CHAPTER NINE
BEFORE you can go forward, you have to go back.
In a dangerous mood, Nathaniel floored the accelerator of his Ferrari and shot down the long drive that led to Wolfe Manor.
He’d swum with sharks, leaped from moving vehicles, skydived and climbed vertical cliffs but none of those activities had left him shaking the way he was shaking now. Fear, he thought. It lodged itself in his chest and gripped him by the throat.
What if, by going back, he was unable to move forward?
Centuries before, his ancestors had carefully planted an avenue of horse chestnut trees and they added an air of grandeur which was abruptly shattered as the main house came into view.
In a state of crumbling disrepair, Wolfe Manor stood like an ancient aristocrat struggling to maintain dignity in the face of advancing years and little maintenance.
Nathaniel killed the engine and sat for a moment, his fingers drumming a rhythm on the steering wheel.
What was he doing here? How did torturing himself with the past help solve the issues in his present?
Swearing under his breath, he sprang from the car and prowled through the tangled, long-neglected gardens. After the warmth of California, the bite of a British winter was particularly brutal and he turned up the collar of his jacket and blew clouds in the freezing air.
Afterwards, he realised that it had always been his intention to walk to the lake—to confront that part of his past—but now, as his feet moved, he felt as if he were being drawn there against his will.
He kicked his way through grass that was untended and overgrown. It brushed against his knees and wrapped itself around his ankles, impeding every step, as if warning him about the danger.
And then there it was.
Bulrushes clustered at the edge of the water, tall and straight as sentries as they guarded the dark, sinister pool that had dominated his childhood. It had begun here, he thought, and it had almost ended here, in the depths of the lake.
‘You sank like a stone.’
His mind still trapped in another place, Nathaniel turned sharply to find Jacob watching him. Apart from that brief glimpse at the theatre, it had been almost twenty years since they’d laid eyes on each other and both had spent that time running. Isolating themselves from their past.
Nathaniel felt the anger rush down on him, vivid and scorching hot. The full force of twenty years of simmering resentment and pain powered the fist he slammed into Jacob’s jaw. Pain exploded through his hand and Jacob staggered. But he didn’t retaliate.
Nathaniel was shocked by how badly he wanted him to. As if a good earthy physical pounding might right all the wrongs.
Deep down he felt sick with himself because he knew the person he wanted to lay out cold had been dead for twenty years.
He stepped back. Let his hands fall. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’
Jacob touched his fingers to his jaw, checking for damage. ‘I thought it was time.’
‘Why? Because we’ve all grown up?’ Nathaniel heard the bitterness in his tone. ‘We did it without you.’
There was a long silence, broken only by the ghostly howl of the bitter wind. ‘Don’t you ever pick up your phone?’
‘Only when the caller is someone I want to speak to.’
‘You have every right to be angry. I’m sorry about what happened at the theatre. I should have warned you I was coming.’
‘Why did you come?’
‘I wanted to see you.’
‘Well, now you’ve seen me so you can leave.’ His emotions in turmoil, Nathaniel turned to walk away but Jacob caught his arm.
‘I’m not leaving. I’m here to stay.’
Nathaniel stood still, staring down at the hand that held his arm. Those hands had hauled him out of the lake and saved his life. Those hands had been responsible for the death of his father. Katie’s words rang in his head. He’s trying to make amends—you need to stop running.
Nathaniel scanned the rigid, forbidding lines of his half-brother’s face and saw the same shadows that darkened his own life. And more. He saw pain and self-recrimination. Guilt and self-loathing. ‘You look wrecked.’
‘Thanks.’ Jacob’s laugh was devoid of humour. ‘You look pretty rough yourself for a guy who’s supposed to be the sexiest man on earth. Makes me wonder what the others look like.’
Despite the anger, Nathaniel’s mouth curved into a reluctant smile. ‘Ugly.’
‘Too much post-Sapphire partying?’
Nathaniel didn’t mention the fact that he’d skipped all the Sapphire parties to go after Katie. By the time he’d extracted himself from the hundreds of well-wishers and press, he’d arrived home to find the villa empty. She’d gone. Without telling him her news.
The emptiness in the pit of his stomach was something he’d never experienced before. This is what he did, wasn’t it? He lived his life alone. He kept people at a distance.
If you don’t care, you don’t have anything to lose.
Jacob took a few steps forward, his eyes on the lake. ‘What brought you back here?’
‘Honestly? A woman accused me of being a coward so I thought I’d better just test the theory.’ He blew clouds in the freezing air and Jacob gave a wry smile.
‘You used to do that all the time when you were a kid. You pretended to be a dragon breathing fire. You were always entertaining us, pretending to be something. For you, it was a way out.’
‘We did what we had to. You took up rugby to hide the bruises.’
Jacob’s eyes were shadowed. ‘Have you found a way to balance the make-believe with reality?’
Reality? Reality was what he’d shared with Katie.
And he’d walked away from it. Nathaniel stared at the glassy surface of the lake. No monsters, he thought. No ghosts. Just a dank, dark pool of water. ‘I gave Carrie my Sapphire.’
‘I heard your speech. Did she make the connection?’
Nathaniel was silent for a moment. ‘I think she did. For a short time anyway. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.’
Jacob hesitated and then closed a hand over his shoulder. ‘It was so hard for you and Sebastian.’
‘Harder for Sebastian—she didn’t even acknowledge his existence.’
‘Whatever William may have told you, your mother loved you. When she took you into the water that night, she believed she was protecting you from our father. She was ill ….’
Nathaniel stood rigid and unresponsive. It was the first time a member of his family had touched him since the night Jacob had walked out years before.
‘Why didn’t you hit me back?’
‘Just now?’ Jacob gave a crooked smile. ‘Because I deserved it. Don’t worry, I’m only allowing you the one. I thought you were going to leap off stage and punch me that night at the theatre.’
‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw you in the front row.’
‘I wanted to see you. I should have let you know I was coming, but I suppose I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me. I was cowardly.’
‘Seems we’ve all been guilty of that.’
‘I left you all—’ Jacob’s voice was raw