But still he heaved on top of me until suddenly a thick, musky smell filled the air. I felt warmth spread on my stomach as he rolled off me.
Silently I sat up and pulled the tape off my mouth as the men lit cigarettes. It felt like there was an animal inside me which wanted to scream but I couldn’t let it out.
‘It was all right, wasn’t it, even though you were tight?’ the blond man smiled as he smoked.
‘Can I have one?’ I asked, gesturing at the cigarette.
‘You smoke?’
‘Yes,’ I lied as he put a cigarette into my bleeding mouth and held a match to it. I felt dizzy as chemicals rushed into my brain and, without thinking, I pushed the burning cigarette onto the back of my hand. I wanted to see if I was alive but couldn’t feel a thing as the burning tip scorched my skin. Only the small white scar it left on my hand reminds me still that the day was real. But I didn’t know that back then. It all felt like a dream. When would I wake up at home?
I felt a slap on my face.
‘Are you crazy?’ the tall man shouted.
I looked at him silently.
‘She needs to clean herself,’ the blond man snapped as he took my arm and pulled me out of the tent.
I stood up and stumbled towards the sea where I started splashing myself. The water felt cold and my nose and mouth stung as the salty water bit into my cuts. Inside I felt nothing.
‘Are you all right?’ a voice asked.
I turned to see a police car parked on the beach and an officer standing near the tent. Another sat in the car.
Suddenly a flash lit up inside me. I was safe. They could help me.
But then fear filled me again. No one must ever know what had happened. My father could never find out. I would be shamed forever if he did. I started shaking as the sea rushed over my feet and I pulled down my wet T-shirt. I had no underwear. What kind of girl would they think I was?
‘I’m fine,’ I told the policeman.
He looked at me.
‘She’s my cousin,’ the blond man said.
‘Is that true?’ the officer asked.
‘Yes,’ I replied.
The policeman stared at me for a moment. ‘Well, get your things anyway because I want you to come with me.’
I dragged a hand over my mouth to wipe away the blood as I stood up to follow the man. Silently, I got into the front seat of the car as the other officer put the two men into the back. They didn’t say anything and neither did I. I wouldn’t tell, I decided as the car drove away. I’d lie if I had to. If Papa found out I wasn’t a virgin anymore then he’d either kill me or I’d be labelled a whore—either way my life would be over.
I was scared when I got to the police station. I knew what the police were like—they could do whatever they wanted—and so, even though a kind man asked me again and again what had happened, I didn’t tell him.
‘So where are your friends?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know.’
‘And your clothes?’
‘I lost them.’
‘What were you doing with the men we found you with?’
‘Just talking.’
There was silence while the policeman considered my answer. Then he said, ‘Did these men do something to you?’
‘No.’
‘Are you sure, Oxana?’
‘Yes.’
Soon a woman doctor arrived to take me to another room. I cried again as she asked me to sit in a chair with stirrups before looking at every part of me, the parts no one had ever seen until that day. The woman was silent as she examined me before turning away to write notes. Later she left the room, came back with a white gown and I was taken back to the room where the investigator sat.
‘Why have you lied to me?’ he asked softly. ‘You’ve been raped, haven’t you? The doctor says you’ve been treated very roughly. You must have been in a great deal of pain. Why keep silent?’
I stared down at the table. Would my body always tell my story to those who looked closely enough? I felt sick. Would my husband know in the years to come?
‘I’m scared,’ I sobbed. ‘My father mustn’t know what’s happened to me.’
‘But why?’
‘Because he’ll kill me. Please, please don’t tell my parents. I’ll do whatever you want but please don’t tell them.’
‘I won’t,’ he said.
So I told him everything. He kept his promise and did not call my parents. Instead, we called my second cousin, Yula, who came to pick me up and take me home. She lived not far from us with her husband and two children and I saw her often. I trusted her to help me. The investigator told her that I’d been found at the beach alone and needed clothes.
Yula came bringing clothes for me and, after speaking to the investigator, took me home in her car. We had only been driving for about fifteen minutes when she stopped the car and climbed into the back seat beside me.
‘What were you doing at the beach alone, Oxana?’ she asked gently.
I started sobbing. ‘You must never tell Mamma and Papa,’ I whispered.
Yula began crying as well. She knew my father was very strict. ‘But I have to,’ she said. ‘You’re fourteen. A girl. They need to know.’
‘Well, then I’ll kill myself,’ I cried. ‘I know how to die and I’ll do it.’
‘We have to say something, Oxana,’ she insisted. ‘You’ve been gone nearly two days.’
‘You’ll think of something,’ I said in a rush. ‘Please, Yula, you have to help me.’
We didn’t talk anymore as she drove me back to her house and waited for my mother to arrive.
An hour later, my mother came rushing in. ‘Where have you been?’ she screamed as she started slapping me. ‘Your father has had heart pain all day and night. We haven’t been to work because of you. You are a bad girl! Such trouble. We had no idea what had happened.’
‘Alexandra,’ cried Yula, ‘you don’t understand! Poor Oxana has been through a terrible ordeal. Yes, she was naughty—she went on a secret trip to the beach with her friends—but she and the others were set upon by thieves. They were badly beaten and had all their things stolen before being dumped in the middle of nowhere. She’s lucky to be alive.’
My mother’s anger vanished. ‘Oh, my poor baby!’ she said, with tears in her eyes. She put her arms round me and hugged me. I couldn’t remember when she had last done that.
Back at home, I climbed into my pyjamas and went straight to bed. The next day I told the story Yula had invented to Papa and he stopped asking questions when I began crying. He didn’t do as I’d expected and beat me. Instead my parents sent me to see relatives in the country for a week and we never mentioned what had happened again.
I still find that day at the beach almost the worst of everything that was to come. I was a child until I started running through the dark forest away from those boys. But in that moment I was forced into the painful world of adults. In the months that followed, I started seeing the devil in my dreams. I was sure that one day he would kill me.
‘Hello,’ said the young