“Like I said,” I continued, “you wish I were a man!”
“Why do you keep repeating that? I don’t want a man – I just want you to not care so much about whether I call you or we see each other, to go ahead with your own life and if I show up, I show up.”
“I hear you,” I responded with irritation. “You wish I were a man! I keep saying that because that’s who you’re describing!”
I share this story as a response to those men who, after taking in all the information in this chapter, still might be lamenting, as Professor Henry Higgins sang in the classic Broadway musical My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” You have several choices if you really feel this way:
1. You can change your sexual preference and not have to deal with women at all. (This is probably not an option for most of you!)
2. You can find a woman who is cut off from the female part of herself and demands very little from you and from love. (This may feel comfortable for a while, but eventually, you will feel emotionally frustrated and ripped off.)
OR…
3. You can learn to understand why women are the way we are, and appreciate our nature rather than resist it.
Personally, I recommend the third option. As you’ll see throughout the rest of this book, the more you value and honor the love a woman has for you, the more she will end up giving you exactly what you want and need, offering you satisfaction and contentment in ways you couldn’t even have imagined.
Let me share a story with you about a man I knew who ended up breaking his own heart because he turned away from a woman who put love first, thinking it would be easier to be with a woman who didn’t care as much. Jonathan was in his thirties and had been living with his girlfriend, Kristen, for two years. Kristen was a bright, warm, and energetic person who adored Jonathan and wanted to spend her life with him. Although Jonathan deeply loved Kristen, he had a difficult time with how much she loved him. She was devoted, thoughtful, consistent, and definitely a woman who put love first, and it sometimes felt overwhelming to Jonathan, who thought of himself as very independent and unconventional.
I remember a conversation I had with Jonathan in which he confessed that he was craving his freedom and fantasizing about being in a less demanding relationship. “It just feels like it’s too much,” he complained.
“Jonathan,” I suggested, “I don’t think Kristen is doing anything but loving you. She’s offered you her whole heart. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Sometimes I wish she didn’t love me as much – it would make it easier to be with her.”
I was sad but not surprised when, several months later, Jonathan called to tell me that he had broken up with Kristen. I listened silently as he described a new woman he was dating, Abby, and how much more comfortable he felt. “Abby’s really different from Kristen,” he explained. “She’s not very emotional, not needy at all, and she gives me my space.”
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as Jonathan spoke about his new girlfriend. I suspected I knew the kind of woman he was talking about – a woman who had been hurt, had closed off her heart and thus demanded very little from the men in her life. My worries were corroborated when I met Abby. She was, indeed, cold and aloof. She treated Jonathan dispassionately, although he didn’t seem to notice any of this. He sat there with his arm around her making conversation, oblivious to the fact that, although she was pleasant, she was hardly paying any special attention to him. When Abby went to the restroom, Jonathan told me that he’d never felt so relaxed or free in a relationship in his life. “Naturally,” I thought to myself, “because you’re not really in an emotional relationship.” But I said nothing.
A few months later, I received a wedding invitation from Jonathan and Abby. I wanted to warn him of what I feared would be the inevitable painful outcome of his choice, but I bit my tongue and wished them the best in my heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Kristen and how devastated she would be when she found out Jonathan was marrying someone else.
What happened to Jonathan? Unfortunately, just what I thought would happen. At first, he felt relieved to be in a relationship that put so few emotional demands on him. But as time passed, he began to feel neglected by Abby. She didn’t seem to care what he did, where he went, or what was going on inside of him. She didn’t make any efforts to spend intimate time together. She wasn’t too interested in sex, and seemed content to focus on her career, hang out with her friends, and decorate their house. Basically, she just left Jonathan alone.
Slowly, Jonathan realized that he was starving for attention and affection. He began thinking about Kristen, remembering how much in love with him she’d been, and he found himself longing to feel that loved again. When he tried to talk to Abby about his needs, she showed no interest in working out their problems, insisting that she felt everything was just fine the way it was. Finally, Jonathan accepted the inevitable – he had made a terrible mistake. He had married the wrong woman.
Jonathan called me a year later to tell me he was getting a divorce. He was depressed and lonely. He’d contacted Kristen, secretly hoping that she would take him back, and was heartbroken to find she was engaged to be married to someone else. “I blew it,” he confessed to me, his voice choked with tears. “What was I thinking? Why did I convince myself I would be better off with a woman who didn’t know how to love?”
What’s the answer? Why did Jonathan turn away from the deep love he shared with Kristen for the hands-off, dispassionate kind of relationship he had with Abby? Because it seemed easier. Because it put no demands on him. Because it supported the illusion that, if he was free to do as he pleased without having to pay attention to a woman’s needs, he would be happy. Of course, Jonathan was wrong. He made a tragic mistake that many men make – he did not value the presence of a woman in his life who put love first.
Remember, men: A woman with an open, loving, passionate heart is offering you a profound gift. She is not trying to take anything from you, but rather give you her love, her commitment, her devotion, her joy. Not all women are capable of doing this. If you have one who is, hold tightly to her and thank your lucky stars that you found her.
LEARNING TO CELEBRATE YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE
A few days ago, I sent this chapter to a female friend of mine and asked her if she would read it and give me some feedback. As soon as she was finished, she called me. “Do you know how I felt reading this?” she asked. “I felt normal. It’s not like I haven’t heard some of this information before, or that I didn’t know how important love was to me. But to have it presented in the way you did helped me become more accepting of myself, and less judgmental. The truth is that for years, I’ve beat myself up for doing what I thought was loving too much. It feels so much better to think of my loving heart as a gift, not a weakness.”
I was so gratified to hear my friend’s reaction to this information, for that has been one of my main intentions in writing this chapter, and the others to follow in this section – to help women accept and love themselves more for who they are and the powerful way in which they love.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW:
Having a tender, open heart is not a curse, but a blessing. Loving deeply and with devotion is not a mistake, but a gift. Putting love first is not a weakness, but an expression of who you are as a woman.
It is difficult to always remember this when we spend our lives defending how we love to men, and when we are constantly told that something is wrong with us for giving so much of ourselves in a relationship. I’ve struggled with this dilemma myself ever since I can remember, wondering if I wouldn’t somehow be better off if my heart was less open. I remember going to see a psychic once and complaining about how deeply I loved, and how much I felt. She looked at me and said, “Barbara, you worked hard