Hard to swallow, eh, for your serious generation, taking your lead from our sedate young Queen, God bless her, and her pump-faced German noodle – ah, there’s the difference, in a nutshell! You have the muff Albert, God help you, pious, worthy, dull as a wet Sabbath and dressed like a dead Quaker; we had fat Prinny, boozy and cheery and chasing skirt, in the pink of fashion as cut by Scott and approved by Brummell. That’s the difference thirty years has made. Your statesmen don’t gamble or fight duels; there ain’t one trace-kicker among your Society women; royalty don’t fornicate or have turn-ups at coronations nowadays; and what noble lord trains a prize pug or flees to France with the duns in full cry? Where are your dandy Corinthian out-and-outers, dazzling the ton, sparring with the Black Beetles or charging Kellerman’s cavalry, breaking their necks over hedges, and all for the fun of it? Or your peep-o’-day Quality beauties, with their night-long parties, but fresh as daisies in Hyde Park by day? Or your high-flight Cyprians, rising by wit and beauty from nowhere to enchant the bucks and set the scandalised tea-cups rattling from Apsley House to Great Swallow Street?
No, they wouldn’t suit in this stale age, for they were a different breed, male and female. I don’t see the like today of Moll Douglas or Caro Lamb, or Jane Harley – Lady Oxford to you, who had so many brats by assorted sires they called ’em the Harleian Miscellany – or dear Hetty Stanhope, even, who decamped to be a Turkish sultana, as I recall. Women had style, then, as well as beauty. And men today are so damned sane and proper, not like Camelford, who went to France in disguise to try to murder Napoleon, or Jack Lade who married a highwayman’s wench, or my chum Harry Mellish who locked Clarence in the roundhouse and once lost forty thousand pounds on the roll of a single dice, or the three Barrymores – Hellgate, Cripplegate, and Newgate, so Prinny called ’em, and their noble sister was Billingsgate, on account of her fishwife tongue. Aye, it was a different age, gone now – and good riddance, you may think. But if it was wild and reckless, it was alive, with spirits that England couldn’t accommodate today. It was ready for any kind of lark and freak, and to hail the likes of Tom Molineaux as a nine-day wonder.
He wouldn’t be that nowadays, I can tell you. Not to the modern taste, any more than the bucks and beauties of his time would be.
Why’s that, eh? I’ll tell you why your age is different, and staid, and settled. It’s ’cos you ain’t had a good war in years; you han’t peered into the abyss and looked death and ruin in the face. We did, with Europe under the Corsican’s boot, the French at our gate, and Old England on the lion’s lip. You may say now that the crisis was passed by ’10 or ’11, but we didn’t know it. We’d just seen the finest force that Britannia ever sent overseas, forty thousand strong, wrecked at Walcheren, and our battered Peninsulars being driven back to Portugal. The devil with it, we said, we’ll beat ’em yet, and whether we do or whether we don’t, we’ll eat, drink, and be merry, for ’tis all one. That’s why England was full of sin and impudence, then.
No doubt you think our great concerns should ha’ been Boney, or the Luddites, or when the King, poor Old Nobbs, would lose the last of his wits (such as he had), and whether Prinny would bring in the Whigs. Those are the matters treated of by bookworms and historians and fellows of that sort, who regard ’em as the burning topics of the day. Not a bit of it.
What d’ye think was the talk of the Town when I came back from the Peninsula in ’09? Aye, I was invalided home after Talavera – that was the excuse, leastways, but the fact was I’d fought four duels in three weeks, and Old Hooky wouldn’t stand it: swore I did our own side more harm than Victor. Damned sauce. I’d done the Frogs harm enough, and he knew it.
Talavera … Gad, that was the day. Who’s heard of it now, the Spanish Waterloo, where the Peninsular war trembled in the balance? If we’d lost, Spain was lost, and perhaps the war; Wellesley would never ha’ been Wellington, that’s certain, and Boney would ha’ conquered Russia. Talavera … heat, and dust, and bloody bayonets. Wellington vowed it was the most desperate fight he’d ever seen, with Victor outnumbering us two to one – aye, we proved that one Briton was worth two Frogs, that day. Good men, though, those same Frogs – d’ye know, there was a truce in the midst of the battle, when we and they watered our beasts together in the Portina brook, and exchanged snuff and civilities? Old Villatte, who commanded their cavalry, was there, and offered “King” Allan of the Guards his flask. King sluiced his ivories and shook hands.
“Thank’ee, mon general,” says King. “Hot day, ain’t it? Why don’t you go home?”
“Apres vous, m’sieur,” grins old Villatte, and everyone burst out laughing, and our rankers and the French moustaches were swapping fills o’ their pipes, and we cheered each other back to the lines.
Then they came at us like tigers, as only Frogs can, with “Old Trousers” thundering along a two-mile front, that huge mass of infantry tearing a great hole in our line. Fraser Mackenzie’s Midlanders held on like bulldogs, it was touch and go, and then Victor let drive at our left flank below the Medellin Hill, and I thought we was done for.
“Now or never!” cries Anson. “Off you go, Ponsonby!” and away we went, 23rd Lights and German Legion, knee to knee against that huge tide of Froggy horse in the valley, with the trumpeters sounding charge. We were going full tilt when the hidden gully opened almost under our hooves, and “Hold on, Flash!” bawls Ponsonby, but my hunter was over it like a swallow, and the rest came jumping or tumbling after, and we went into their Green Chasseurs like a steel fist, sabres whirling and fellows going down like ninepins, such a turn-up as you never saw. There was a French square behind us, and great waves of their cavalry before, two hundred of our 23rd boys went down, but we scattered the Chasseurs, and then their Chevaux Legers and Polish Lancers broke over us like a tide, with those damned whistles in their helmets wailing like banshees. I took a lance in the leg and a cut on the neck – see here – but was holding my own till my poor little grey went down and some blasted Pole put a bullet through my sword-arm.
Time’s up, Flash, thinks I, you won’t make scratch this time, for what was left of us was being trampled underfoot, but they took me prisoner, along with a few others, and I was exchanged next day, leaking like a cracked pot. But they hadn’t turned our flank, bigod, and our centre held, Froggy drew off with his bellyful, leaving seven thousand dead to our five thousand, Old Hooky ceased to be Wellesley and became Lord Wellington … and that was Talavera.
You know what came of it … we lived to fight another day, Hooky withdrew to Portugal, foxed Massena with Torres Vedras, and held French armies in Spain that Boney could have used in Russia where he froze to death, France was beat – and all because the Light Brigade crossed that gully, perhaps. I like to think so, at all events; worth being skewered and trampled, what? In the meantime, I came home … now, where the devil was I, before you reminded me of the Peninsula?
Ah, yes, I was asking what you supposed the buzz was in Town that autumn of ’09? The war? The King’s madness? The Cabinet? No such thing. The name on every lip wasn’t Talavera or Hooky or Boney, but Mary Clarke – and I’ll lay a million to a mag you never heard of her, eh? I thought not.
Ah, Mary! She was the sweetest little nesting-bird, and my first love ’fore I went to Spain – well, one of ’em. Shape of Aphrodite, sassy as a robin, and devoted to the study of cavalry subalterns – when she wasn’t accommodating the Duke of York, that is. She was his prize pullet, you see, and we lesser lights (I was a mere cornet of horse then, but she was nuts on me) had to slip in at her back door in Gloucester Place like so many area sneaks. Gad, she was the bang-up