‘I hope so,’ my father said softly, and we turned for home.
When Sergey got back to the apartment, I took him into our bedroom while Papa waited outside. I told him everything that had happened.
He saw at once that there was no way to deny it, so he said defiantly, ‘I didn’t take the job because I couldn’t get a reference.’
‘But why not?’ I cried.
‘Because I’ve never worked anywhere.’
I looked at him as the breath left my body.
‘What?’
‘I didn’t want you to know the truth so I lied. I’m sorry. I have a criminal record because I stole something when I was young and now I can’t get a job.’ He shrugged.
‘But where did you get the money you’ve been giving me all these months?’
‘I’ve got a deal with a family who rent my parents’ house from me. It’s been empty ever since they died and these people pay me each month in cash.’
I knew it was true that Sergey had a house but I’d never wanted to live there. It was in a different part of Simferopol and it was more like a village place with no running water or electricity, and I had much preferred it at Papa’s. But now I stared at Sergey. ‘Why are you saying these things? Why are you telling me fresh lies? If someone was paying rent then you’d have brought more money home each month.’
‘Oxana, believe me,’ Sergey pleaded. ‘I gave you everything I had.’
I knew he was lying. What about all those nights he’d come home late and drunk? He’d spent whatever money he’d got on alcohol and his friends rather than his wife and baby.
There was no remorse in Sergey, only cold defiance. Was my whole life based on lies? Why didn’t my husband want to work and support us? I hoped that now I had learned the truth, he would change and take responsibility for us. I had to be a good wife to him—give my husband another chance and show him that I still loved him. But soon it was clear that things were not going to be so simple.
‘Well?’ demanded Papa when I finally went to see him. ‘What was his excuse? It had better be a good one.’
When I told him what Sergey had said, he was furious. ‘How can a man live like that? How he can sponge off me and not look after his own wife and child? It’s incredible!’
‘Please don’t hurt him!’ I begged. I could see that Papa wanted to beat him up.
‘I won’t—for your sake,’ he answered. ‘But it’s quite simple, Oxana. Sergey has to go.’
‘No, no! Please don’t separate us! Give him another chance.’
‘No. I’ve had enough. I want him out, at once.’
I felt sick as I heard those words. What would we do? My place was with my husband whatever trouble we were in. My fear turned to anger and hysteria, and I started screaming until my father slapped me. Sadness wrestled with anger in his eyes but all I felt was fury. Once again he’d shown what he was really like.
‘That’s it,’ I cried. ‘I’m going now and you’ll never see me again.’
‘But you can’t take Sasha. You can’t just leave.’
‘Yes I can. Sergey is my husband, the father of my child.’
This time I was the one who lost control and behaved like the sixteen-year-old I was. Papa said nothing as I packed our bags, walked into the living room and threw my keys at him.
‘I hope you’re happy,’ I shouted as I slammed the door behind
The snow cracked under the pram wheels as I pushed Sasha along the street. It was January 1994 and I was eight months pregnant with my second child. I was on my way to see Mamma in the early evening and my head was full of thoughts. So many things had happened since leaving Papa’s eighteen months before and none of them were happy.
Sergey and I had gone to the only place we could think of when we left Papa’s. He hadn’t been lying when he’d said that he’d rented out his parents’ house, so we couldn’t stay there. Instead, we moved into an outbuilding in the garden called the summer kitchen, a one-room stone building with no glass in the windows, no running water and no stove. I tried to make it a home but it was impossible: it was always cold, draughty and miserable. On top of that, Sergey obviously felt that now I had found out about his lies, there was no need to pretend any longer. His love for me seemed to have died the day I confronted him with the truth about himself and now I finally saw him for what he was—a drunk who hated work and would rather see his wife and child go hungry than give up the little money he earned doing odd jobs and bought vodka with. There were many days without food and it was hard caring for Sasha—nappies didn’t dry because the summer kitchen was so cold, his skin was raw and his stomach always empty.
Sergey and I rowed and fought all the time and one night, after a terrible fight when he flew at me with his fists, I knew I had to leave. I went back to Papa’s apartment that night, taking Sasha with me. I cried with relief when Papa welcomed us into the warmth and light of my old home. At last we were safe. Somehow, I’d start again and put Sergey out of my life.
But my happiness was cruelly short-lived. Two months later my dear father died quite suddenly at the age of only forty-six, worn out from a life of unrelenting hard work. I sobbed at his funeral, overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. I couldn’t help the awful feeling that I had killed him because of what I’d put him through. I had thrown all his kindness back in his face and it was my fault he was dead. My brother Vitalik soon returned to claim everything of Papa’s for himself. I saw enough to know he was taking drugs—he brought flowers to the house and cooked them in the kitchen, the house was full of needles and the smell of burning—and, as I looked into his empty eyes, knew he would never give me a penny. Sasha and I were alone again.
Soon Sergey found us. He had heard about my father’s death and returned, remorseful and crying, telling me that he loved me and the baby, and wanted us back. Things would be different, he promised. He’d stop drinking and find work, he’d make a proper home for us all. He loved me, he said, and was sorry for everything that had happened.
I believed him. I had to. In Ukraine, there was no help from the government for women like me so with no one to protect me, nowhere left to run and a child to care for, I had no choice. I had to trust that my husband was a reformed character. Besides, I couldn’t help loving him in spite of it all. The power of what I had felt for him once was still strong.
But within weeks I’d realised that Sergey hadn’t changed when I fell pregnant and he hated the baby from the moment it came to life inside me.
‘Who were you fucking when you were living with your father?’ he’d scream as we fought in that cold outbuilding while Sasha cried his heart out.
‘No one! I don’t want this baby either!’ I yelled back, weeping. It was true. I already had Sasha and we were living in such terrible circumstances—how could I care for another child? I decided I had to have an abortion but when the doctor told me it would cost me $15 I knew I could never find such money and realised I would have to try to rid myself of my unborn child. I lifted heavy furniture, had long hot baths and even pushed my fists into my stomach as I tried to loosen its hold on my body. But nothing happened and so I went to see an old lady who told me to soak dill in hot water before drinking it and another who gave me some tablets which she said would stop the pregnancy. Nothing worked.
But as the months passed, I gradually began to realise that my child was meant to come into the world. God wanted me to have another baby and I had to learn to love it. Deep down, though,