Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. “I know that you are disappointed.”
Step 3: Set the limit. “It is not OK to act like this.”
Step 4: Give an opportunity to self-regulate. “You can pick one of these two desserts.”
Step 5: State a firm consequence. “If you can’t control your behavior, we are going to leave the party.”
Step 6: Follow through. Shock the parent police and actually leave. Thunderous applause will erupt.
“You have to be willing to leave the party. If your kid is acting up, you have to pull the plug. You have to let a child know that your threats aren’t empty. You would earn some cool points with the other mums if you threaten to leave and actually follow through.”
—Mother of three
What Suzie needed were some clear limits that it is not OK to be demanding and bully people to get your needs met. She had to learn how to handle the disappointment of not getting exactly what she wanted and how to be flexible and compromise. Her mum should have tolerated her daughter’s disappointment without rushing in to fix it.
Always keep your eye on the message: What am I teaching my child? In the throes of a conflict, see if you can take a deep breath, push pause, and reflect. Now push fast-forward: Am I helping to foster the qualities in my child that I value? Is how I am reacting now helpful in the long run or am I just throwing a barking dog a bone? Had Suzie’s mum properly disciplined her child, that would have been the sweetest and most lasting lesson.
Your parenting should not be guided by your children’s reactions. That’s the wrong compass. You are wiser, older, and have better judgment. Don’t let them wear you down and don’t let their escalating agitation fuel yours.
“My daughter yelled one day, ‘Just because I ask, doesn’t mean that you have to say yes. Just say no, Mum.’ I was mortified!”
—Mother of one
We are clearly seeing a generation of more entitled kids. On her first day at work, a babysitter asked the mum for instructions in caring for her seven-year-old son. The reply: “Let him be the boss and you’ll have an easy day.” The day might be easier for the sitter, but I can assure you life will be rougher for the boy. That same afternoon, the babysitter told him that he had to pick up his toys. He retorted, “I am going to tell my mum and she is going to fire you.”
It is unbecoming—no, that is too PC—it is obnoxious for a child to have that much power. This boy’s attitude is so out of whack with reality. And as he grows, that overdeveloped sense of importance will be disruptive in school and unappealing to potential employers. Learning the hierarchy at home enables children to respect the hierarchy of school, workplaces, and life in general.
One way to make children understand they are not entitled to everything is to say no to things they want but clearly don’t need.
A mum did battle over a bathing suit in Bloomingdale’s. Her thirteen-year-old was lobbying hard for a designer suit. The mum took one look at the price and said no. She explained: “I am not buying you an expensive bathing suit that you will quickly outgrow.”
He begged and grew upset when she wouldn’t budge. “I don’t understand why you will not buy that for me. You can afford it.”
She responded: “I know I can afford it, but I don’t value it. You can sue me one day for teaching you values.” The boy replied, “OK, you win.” You have to be willing to hold your ground, to follow through and do what is right for your child, not what is easier in the moment.
Following through some times but not others spells disaster. In psychiatry we call this variable reinforcement, which means that a response is reinforced in an unpredictable manner. Gambling is a great example. You put a coin in a slot machine and sometimes you will hit the jackpot, but many times you won’t, and you keep coming back just in case. Variable reinforcement can keep us stuck in bad behaviors. If your child feels that your threats are empty and that every once in a while you might follow through, it will be very hard to discipline effectively. If you say no, but only enforce it every fifth time, your words mean nothing.
Kids learn best with consistent follow-through, what we call a fixed ratio. They learn to trust that you do what you say and say what you mean. If you don’t follow through, you can seem unreliable in your child’s eyes. How we reinforce behavior has a dramatic effect on how our children act, respond, and ultimately behave. Discipline works best when it is consistent. It is amazing how quickly you can turn behavior around with reliable follow-through.
No Hitting Allowed
The most shocking thing in parenting today is watching children hit their parents. Unfortunately, it is not that uncommon. But it is outrageous and unacceptable.
It was equally outrageous for parents of generations past to hit their kids. Parents should never use physical punishment, and there are no exceptions to this rule. You are teaching a child, by bad example, that physical violence is a way to solve problems. You are modeling out-of-control behavior yourself.
Let’s check out the message: My kid is acting up, so I am going to slug him and teach him that when he is feeling upset, just go punch someone!” This is what they know, this is what you have taught them. Yes, you may get immediate obedience in the short run, but you also may get a litany of long-term damage. Research shows that kids who are hit become less likely to comply, more likely to be physically aggressive, and increasingly vulnerable to substance abuse and mental health issues. “I was hit and I turned out fine” is a common, but lousy, rationalization. Memories of being hit plague lots of adults. Just because kids have been hit for centuries does not make it right or a valid teaching tool.
Nor is it right, in today’s inverted power structure, for kids to hit their parents.
Today’s crazy message is: “You’re upset, go ahead and give me a good slap across the face.” You are literally and figuratively giving your child the upper hand—a hand that we now know no one should raise.
At the park, a mum was chatting with some other mums, and told her four-year-old daughter that they needed to leave in five minutes. The girl pitched a fit and whined to stay longer. After the mum said they couldn’t, the girl slapped her across the face. The embarrassed mum laughed nervously and continued talking to the other mums.
The mum squad looked on, shocked and horrified. They should have been. When kids think it is OK to slug Mum or Dad, all respect is lost.
A classroom needs a teacher, a ship needs a captain, and your child needs a parent. Your job is not to please your child, your job is to parent your child. Your job is to set limits and boundaries to keep your kids safe.
TMI: Too Much Information
Another pendulum swing in today’s parenting culture is excessive talk and excessive explanations. We’ve gone from “No, because I said so” to reasoning through every issue until we’re blue in the face.
“This generation of parents never stops talking. Parents today don’t spend time just being with their children, so they try to connect by nonstop talking. It is crazy-making for a child. Children tune out after the first few words. They just stop listening.”
—Early education teacher
I observed a two-year-old on a fenced-in balcony. Mum launched into a soliloquy. “Amy, don’t go so close to the edge. You could fall and you could really hurt yourself and that would be so awful. It makes me nervous when you are so close to the edge. You are making Mummy nervous. I’m going to need therapy. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
TMI. The child is two! How about a simple “No, honey, that is not safe,” end of story.