, ‘treat him nicely. Maybe he’ll feel so ashamed, he’ll stop drinking so heavily.’ So the next night when he staggered home, she did not rant as usual. She made him a cup of tea, warmed his slippers, loosened his collar and tie and stroked his head. ‘Shall we go to bed now?’ she suggested.
‘Might as well,’ he replied. ‘If I go home, there’ll only be a row.’
Did you hear the one about the two drunks who were riding a roller coaster? Finally one turned to the other and said, ‘You know, I think we got on the wrong bus!’
A doctor, hoping to cure a man of his alcoholism, asked him, ‘How did you come to get so completely intoxicated?’ ‘I got into bad company, doctor,’ he said. ‘You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whisky, and the other three were teetotallers.’
In the course of an interview, a British wine expert visiting a French vineyard was asked by a reporter, ‘Which do you think is more important, sex or wine?’
The connoisseur thought it over, then cautiously enquired, ‘Claret or Burgundy?’
The drunk was on his way home after an afternoon drinking session. He accidentally wandered into the zoo and found himself in front of a cage containing a hippopotamus. ‘Don’t look at me like that, dear,’ he stammered. ‘I can explain everything!’
I like the way they test whisky in Kentucky. They take a jug of the stuff and send a charge of electricity through it. If the whisky turns sour, it’s no good. But if it chases the current back to the generator, then it’s ready for sale.
If you’re drinking, don’t drive to work. In fact, if you’re drinking, don’t go to work at all – stay home and have a ball.
A little boy of about ten went into a bar and sat down at one of the tables, all by himself. The barmaid came over and he said, ‘Bring me a double Scotch.’
‘You’re under age – do you want to get me into trouble?’ the waitress said.
‘We’ll talk about that later – just bring me my double Scotch.’
THE DRINKER’S GUIDE TO BAR SIGNS
PLEASE DON’T FLATTER THE BARTENDER. HE’D RATHER NOT CHANGE HIS OPINION OF YOU.
PLEASE DO NOT INSULT OUR BARTENDERS. CUSTOMERS WE CAN GET.
IF YOU ARE DRINKING TO FORGET, PLEASE PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS IN ADVANCE.
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR PATRONS LEFT OVER 30 DAYS.
EVERYTHING ON SALE AT THE BAR IS OF THE VERY FINEST QUALITY. EVEN THE WATER HAS BEEN PASSED BY THE MANAGEMENT.
DON’T CRY IN YOUR BEER. IT’S WEAK ENOUGH AS IT IS.
YOUR WIFE CAN ONLY GET SO MAD. RELAX AND HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
IF YOU WANT TO RESIGN FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, WHY NOT DO IT HERE?
Did you hear the one about the drunk who got in a taxi and said, ‘Eight times around Regent’s Park – and make it schnappy!’ For forty-five minutes the taxi circled Regent’s Park with the drunk bouncing around in the back seat. Going into the fourth lap he got very excited. He leaned forward, grabbed the driver by the shoulder and yelled, ‘Faster, you fool, faster! Can’t you shee I’m in a hurry!’
It was a woman who drove me to drink. I still feel bad about it. I never wrote and thanked her.
A drunk walked into a bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’
The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’
The drunk went out, walked right round the block, came back in again, walked up to the bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’
The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’
Again the drunk walked out, right round the block, back in again, up to the bar, and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’
Again the barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’
And the drunk said, ‘Just a minute! Do you own all the pubs in this town?’
A fellow was sitting in a bar one evening when he noticed another customer knocking back double Scotches. As fast as the bartender served him, he tossed down the whisky in one gulp. ‘That’s no way to treat good whisky,’ said the first customer.
‘I know,’ said the man, ‘but it’s