You almost sigh with delight as your waiter brings over the tapas you ordered, but just at that moment, a mom and five screaming kids plunk themselves down at the table next to you. Bad enough that they’re ruining the ambiance, dropping peanuts like confetti, and blocking your view of any potentially attractive strangers, but one wily tween has the nerve to come over and pluck an empanada right off your plate.
What to do:
You could ask to move to another table or calmly tell the mother she needs to do a better job of controlling her hell niños, but really, this is between you, the pastry, and the prepubescent bandido. Think back to the playground days when some bully stole your Frisbee or ice cream cone. You know the rules about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words never hurting? Well, a few choice words in this situation will at least make YOU feel better, even if it leaves the mocoso (brat) scratching his head. The payoff will come later when he asks an adult what you meant.
What to say:
TIENES MÁS MORRO QUE UNA LATA DE CALLOS CADUCADA.
Literally: “You have got more snout than a tin of tripe past its sell-by date.”
Basically: “You’ve got some nerve.”
Why it’s okay to say it:
The little thief will know you’re mad, but he won’t know exactly what you meant, which will make you a foreboding enough presence that he’ll stay away from you and your lovely stuffed pastries for the rest of the evening.
In the know:
It’s more socially acceptable to lightly discipline other people’s offspring in Europe than it is in our “kids know best” environs where play dates and strollers reign. Back in the Old Country, the idea that children should be seen and not heard is still fairly in vogue, a convention that would surely please your grandmother. You’re well within your rights to explain to the mother what happened, but let’s face it — you’ll have more fun stooping to the kid’s level and hurling an insult or two his way. And you may need the practice: kids are perfectly welcome in bars in Spain.
EXTRA CREDIT
Picking on someone your own size is always a good idea, but sometimes you just can’t resist. And why would you want to? Here are some schoolyard insults to keep in your back pocket:
TONTO meaning “dumb”
IDIOTA meaning “idiot”
IMBÉCIL meaning “moron”
SITUATION #2: REVENGE OF THE YANQUIS
You’re having a great time at a Mediterranean restaurant in Valencia, except that you keep overhearing the wait staff loudly referring to you and your friends as los yanquis. True, you’re downing Coca-Colas like you spent the day in the Sahara desert, and your brother-in-law’s outfit screams Boston suburbia. Still, given how hard you’ve tried to blend in, you feel insulted by the undeserved pet name.
What to do:
Switch to English-only, talk about baseball and hot dogs, point to exotic dishes other people are eating and scrunch up your face in disgust, ask your waiter if they have any apple pie for dessert, and, on your way out, try to get a rousing version of the “Star Spangled Banner” going. (Be persistent; people may not join in at first, but never forget the famous Marseillaise scene in Casablanca.) Finally, just as you are about to slip out the door, double back, go over to your waiter, and let it rip.
What to say:
“ERES MÁS TONTO QUE MIS COJONES.”
“You are stupider than my balls.”
Though the literal translation in English lacks punch, this is a common insult in Spain, and its force will hit hard.
Why it’s okay to say it:
You were polite customers and made every effort to follow the “when in Rome” tradition. By overdoing the yanqui act, then blindsiding the offender with a perfectly pronounced “in-the-know” put-down, you’ll prove that this white boy knows how to salsa.
In the know:
The term guiri refers to a non-Spaniard (usually from America or Western Europe), but it is not necessarily a derisive term (think “gentile” for non-Jew).
EXTRA CREDIT
Here are some insults in several different languages spoken in Spain.
CASTILIAN (SPANISH): CABRÓN
This is literally a billy goat, but when used as an insult it means “cuckold.”
CATALAN: FILL/FILLA DE PUTA
“Son/daughter of a bitch”
GALICIAN: COME BOSTAS
“Eat shit”
EUSKERA: ZOAZ PIKUTARA
This is literally “go to the shit”
You’re trying to scope out a tavern on your first night in Madrid when a guy with a run of pick-up lines more cringe-inducingly unoriginal than “Come here often?” (¿Vienes aquí a menudo?) won’t get off your back. The tavern is hopping with sizzling Latino singles, and this cologne-ridden ne’er-do-well is giving everyone the impression that you two are an item by ordering drinks for you, sitting way too close, and pummeling you with these hideous lines whenever your attention wanders.
What to do:
First the hard part—refuse the next drink he buys. It may almost not seem worth it, but if you’re going to break it off with someone who won’t take a hint, you can’t leave any room for uncertainty. Next time he orders you una fría (a cold beer), let him know it’s a bridge to nowhere with a polite “gracias pero no gracias.” If he keeps touching your arm, tell him:
What to say:
VETE A TOMAR POR EL CULO, BABOSO.
“Go and take it up the ass, slime ball.”
Baboso comes from baba (“drool”), and it’s used for men who try to flirt with just about anyone in a disgusting, charmless way.
Why it’s okay to say it:
It’s only fair to let the guy know you’re not interested. And with a few more drinks, you regrettably might be! Cut and run while the night is still young.
In the know:
Closing time in many cities in Spain puts “the city that never sleeps” to shame. It’s true those Spaniards pack in a good afternoon siesta, but then they really live it up way past last call in New York. In Barcelona, it’s common for nightclubs to stay open until 6 in the morning, and if you wait two hours, they’ll open back up again for breakfast cocktails.