One day he’d have the money to buy her out and then his last tie to Erin would be severed.
Dylan held the door open wider. “She’s in the kitchen.”
Leaving the door open, Dylan ran in the direction of the other room. Though the outside of the house wasn’t yet decorated, stepping inside was like entering a Christmas nightmare. Erin and her sisters had always loved the holiday and, when they’d been married, her need to decorate to the hilt had been one of their common disagreements. He hated the commercialism and constant need for more, and she bought every sparkly Christmas item she set her eyes on. She used to want to start decorating as early as possible, but he’d always made her wait until after Thanksgiving.
How early had she started this year? He shook his head. None of his business.
Erin appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on a towel. Her dark hair was up in a ponytail with random hairs that spilled out all over in the crazy way they did when she was working hard on a project. He shouldn’t care about her appearance or how life had been treating her over the past two years. And yet he couldn’t help thinking about how good she looked. Happy. Healthy.
Part of him was happy for her. But another part of him wanted to scream at her and ask how she could be doing so well after everything that had happened.
“Lance. What brings you here? Have you finally decided to sell the house?”
“No. But I do need to talk to you about something else. Can we go somewhere private to talk?”
Erin looked around for a moment then shook her head. “I’m afraid not. Leah and Nicole are both on their honeymoons, so I’m taking care of the boys until they get back.”
Lance stared at her for a moment. Leah and Nicole on honeymoons?
“Didn’t Leah’s husband and Nicole’s fiancé just die?”
Erin shrugged. “It’s been more than two years since Leah’s husband died, and it’s coming up on two years since Nicole’s fiancé died. I’d like to think that they’ve earned their chance to be happy. They’re both very good men, and the double wedding ceremony was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Maybe some people think two years is too soon, but when the heart finds what it’s looking for, why make it wait longer?”
The longing in her voice was like a knife to his stomach. “Does that mean you’ve moved on, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “Please don’t tell me you came all this way to ask about my dating life. It’s none of your business. But if you must know, I haven’t given up on the idea of falling in love again and having a family.”
Having a family? How could she think about that now?
“What about...?” He left a long pause. He hadn’t spoken their daughter’s name in months and barely at all over the past couple of years. Not since she’d died. Even now just thinking about her put his stomach in knots.
“It doesn’t make me love Lily any less,” she said, emphasizing Lily’s name, like she knew how much it still hurt him to hear it. That was why they could never go back, why he hadn’t fought Erin on the divorce. They hadn’t seen eye to eye on how to move forward after the tragedy and this, the first conversation they’d had about it in two years, only made it more obvious.
Erin gave him a gentle smile. “Her death was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, but her life was the best. You can’t have life without death, and it’s worth the pain of death to enjoy the beauty of life.”
That was why he’d never been able to talk to her about any of it. Losing their daughter had hurt so much that all he’d wanted to do was to yell and scream or punch something. But she would just go on with her ridiculous notions about thinking positive and those weird Bible verses about hope. Hope wouldn’t bring their daughter back. He supposed that was the only way Erin could deal with the pain, considering it was her fault their daughter had died.
Erin stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Is that why you’re here? To fight with me over the past, because somehow fighting keeps it, and Lily, alive?”
Her touch burned his arm, but much as he wanted to shove her away and tell her she didn’t understand, it also felt so good that he wanted to stay like this forever. That was the trouble with sorting out his feelings over their daughter’s death and their failed marriage. He hated Erin on so many levels, but somehow he couldn’t stop loving her.
When he didn’t answer, she continued. “I know you’re struggling with moving on. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t like the therapist we went to, but maybe you should consider talking to someone else. It’s not healthy for you to still be so stuck in the past.”
He stepped away. If one more person said that to him, he would... Well, he didn’t know what he would do, but it was like an explosion building up inside him, only there wasn’t any place for it to go.
“I am seeing a therapist,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. I’m supposed to talk to you and make peace with what happened between us.”
That wasn’t all of it, but for now it would have to be enough. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what making peace meant. His counselor said that it was different for everyone, but Lance had to find a way to make the feelings of agony inside his stomach go away and for him to stop talking of Erin and their past with such bitterness. One more thing he didn’t know how to accomplish, but the counselor had suggested that talking to Erin might give him a path to figuring it out.
He wasn’t sure how much he was going to tell her yet, though. His business partner, Chad Maxwell, was threatening to force him out if he didn’t get a counselor to sign off on his mental health. According to Chad, Lance’s grief was keeping him from adequately performing his duties in helping him run the outdoor gear company they’d built together from the ground up.
Erin hated the company, and hated Chad even more. She had no idea what either of them meant to Lance, which had been a huge source of conflict in their marriage. So to tell her that he needed this to keep Chad from forcing him out would probably only give her more reason to show him the door.
She gave a casual shrug as if none of it mattered. “I’m at peace with you. I’ve got nothing against you, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time moving forward, but I don’t know what that has to do with me.”
Before he could answer, a little boy came running into the room. “Auntie Erin! I finished painting my snowman!”
As it dawned on him who the boy was, all the air rushed out of Lance’s lungs. Ryan. The little boy was just a few months younger than their daughter had been. He was four now, and Lily...eternally two. Ryan had once been a fixture in their home, and even though the kids had been young, they’d been close. Lance had once loved the little boy like his own. This pain was deeper than what he’d felt at seeing Dylan.
“Who is that?” Ryan asked.
It did not seem right that Ryan didn’t remember him.
“This is Lance and he’s...” Erin didn’t finish her sentence, like she didn’t how to explain their relationship to the little boy.
Dylan joined them. “That’s Uncle Lance.”
Ryan looked confused. “How do we have an uncle Lance? Aunt Nicole is married to Uncle Nando, so did you get married, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s not my husband anymore.”
Obviously they didn’t spend much time rehashing family history. Did Erin think of him at all? Of their daughter? She’d moved on and built this happy little life without them.
“Why not?” Ryan’s innocent question