The furniture: A man wouldn’t ask the opinion of his friend or relative about how his furniture was arranged, let alone care that much one way or the other himself. If he was asked, the brother would probably just look at the couch and love seat and say, “Nice,” and that would be that. Finally, if he did offer to rearrange things just to see how they looked, his brother who owned the house would probably say, “I don’t want to deal with it right now. Let’s go watch the game on TV.”
What’s my point? It’s that men don’t have this nonstop creative urge to improve things. Not only that, they actually interpret offers of help or advice as unnecessary, unwelcome, and intrusive.
Take the last story, for instance, and this time, imagine that instead of two friends having lunch, it’s a husband with the employee problem having a meal with his wife. Let’s replay the conversation as it would probably unfold:
“I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your husband says, shaking his head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately, he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your husband replies with frustration. “But I just don’t seem to be making any headway, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
“Why don’t you tell me about your conversations with Louis, and maybe I can help figure out a better way to get through to him,” you suggest.
“It’s no big deal. I’ll figure something out,” your husband answers.
“But I have some ideas about what might be happening,” you explain, “and I really think we could come up with a solution if we discussed it. After all, honey, it’s been bothering you all week.”
“Look, I can handle it myself, okay? I don’t want to get into a big discussion about it right now,” he says in a tense voice. “I’m sorry you don’t approve of the way I’m dealing with it. Let’s just change the subject.” Ouch. This conversation certainly had a different ending than the one between the two girlfriends. What happened? The woman’s husband misinterpreted her desire to help him improve a situation he was dealing with as criticism and control, rather than seeing it as an expression of her love and concern for him.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman wants to improve something, whether in her environment or her relationship, it isn’t because she disapproves of it – it’s because she sees the potential for making it better.
Women are natural fixers, natural healers, natural helpers. We are always on the lookout for whatever or whoever needs assistance. If we hear just a little change of tone in our baby’s cry while she’s in her crib, we quickly go in to check and make sure she’s all right. If we see a woman in a store struggling to zip up the back of her dress, we volunteer to help. If we know a friend is going through a difficult time, we call just to see if she needs anything. If we sense our lover is having a rough day, we ask him what’s wrong, and if there’s anything we can do.
Again, perhaps it is because we are genetically designed to be mothers that we have such an elaborate system of built-in radar that detects need in others. Over and over again in my interviews with women for this book, they asked me to explain this to men: When a woman is trying to help or improve something in her relationship with you, she isn’t doing it out of a desire to criticize or make you feel wrong – she’s doing it out of love, and with a vision of the potential for something even greater to blossom between you.
WHY MEN FEEL CONTROLLED WHEN WOMEN’S CREATIVE ENERGY FLOWS
I believe that, at times, men love the part of a woman that is a “manifester” and “improver,” but they can also fear and mistrust it. There is a force to that expression of a woman’s nature that often makes men uncomfortable, like gazing upon a rushing body of water that can’t be stopped as it moves forward. They know they are witnessing something intense, something powerful, and something that appears, at times, almost relentless in its mission to manifest a particular outcome. And in a way, they are right – for when a woman is in a creative mode, she is tapping into the primordial life force that reverberates deep inside of her Whether she is conscious of this or not, she is, in that moment, a channel for what the Eastern mystics call the shakti, the life-giving principle, the creative power that is responsible for every form of manifestation.
Here’s an important point I want to share with you: The intensity of the creative life force manifesting itself in a woman’s behavior or intention can mistakenly appear aggressive, domineering, and controlling to a man.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
A woman’s tendency to create or improve can be misinterpreted by men as tendency to control.
Men, a woman could be expressing her tendency to manifest or improve by planning a trip for the two of you, redecorating the bedroom, attempting to offer her suggestions for a problem you’ve been having with a coworker, proposing you both go to a therapist to work on your relationship, or asking you what you’d like for dinner – it often doesn’t matter what her specific behavior is – and somehow you end up feeling as if she is trying to control you, to get you to do things her way.
Let me share a story from my past that perfectly illustrates this point:
Many years ago when I was in one of my first serious relationships, my partner and I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean – neither of us had been there before and we agreed that we would treat ourselves and go. I asked him if he wanted to make the arrangements, and he suggested I go ahead and look into it. Our vacation was approaching in only four months, so I thought I’d better get started on the plans right away.
The next day I went to the bookstore and bought several guidebooks for the Caribbean islands. I began researching all of the different places we could stay, called the 800 numbers to order free brochures from various hotels, and got in touch with some friends who’d taken several trips to a number of islands to ask their opinion of the best places to visit. Within days, I had pages of data about every aspect of our upcoming journey.
One evening later that week, I enthusiastically showed my partner all the information I’d discovered, explaining in detail which hotels in our budget seemed best, which islands had the most features suited to our taste, and what airlines offered the most convenient and economical flights. I sat there bursting with excitement as I shared the results of my vacation project, and couldn’t wait to see my mate’s reaction, for I was certain he’d be so pleased with me and the thorough job I’d done.
You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when I finished my presentation and looked at my partner, only to discover that he had a horribly cold look on his face.
“Is something wrong?” I asked him. He didn’t respond; he just kept looking at me with that same uncomfortable stare.
“Didn’t you like the places I showed you?” I probed.
“They were fine,” he finally said in a flat voice, breaking the icy silence.
“But what’s the matter?” I pleaded. “Why do you look like you’re mad at me?”
“It’s just the way you did all of this,” he said in a sharp tone. “Why did you even bother telling me about it? I mean, it looks like you’ve already made up your mind about where you want to go and what you like best. Since it’s your plan, there’s really nothing for me to say.”
My plan? What was he talking about? It was our vacation. All I did