He should’ve known it would take more than time and distance to truly escape the man’s clutches.
When Lucas had received the call about his father’s passing, he’d been forced to think about the man he’d been and had instantly been transported to a time he’d done his best to forget. Now, every time he closed his eyes he was overwhelmed by memories he’d tried to suppress, until even his waking moments were dominated by dark thoughts and a need to escape them.
Freya was the only one saving him from total despair but he was drowning in his own misery and now, more than ever, she was drifting just out of reach as she fussed around, trying to make his house the home he’d never had.
Her talk of babies and family was only natural when he’d never spoken out against it but these past days had reminded him it was an impossible ask. Whilst his mind raged with the fear and injustice of his youth, he could never be the husband, or potential father, Freya assumed she’d married.
By the time he’d changed and come back downstairs she was plating up an early Christmas dinner for him to sample, but as much as he wanted to play along with this game of make-believe, the level of effort she’d gone to to try to please him only served to remind him of everything he’d missed out on. He could no longer force himself to fit into this kind of cosy Christmas scene since his father had managed to crash in and destroy the illusion. It was too late for him to find any enjoyment in it now. At this moment he didn’t think he’d find joy in anything ever again.
‘I thought we could each open an early present from under the tree. We always used to have a Christmas Eve present at home. Usually pyjamas.’ Freya sat down at the opposite end of the dinner table still bubbling with excitement as though she expected Father Christmas to drop down the chimney any second. He’d never had any such delusions as a child or a grown-up.
‘Sounds good.’ If he’d known that was a thing he would’ve done a little more retail preparation to make her happy but this was all new to him. He’d never given much thought to gift giving other than a token gesture but the pile of presents she’d assembled beneath the tree would rival any window display on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile.
‘I know we’d planned a quiet day, but I thought maybe, if it’s okay with you, we could drive over to my mum and dad’s after lunch tomorrow. We’ve hardly seen them since the wedding.’
‘I thought we were supposed to be spending it on our own?’ Lucas’s knife and fork clattered to the floor along with his stomach, the last of his appetite quickly disappearing. The last thing he wanted to do was spend the day with her seemingly perfect family when he’d just buried the only sorry excuse for a parent he’d ever had.
‘I know. I just thought it might be nice to see them and break up the day a little...’
In that second he could see the disappointment in her big brown eyes that he wasn’t enough to make her happy. Christmas was a symbol of everything that was important to her—family. The one thing he’d learned to live without but which was everything to her.
Freya loved being with her parents, couldn’t wait to be one herself, and he didn’t want to be that dark shadow hanging over either her life or their child’s, at any time of the year. What if he turned out like his father, unable to show any emotion other than hate? He was already on that path, distancing himself from his wife’s love in the present to focus on the bitterness of his past. She deserved better than a man who wasn’t strong enough to separate himself from a frightened little boy intimidated by his father.
Lucas rose from the table with a quiet acceptance he was no longer the man she’d agreed to marry and spend the rest of her life with, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Their love might be physically keeping them together but it would ultimately tear them apart inside, forcing this relationship to work when they both wanted, needed, such different things.
‘I’m sorry, Freya. I can’t do this any more.’ The words were ripped from his aching heart, leaving a hole in his chest he knew would never heal.
He couldn’t be responsible for anyone else’s life when he wasn’t sure he wanted his own any more. It was getting too damn difficult to imagine a time when he would no longer be in pain and he didn’t want the same for Freya or the child she expected them to raise in this mess.
This was the only way to save them both, even though it might seem like intolerable cruelty tonight. It was painful now but hopefully, with time, Freya would realise it was the right thing for him to do. She was young and idealistic, with the kind of open heart that would help her find love again, where his had been flawed from the start. He’d never been able to fully give himself to her or the relationship when he’d been holding back the truth about his parentage.
‘Lucas? I’m sorry... We don’t have to go if you don’t want to... Lucas?’
He got as far as the door before he heard her quickening footsteps behind him in the hallway but he daren’t look back. His knees were already weak, his chest so unbearably tight that he couldn’t even trust himself to speak without collapsing to the floor.
Leaving was the best present he could think of to give her. She could still have all those things she wanted, just with someone else. He’d be a lost cause for ever when he was walking away from the best thing that would ever happen to him but he should never have expected to have everything he’d ever wanted.
His father had been right all along. He was a useless waste of space.
Ten months later
FREYA ADJUSTED THE jingle bells on her hat, straightened her elf ears and pulled up her stripy stockings. Christmas was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and she was determined to make sure of it for the kids of Princes Street Children’s Hospital. It didn’t matter a jot it was only October when they were on their way to Lapland to see the beloved man in the red suit. While she was there she’d make sure to remind him he owed her big style for last year.
‘Feeling Christmassy yet?’ Gillian, her nursing colleague from the emergency department and fellow elf for the weekend, came to join her at the front of the plane to welcome on board the excited children and volunteers along with the flight staff.
‘I’m doing my best.’ It was difficult to get into the spirit since everything she’d once loved about this time of year now reminded her of her husband walking out of their marriage and the worst period of her life. However, this wasn’t about her, so she plastered on the jolliest smile she could muster and handed out candy canes with a ‘Merry Christmas!’ to the special group of sick children the hospital had chosen for the charity trip.
‘Well, you certainly look the part.’ Gillian gave a little wolf whistle that had Freya tugging on the furry white hem of her green velvet dress.
‘I knew it was too short. That’s what happens when you’re forced to shop in the kids’ department.’ Everything in the costume store had swamped her petite frame but she guessed her height was the reason she’d been chosen to be one of Santa’s helpers in the first place. Well, that and her extensive nursing experience, which made her a vital part of this group.
Without a very skilled medical team these poorly children would never get to leave Edinburgh. Such was the seriousness of some of their conditions there were a few of them who rarely left the hospital. That was why this trip was so magical, so important to the families and to her when she saw many of them time and time again in the emergency department. She would simply have to set aside her own heartache and loneliness around the season to make this memorable for everyone.
‘You look gorgeous. With any luck you might even catch the eye of a reindeer herder over here and decide not to come back.’
Freya was forced to bite her lip until the young passengers were out of earshot.