Twenty years later, Jane passed away and left unequal portions of her wealth to each child. The two kids who were not involved in the business received assets and cash of a hundred million dollars each. The child working in the business received far less in dollars than the other two by half, but inherited Jane's shares of 50% ownership in the business. At the time, the two receiving cash were very happy and had no interest in the business at all. All three felt the division of assets was reasonable and fair. The other sibling worked hard to build up the business and succeed Fred as his days actively involved in the business were drawing to a close.
After another 10 years, the kids who got money had spent an overwhelming amount of their inheritance and battled personal relationship issues and substance abuse. When the money was running low, the other two siblings saw how successful the business had become and felt they were shortchanged on their mom's estate settlement. This kicked off a series of lawsuits and resentment among the siblings. The one sibling was deeply hurt and angered that the hard work and dedication he had contributed to grow the organization was believed to be “owed” to the other two siblings who “partied away their money.” The two siblings co-opted Fred, who had become severely afflicted with dementia, and ganged up against the single sibling who was now controlling and running the organization. Finally, to save any remnants of their family, and to help reconcile while Fred was still alive, the one sibling agreed to sell the company and settle. Unfortunately, they began fighting about the valuation and at what price to sell the business.
Fred passed away years ago, and his 50% of the business was divided among the children, who are now in their 60s and 70s. However, the three siblings are still embroiled in ongoing lawsuits. The one sibling still has a controlling interest in the business and runs the organization very successfully. The kids have now been fighting in the courts for over 15 years, and their families never speak. They have been fighting for so long and their bitterness is so deep, it's doubtful they can even remember what exactly they are fighting about. All three families should be set for life each with hundreds of millions of dollars. However, instead of enjoying their wealth and the time they have left, they waste time and money fighting over a few million here or there.
Fred and Jane's children had children of their own, all of whom were exposed to exceptional levels of wealth growing up. The family had many private jets, anything the children wanted they got, and their children's weddings were like royal affairs. Fred and Jane's children provided everything for their kids, so they never wanted or felt deprived. New York townhomes, Hollywood apartments, sports cars, and a healthy allowance were all lavishly provided to them. Almost all of Fred and Jane's grandchildren have subsequently struggled with failed relationships and substance abuse as well. Very soon they will have children of their own. How do you think their life stories will unfold?
This story is not that unusual for situations like these. Do you think the Allens were happier when they were middle class or super wealthy? Do you think that having more money will really make life better and make your family happier? Research would beg to differ. Studies consistently show that above middle class, there is no significant correlation between money and happiness.
PARENTS KNOW BEST?
When we are young, we see our parents as people who always know the answers. That's probably why as soon as we can think independently, around the ages of 4–5, we start asking a lot of questions. Parents try to answer these questions in a way that a young mind can comprehend and in a way that is likely to end the barrage of questions. However, when it comes to learning lessons about money, our parents' answers to these questions get written into a money blueprint. Even worse, a passing comment about money in the kitchen or at the dinner table can have a lasting effect. For example, a common phrase used by parents in response to a child's request for something is “No, we can't afford that.” Think for a moment about how a young mind might interpret that. The message could be interpreted as “we don't have enough money” or “there isn't enough money.” These Money Scripts® can lead to an entire life designed around making sure there is always enough money through an obsession around work. It could lead to someone feeling deprived and a propensity for overspending in adulthood to avoid the feeling of deprivation. It could also lead to a sense of learned helplessness; the logic being that since there isn't enough money, why bother trying to save or get ahead?
Innocent answers and simple reasoning can become the basis for our financial decision-making well into adulthood. Since money is not talked about overtly in many families, these simple misunderstandings or misinterpretation can often go unexamined. Probably not the best way to base sound financial decision-making for generations. Our parents' money beliefs and behaviors are, of course, shaped by their parents and so on. These Money Scripts® get handed down generationally, influenced and shaped by the financial experiences of each generation. These flashpoints leave their mark and can change the path of family Money Scripts®.
THE 2008 HOUSING CRISIS
An example of a recent shared financial flashpoint was how many parents struggled to make ends meet in the wake of the 2008 housing crisis. Many parents probably exposed their children to new beliefs about banks, the stock market, and home ownership. In fact, studies have shown that Millennials are less likely to desire or seek home ownership and are less trustful of the stock market compared to previous generations.2 The reasons given were not student debt levels, as some would have thought, but rather a belief that home ownership was not a reliable way to build wealth. However, for the previous two generations, equity built through home ownership was a major source of wealth creation. At the time of this book's writing, home ownership is at or near all-time high, and property values in most markets have recovered to near pre-2008 levels or higher. Additionally, all three major stock market indexes are at or near record high levels and more than recovered from pre-2008 levels.
The lesson here is that you must accept the fact that your parents may not know best when it comes to money management and money relationships. Don't be too hard on them; they were only doing what they had learned. Some of you have already recognized that fact as you got older. Are you able to recognize your parents' money beliefs and behaviors that you share?
As parents, many of us struggle with how much we should expose to our children. On one hand, we want them to respect a hard day's work and the value of a well-earned dollar. On the other hand, we don't want them to worry about money and spoil their childhood innocence. However, good money lessons are important to learn and establish. Kids are bombarded through social media and living in a highly materialistic society to consume and assimilate into society. Debt is advertised on TV and everything seems to be connected to money. Wealth, success, fame, and celebrity are front and center in our culture, and our kids see it everywhere. Parents have a near impossible task to educate their kids about money and good financial savings habits versus societal and peer pressures. What makes it even harder is most parents don't have it all figured out either. The advice you received may have been flawed or inaccurate. It's okay to still love your parents and ignore their money and money relationship advice. Sometimes you need to be okay with that idea for you to move ahead and rewrite those incorrect beliefs.
In the next chapter, we explore in greater detail how to help children develop a healthy money mindset. Remember, nobody is born knowing and understanding everything they need to know about money and proper financial management. Healthy money mindsets must be learned. If the money mindsets handed down from your parents need some correcting, it's time