Closing her eyes briefly, Nellie sent a silent prayer, thanking God for a husband who wanted a marriage in name only, but also asking Him to help keep her secret. She hadn’t been in that place willingly, but most people didn’t seem to understand that.
“On to more pleasant things,” Luke said, patting her hand. “How do you envision our wedding?”
As Nellie smiled back, she was grateful for the way Luke took her feelings into consideration. Though her late mother would have argued that Luke’s estrangement from the church was a large matter, each of these small kindnesses he continued showing her added up to be far more than any measurement Nellie could have given. Even before things got bad, Ernest had never been so considerate of Nellie. Her world had revolved around pleasing him—or facing the consequences.
Just because Luke struggled with his faith didn’t mean Nellie had to give up hers. Besides, it wasn’t as though she’d been a regular churchgoer herself. Ernest had forbidden her from going after they threw him out for showing up to service drunk, and Nellie had learned to observe her faith in her own quiet way.
Nothing would change in her faith if she married Luke.
Except she’d promised herself that when she finally found freedom, she’d throw herself into a church community and participate in every activity that had been denied her so long.
Would he make her break that promise?
“You do still want to marry me,” Luke said, looking down at her, “don’t you?”
Nellie met his gaze. “Of course I do. I was just thinking...”
Did she dare ask him about her reservations? They’d talked about everything else, and her faith was no small thing.
But she’d seen the flash in his eyes when he spoke of his anger at God. Everything else she’d done to test his character, to see if she could push him into the kind of rage she’d seen in Ernest...was it all to be for nothing if she didn’t pursue his potentially negative feelings now?
“I was just thinking about God. And church,” Nellie said firmly, looking him in the eye. They had paused in front of a church, and Nellie took that as a sign that they needed to have this conversation.
Luke didn’t flinch. “You’re worried my anger at God would prevent you from going?”
Nellie seemed hardly able to draw a breath. It was as though he could read her thoughts.
She nodded slowly, her eyes searching his, looking for a hint of the rage she so feared. Had she provoked him this time? Better now than after the wedding, when she wouldn’t be able to undo her mistake.
If marrying Luke was a mistake, she’d figure that out before they went through with it. Never again would she endure the pain she’d suffered during her marriage to Ernest. The coins she’d sewn in the waistband of her skirt and hidden in the toe of her shoe didn’t amount to much, but it would give her enough. Nellie had learned a few tricks of her own from Earnest’s vile friends. Never put all your coins in one place. She would always be able to escape.
If Luke revealed a temper, best to end things now.
“My quarrel is with God alone,” Luke said slowly. “I do not fault others for not sharing my anger. I would not ask anyone to bear the burden I carry. You’re free to worship as you choose.” His face darkened slightly as he took a deep breath. “Though I would ask it not include me. Save your sermons and conversion speeches for those who need it. I am not among them.”
As Nellie searched his expression, she could find no hint of violence, no sign that he would hurt her if she disobeyed him.
“All right,” she said quietly. “I can agree to that.”
Luke let out a long sigh as he turned toward the church. “I suppose you’ll want a church wedding.”
“No,” Nellie said. “I would be happy visiting a justice of the peace. But there is your family to consider. What would be best for them?”
Luke frowned, as if he had already thought that far ahead and was troubled by the answer. “I don’t know. Ruby will be angry, because she feels as though she has taken her mother’s place. I told her I was considering taking another wife, and she doesn’t believe it’s necessary. She thinks she is running the household just fine.”
As Luke shook his head, Nellie gave his arm another squeeze. It seemed slightly inappropriate that they were behaving in so familiar a manner so soon. Yet Nellie found great comfort in a man’s gentle touch, a touch void of violence and with no expectation other than that of being a friend.
“Ruby is but a child. It’s not right to ask her to give up her childhood. She disagrees, but that belief comes from a child’s mind. The others...” Luke shook his head again. “Amos seems content enough. He fights with his sister because he doesn’t like her bossing him around. And he has a point. She oversteps, but there is no one else to be in that place. I keep thinking if they had a mother, they could return to being siblings, and maybe even friends.”
Luke looked at her and smiled. “Maeve is a delight. Sometimes it’s frustrating that she has no memory of her mother. But she needs one, desperately. She needs a woman’s gentle touch. A grown woman, not her sister, because a sister is not like a mother, and Maeve needs both.”
Clearly Luke had given this matter a great deal of thought. He cared for his children and wanted only the very best for them. Though Nellie’s reasons for marrying him were selfish, she could at least do some good here.
“I’m grateful to be allowed the chance to give your children the mother they need. It won’t be easy, because I’m sure the older two miss their mother dearly. But I hope you’ll aid me in keeping her memory alive for them and letting them know that a person’s heart is big enough to allow two mothers to love a child.”
“That is exactly how I feel,” Luke said. “But my children will take some convincing. Which is why I like your idea of simply going to see the justice of the peace. I don’t have any family to invite to a wedding, other than the children. I think the gesture will be lost on them.”
Then he turned his gaze to her, his face full of thoughts she hadn’t yet learned how to decipher.
“What about your family? Will they be disappointed at you not having a wedding?”
With a sigh, Nellie thought briefly about her sister. “My parents are dead. All I have is my sister, Mabel. But she is too far away to come for a wedding, and after my last marriage, I can’t see her appreciating our circumstances.”
That, and letting Mabel know where to find Nellie could put Mabel’s family in danger. When Nellie had gone to Mabel for help after Ernest’s death, Ernest’s men told Mabel that if she ever helped Nellie again, they would harm Mabel’s family. Given that they had already burned down Mabel’s barn, Nellie knew these were not idle threats. When Nellie escaped to come West, she promised herself that she would never again put her sister at risk. Though Nellie longed to see her sister again, she had no idea whether or not those men would go back to Mabel looking for Nellie. If Mabel knew nothing, she would be safe.
“If she ever wants to visit, your sister would be most welcome. Once our family is firmly established, perhaps we can go see her.”
Tears filled Nellie’s eyes. It seemed like such a small gesture, yet Luke’s willingness to include her family was almost a dream come true. Ernest had discouraged Nellie from spending much time with her sister. Even though they lived in nearby neighborhoods in St. Louis, Ernest always found excuses for the families not to get together. Granted, Mabel lived on a farm at the edge of town, but it was an easy ride and not too difficult a walk to the neighborhood where Nellie had lived.
Once again, Luke gave Nellie a tender look. “I know how hard it is to be so far from family. Even worse when your family does not understand your choices. Neither of our families approved when Diana and I chose to move West. But it was