Since Money Scripts® are so integral to our financial outcomes, it makes sense to know as much as we can about them. We dedicate Chapter 9 to understanding and assessing your Money Scripts®. For now, we are going to explore what roles your parents played in shaping your money beliefs.
Essentially, it could be fair to blame your financial problems, and possibly your relationship problems, on your parents. Most likely your financial beliefs and behaviors have sprung directly from your experiences in your childhood. Of course, you are ultimately responsible for your behaviors, but the fact is, your financial behaviors are rooted in your Money Scripts®. Research on Money Scripts® and their influence on financial outcomes is one of the fastest-growing areas of research in financial psychology. Financial professionals realize that understanding financial behavior is the future of helping clients with their financial needs.
BECOME YOUR OWN ANTHROPOLOGIST
Anthropology is the study of human societies and cultures and is a fascinating field. In studying a culture, anthropologists often immerse themselves into the culture, spending months or years living among the inhabitants. There, they both participate in the culture and observe the inhabitants, looking for insights into people's behavior from a cultural perspective.
Since you probably can't afford to hire an anthropologist to live with your family for a year to study you, you need to do your own research. This is where interviewing your parents, siblings, and other family members can be so valuable. In this process, it is not uncommon to discover stories you have never heard. Sometimes these stories shed light on your parents' behaviors around money. Take the opportunity to interview your family members, asking some of the following questions:
What was it like for you growing up around money?
How was money handled by your parents?
What was it like for grandparents growing up?
How did you feel about your socioeconomic status?
What beliefs about money were passed down to you?
What were your biggest financial mistakes? Successes?
Do you have any memories that stand out?
Often, these prompts will start an extended dialogue about their money memories. This is a good opportunity for you to listen. Take the time to let them share their memories and experiences around money. You might want to record the conversation and/or take notes. After your interviews, take some time to see if you can see any patterns. Did you notice any recurring themes? What beliefs did they have about money? Did you notice any differences between the childhood experiences of your parents? How did this impact their relationship with money? Do you recognize any of these beliefs passed down to you? How did their upbringing impact the development of your relationship with money?
This type of study can be quite valuable and will give you tremendous insight into your own psychology of money. You might begin to better understand why your parents raised you the way they did. Your parents are as much a product of their parents and early environment as you are a product of yours. Keep in mind that your children are the next in line to inherit this family financial legacy. The great news is that it is not too late to make “edits” to your family legacy.
WHEN MONEY HELPS
Having disposable income and using it to help friends and family can be a wonderful resource. Money can be used to help in times of opportunity, transition, or need. Financial support can be used to help loved ones with a down payment for a first home, education, weddings, moving expenses, or starting a business. Having parents or other family members there to help can provide a deep sense of safety, security, and confidence, even if the help is never asked for or received. As a parent who is able to help financially, the opportunity to help can provide a tremendous feeling of importance, dependence, and connection to an older child or grandchild's life. We all know that early on in our lives, we have built very little financial savings, wealth, or independence. Having a parent there to give us a leg up with life's initial financial challenges can be a real benefit. Whether this help comes in the form of a gift or a loan, having support helps satisfy that deep, tribal need we have for connection.
WHEN MONEY HURTS
But not all financial help is good. There are many circumstances in which financial help, or the promise of financial help, can hurt. For example, there are times when financial support enables a pattern of irresponsible financial behaviors, encouraging bad spending habits, a lack of saving, a lack of motivation, or other self-destructive behaviors. In our research, we refer to this as financial enabling and financial dependence, which is discussed in detail in Chapter 3.
Sometimes money is used within family systems to hurt or control. Sometimes the power money can have to create a connection in the lives of those close to us becomes so important that we use money to enable those feelings. This can lead to a pattern of financial enmeshment.
FINANCIAL ENMESHMENT
Financial enmeshment is a blurring of boundaries among family members around money. Our research has found that financial enmeshment occurs more commonly with higher income males,1 but it can afflict anyone. One example of financial enmeshment is when parents give children too much financial information or involve them inappropriately in adult financial matters. Common examples include:
Using children to pass along financial information between divorced parents (e.g., “Please tell your mother to pay me the $100 she owes me”).
Sharing your financial stress with a child (e.g., “I don't know how we are going to pay rent this month”).
Having children answer the phone when creditors call.
Talking poorly about a child's parents around money (e.g., “You can't have braces because your father won't pay child support”).
Involving children in adult financial matters can have a negative impact on their own relationship with money. While some children may feel a sense of importance that they are being involved in adult matters, they are not psychologically able to cope with and process the information. As such, the experience often leaves them feeling anxious and insecure. It is very important to talk to your children about money, but it is not okay to share too much financial information with them. A great litmus test on what is “too much” is to ask yourself this question: “Am I feeling negative emotions around this issue (e.g., scared, guilty, or anger)?” If so, you are best not to share it. A better idea is for you to share those concerns with another adult, possibly even a professional. There is no shame in having financial stress or concerns, but you need to be careful not to burden children with your issues, as it can hurt them.
A FAMILY STORY OF FINANCIAL DESTRUCTION
The Allen family came from humble financial beginnings. Fred, the father and sole breadwinner, was a science professor at the local university. The family had to stretch Fred's meager salary across the entire family, which consisted of his wife, Jane, their two daughters, and one son. As with many fathers of his generation, Fred was not very close with his children. He was a bit of a mad scientist type who was always working on some ideas in his office or in his home laboratory. The Allen family lived a typical lower middle-class existence throughout the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s.
Then