Situation #38: An Excruciating Epiphany
Situation #39: Frost in Translation
Situation #40: Hit the Road, Jacinto!
Situation #41: The Barefoot Contessa
Situation #44: The Artful Dodger
LEARN HOW TO GIVE ’EM HELL LIKE A NATIVE!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, then say it! There are heaps of great put-downs, clever comebacks, unflattering analogies, and other unpleasantries to choose from, especially in Spanish! But wait a minute. With the beautiful beaches, great wine, enchanting music, laid-back companions, and all-night revelry, what could possibly go wrong? Well, you could be stomped on by a flamenco dancer, for one, bullied on the day of a bullfight, stabbed with toothpicks in a tapas frenzy, or even be mistaken for a piñata. What if some little rascals get their hands on your empanadas or your perfect view of el mar gets blocked by body parts that should never have seen the light of day?
When it comes to foul language, preoccupations with sex and genitalia cross cultural boundaries, as do garden-variety attacks on size and intelligence. Yet Spanish has quite a colorful array of ways to get even and come out on top. Sure, you should practice saying buenos diás, lo siento, and ¿cómo están?, but sometimes it’s not a good day and you’re not sorry. After all, a brutish woman could have cut you off on the sangria line after you waited an eternity for a taste of the fruity delight or a jackass with a mullet might be ruining every shot you take in Barcelona.
In this book, you’ll find forty-five aggravating scenarios that you might—even in the land of siestas and fiestas—find yourself in, along with advice on how to get out of them, what to say, and why it’s okay to say it.
Hopefully your trip will be as care- and incident-free as a walk in el parque. But if you find yourself hot under the collar in the land of the sun, you know where to turn. Whether you sling these, fling them, or pronounce them with delicacy and finesse, make sure you always get in the last word … or at least the most offensive.
Spelling and pronouncing Spanish are easy once you know the few basic rules. The chart below will help you with the pronunciation of the basic Spanish sounds and will give you a feeling for the rhythm of the language. The syllable to be stressed is marked in bold in the pronunciation. Here are a few rules you should know:
| SPANISH | SOUNDS LIKE | EXAMPLE | PRONUNCIATION |
|---|---|---|---|
| ca | ka | cama | ka-ma |
| co | ko | con | kon |
| cu | ku | cubo | koobo |
| ce | the | cena | the-na |
| ci | thee | cine | the ene |
| ga | ga | gato | ga-to |
| go | go | algo | algo |
| gu | goo | algún | algoon |
| ge | khe | gente | khente |
| gi | khee | giro | kheero |
| j | kh | jueves | khwe-bes |
| ll | ly | llamo | lya-mo |
| ñ | ny | señor | se-nyor |
| ua | wa | cual | kwal |
| ue | we | vuelva | bwelba |
| v | b | vuelva | bwelba |
| z | th | Zaragoza | tha-ra-go-tha |
Here are a few more tips on Spanish pronunciation that will help you along the way:
H is silent: hora is pronounced o-ra, and hola is pronounced o-la.
R is rolled, and if you have rr, then the roll is more exaggerated.
In Spanish, vowels (a, e, i, o, u) have only one sound. When you find two together, pronounce both of them in quick succession, as in aceite, a-they-te.
SITUATION #1: EMPANADA BANDIDOS
You duck into a cozy little café along an alleyway in Barrio Gótico, escaping the rain flooding the cobblestone streets and delighting in how family unfriendly the place looks. You ask for a glass of Abadia Retuerta and fantasize about all the ways you could spend this precious