The dad did not yell or berate his child in any way. In fact, he empathized with his son’s plight, and he took Matthew’s behavior as an opportunity to teach him a life lesson. Having a boundary, and a firm consequence when the child crosses the line, creates accountability. That in turn empowers children to police their own sense of right and wrong.
The key to setting effective limits is to let your child know that his or her feelings are valid, even empathized with, but the limit remains. This was a turning point for Matthew. He talks today with pride about his dad’s intervention. Matthew went on to win sportsmanship awards in both high school and college.
“Sometimes a child’s really bad choice can lead to a really great defining moment.”
—Educator
This father’s parenting was exemplary. His empathy for his child and calm delivery created an alliance and strengthened their bond. He loved his kid right through the lesson. He was a calm, clear leader. He did not react with anger or rage. He did not shame his child.
What if a furious father had run out on the court, screaming at his son, “You should be ashamed of yourself,” “You have humiliated me,” “How dare you,” etc., etc.? This type of intervention just does not work. You might control the behavior in the short run, but all you are really doing is eroding the parent-child bond in the long run.
Shaming is hard to shake. Trust me on this one. It’s toxic! It’s just destructive noise that chips away at a developing self. That’s not what parents are trying to do when they discipline their kids. But many times in my office, I have heard adults persistently repeat these comments to themselves with a deep sense of shame. The harmful words are no longer being said by the parents; they are now the negative narration in the child’s head. Shaming becomes internalized self-hatred.
“My mum constantly called me lazy when I was growing up. Now, no matter how hard I work or how much I achieve, I think I’m lazy.”
—Tales from the couch
“Every time I sang as a child, my mother told me I had a terrible voice and should never sing loudly. Would you believe to this day I still mouth ‘Happy Birthday’?”
—Alison, forty-two
“When I was little, my mum used to tell me that I had fat feet. I am always self-conscious when I wear sandals, and I am seventy-three.”
—Grandmother
It’s hard to cast off the messages of childhood and to silence the voice that is now on automatic replay.
The way you talk to your kids is the way that they will talk to themselves. You are the voice in your child’s head.
The effect of shaming words can’t be overstated. You are lazy, you’re selfish, you’re sneaky gets programmed into your offspring’s head and directly into their feelings of self-worth. Whether talking to your toddler, teen, or emerging adult, remember that your words will echo for years—and likely get passed down to your grandkids.
I recently walked into a basketball practice, and as I stepped one foot into the gym, I heard a mother berating her son: “Move it, you’re so slow. What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”
I must not have hidden my shock. The mum said, “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t talking to you!”
I laughed and answered, “Oh, that’s a relief! That’s just how you talk to your son!”
Someone who screams at her child is not an involved parent but an unenlightened parent. Can you imagine what is already programmed into this nine-year-old boy’s head?
Parents today are hypervigilant about the wrong things. The value of going to every game is lost when you spend that time tearing down your child. Using harsh words to coach basketball moves is shortsighted. Loving through carefully chosen language pays much bigger psychological dividends. Nothing will line up future success more than having your child internalize a loving and compassionate voice instead of a harsh and punitive one.
“Would you feed your kids junk food all day long? So don’t feed them junky thoughts.”
—Family therapist
This is a tall order, I know. Parenting presents you with so many unpredictable moments that shock you. When we don’t take time to think about how to respond, we revert back to the old way we were parented. Words fly out of our mouths before we have a chance to filter them.
If it was someone else’s kid on the court throwing the racket, we would not feel as reactive. But with our own child, love makes us irrational, and we go from zero to irate in two seconds. Emotions hijack our best judgment and can lead to a delivery that we are not proud of. It is easy in the heat of the moment to react with anger, shame, or blame.
The classic example is parents screaming at their kids to calm down. We can either model calmness or we will match their agitation tantrum for tantrum. So breathe, and think, before you speak.
Think of choosing language as a way of loving your child! Language can unite, or language can divide. Mindful parenting is the ultimate in damage control. Think of how you would have been spared had your parents chosen their words with more care.
The most stellar parents and teachers I interviewed all understand this essential secret: choosing words with grace is the most underrated tool in creating a strong parent-child bond—or any healthy relationship, really. In order to engage your child’s highest self, you have to talk to his or her highest self.
“If I can’t reach my child, I need to approach them with more care and different words.”
—Judy Mansfield, teacher
“When emotions are charged, and a child is frustrated, and when real learning is at a premium, words should be highly choreographed.”
—College coach
If words are choreography, delivery is music. And if the volume is turned too high, kids will just tune out.
“When my mum screams so loud, I can never hear her words, only the screaming. First I feel scared, then sad. ... Sometimes I wish that I had a different mum.”
—Tales from the couch
Rage and punishment may control behavior in the short run. Kids who are scared of their parents might appear submissive and even well behaved. But I assure you that intimidation as a means of control chips away at the foundation of the child’s self-esteem and paves the way for defenses to be built. The child’s real self goes underground. My job as a psychiatrist is to chisel away at those defenses and re-parent in a safer way.
So please help put me out of business. Let’s not fire the verbal arrows that make our kids build walls around their hearts. Instead of unleashing sharp words, try to keep them to yourself. We have an opportunity in each moment to give or to take, to add or subtract to our kids’ lives. Conscious choices with our words can edit a frustrated inner monologue into a more constructive dialogue. Practice filtering your thoughts so you don’t say hurtful words that can’t be taken back.
In other words, grow the muscles that will let you be reflective, not reflexive. This takes patience, practice, and commitment. But I can assure you it is so worth it. When you are calm and rational, you can set limits with love.
“When I am on overload and my kids are acting up, I give myself a time-out. I give myself a beat. I tell my girls that I will be right back. I sit on my bed and breathe. I give myself a moment so that I can calm down and feel more balanced.”
—Stay-at-home dad
That simple act has a profound effect. Exciting neuroscience research