Filling the space is what women do when we see an empty table, and think about what we could put on it to make it look better; it’s what we do when there is an awkward silence in a conversation and we invent something clever to say to help break the ice; it’s what we do when we see a vacation is coming up, and we start fantasizing about where we could go with our lover.
This term describes one of the ways women express their desire to create – we like to fill up what is empty. Women’s creative force is stimulated by emptiness. It is as if when we see something that is empty or blank, we feel the need to fill it, to manifest something in that space so that it becomes occupied with life, with beauty, with love.
What is it about emptiness, whether in a space or a conversation or a calendar, that urges a woman’s creativity into action? Is it because in the sexual act, we feel the primal urge to fill the physical space inside ourselves with a man? Or is it something in our genetic makeup as life-givers that makes an empty space too tempting? Whatever the cause, one thing is certain – women like filling space with our energy.
One of the most common ways women fill the space is by making plans. We love to plan. We love to take what was a blank space in the future and turn it into something exciting and meaningful. We don’t do this, as some men conclude, out of insecurity or a need to control our partner’s time. We plan because it is a way for us to honor time, as we will see in Chapter 3, and because when we plan, we give our creative power a wonderful outlet in which to express itself.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women love making plans because it allows us to fill up an empty space in time with our love, our passion, and our creativity.
I don’t think men realize the joy women take in planning, especially when it involves their intimate relationship. That’s because for most men, planning is not an emotional activity as it is for most women. When a man plans, he is doing a task, figuring out the details. He is getting something off his to-do list, and then he moves on to the next thing. When women plan, however, it is an act of love. Whether it’s a party, an evening out, a vacation, or a special dinner, the process of planning becomes a channel through which a woman’s devotion can flow. It is as creative an act for her as painting a picture or composing a song. She is giving birth to an event, a happening, an opportunity for relaxation or romance or recreation. And this makes her very happy.
2. Improving
Improving is the second way a woman’s creative nature expresses itself. What’s the difference between manifesting and improving? Manifesting is creating from scratch: birthing something out of nothing. Improving, on the other hand, is taking something that already exists and making it better. It is rebirthing.
The urge to improve is so much a part of most women’s character that we’re not even aware of its almost omnipresent existence in our speech, behavior, and attitude toward others. We accept it in ourselves, just as we accept it in other women. It is just the way we are.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women see the potential in everything, and we want to help that potential grow. That is why we like to improve things.
The desire to improve what is within us and around us is really the act of seeing the potential in things, the possibility hidden beneath the surface, and doing what we can to help that potential manifest. Women seem to possess this kind of vision that sees the flower waiting to erupt from the seed, and also the tendency to nurture that seed until it blossoms. Perhaps this vision of potentiality is so strong in us because we are genetically designed to be mothers, to nurture what is small so that it can grow. We exercise this part of ourselves in big and small ways every day:
“It’s gorgeous,” you reply. “What a great color for you.” Then, without even thinking, you add, “Here, let me just pull this part a bit tighter and tuck in these ends. Now it looks perfect. What do you think?”
Your friend looks in the mirror, and replies, “You’re right – it does look better. Thanks!” It was totally natural for you to want to improve upon the way she had tied the scarf. You saw a way it could be better. And she intuitively understood this, and welcomed your input.
“Have you thought about trying to switch the two pieces?” you suggest. “That way, you’ll have more space between the couch and the bookshelf.”
Your sister doesn’t hesitate for a moment. “Let’s try it and see how it looks,” she replies. The two of you slide the furniture around until it is arranged in a different configuration.
“What do you think?” you ask her, trying to catch your breath.
“You know, I like it better!” she says enthusiastically. “It isn’t so cluttered. I knew I needed your opinion. I’d lost perspective since I live here all the time.”
When you looked at your sister’s living room, your eye naturally noticed a way the furniture could look better. You didn’t try to scrutinize it – you just spontaneously saw how it could be improved.
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your friend replies with frustration, “but I just don’t seem to be getting through to him, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
You ask your friend to replay her conversations with Louis for you, and as you listen, you get a sense of what the problem might be.
“You know, it sounds to me like you’ve been telling Louis what you’re unhappy with, but perhaps not asking enough questions about what’s going on with him. I mean, maybe he’s getting a divorce; maybe he has some family problem, or health concern that you don’t know about. What if you asked him what he thinks the problem might be?”
“That’s something I hadn’t thought of,” your friend admits. “I guess I was just hoping the problem would go away after my first warning to him, but obviously it hasn’t. Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to talk to him as soon as I get back to the office.”
As you heard your friend lament over her office problem, your mind instantly began searching for a solution. You weren’t trying to tell her what to do – you simply saw a way she might handle things differently and you wanted to help.
Ladies, I’ll bet most of you can relate to all three of these examples. They illustrate how this tendency to improve is such an integral part of our consciousness. Notice that in the three stories, each of the women were grateful for the input they received. Why? Other women understand and accept this quality, the desire to improve, for it is who they are as well.
Now for a contrast, imagine the first two scenarios enacted by two men instead of two women:
The