100 Of The Best Curses and Insults In Spanish: A Toolkit for the Testy Tourist. Chuck Gonzales

and said “Felicidades” (“Congratulations”) was way too forward, not to mention the fact that, unless something went horribly wrong the night before, you’re not expecting.

       What to do:

      Smile politely, order a whisky from the bar, take a giant swig, rub the hostess’ belly and ask her:

       What to say:

       ¿SABE USTED SI ES UN NIÑO O UNA NIÑA?

      “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

      Or, if you’re really infuriated and want to abandon the art of subtlety, then say:

       ESTÁ TAN GORDA QUE SU ULTIMO PEDO SE MIDIÓ EN LA ESCALA DE RICHTER.

      “You are so fat that your last fart was measured on the Richter scale.”

       Why it’s okay to say it:

      It’s never forgivable to assume someone is with child. Sure, you may be a bit out of shape, and you’ve probably done a little too much snacking and not enough walking on those evening tapas bar strolls (ir de tapeo) but, until you see someone grunting in stirrups, you never assume she’s pregnant. This señora was either hinting that your vestido was getting a little too tight, or simply being presumptuous and insensitive.

       In the know:

      Latin cultures tend to be a lot more direct about commenting on physical appearance in a not-so-flattering way. It’s not unusual to hear people affectionately refer to an overweight friend as gordo or gordito (fat), a short friend as enano or enana (dwarf), or someone with a prominent nose as narigudo/nariguda or napión (big-nosed).

      EXTRA CREDIT

      To avoid the common mistake of trying to say that you’re embarrassed and accidentally announcing an immaculate conception, here are some vulgar slang terms for when you do see a little pink dot:

      PREÑADA or ESTAR CON BOMBO

      “Bombo” is a bass drum, so this is literally telling someone they have a “drum for a belly.”

SITUATION #5: BATTLE OF THE BULGE

      Ah, the Costa del Sol—the sun, the olive trees, the ocean breeze, the … unsightly bulges! With free public beaches in Marbella you expected a crowd, and you’d been warned about small-time thieves, but this Speedo fashion crime is more than you can tolerate even on a good day.

       What to do:

      Put on your sunglasses, shield your eyes, and face your towel the other way. If there’s another clear space, it’s worth your while to move … especially since the last thing you want to do is flatter the intruders in an otherwise flawless landscape. Be careful not to give any attention to the men in their “barely there” swimsuits. Before you duck and run, however, turn to the exhibitionist offenders and say:

       What to say:

       ERES MÁS FEO QUE ENVIAR A TU ABUELA A POR DROGA.

      “You are uglier than sending your granny to buy you some drugs.”

       Why it’s okay to say it:

      There’s a story behind the name Marbella. On a trip to the coast, Queen Isabelle is said to have remarked on the beautiful scene: “¡Qué mar tan bello!” (“what a beautiful ocean!”). It’s your right to enjoy it as well; if you’d wanted to squint at bizarre and unbalanced proportions, you’d have spent the day at the Picasso museum.

       In the know:

      A few days into your jaunt along coastal Spain and chances are you’ll welcome the sight of any suit at all, after seeing the number of birthday suits out and about. Most beaches in Spain are clothing optional, and Europeans famously let it all hang out on holiday. If you’re up for an extreme au natural experience, there are naturist beaches and nudist colonies aplenty; just be sure you’re clear about where you can and can’t plant your bare nalgamen