No, the truth included a myriad of things that she didn’t want to think about, let alone tell him.
‘It made sense,’ she said instead. ‘Since, as we discussed over the phone, the wedding will be here, planning it on Kirtida was the logical decision.’
‘And you always make logical decisions?’
‘Does marrying a man I barely know sound logical?’
He smiled a slow, crooked smile that made him look even more dangerous. ‘Reasonable, then.’
‘It’s not reasonable either. Not for a normal person, anyway. But we’re not normal and so, in that sense, this is both logical and reasonable.’ She paused. ‘I also know your people have responded positively to the news of our engagement. So, if I’m here and they see their future Queen plan a wedding with their King, it could strengthen their support of this marriage.’
There was an uneasy silence after her words, and she frowned. ‘You don’t agree with me?’
‘So you told your family this and they agreed to let you come here?’ he asked, not answering her question.
The uneasiness began to swirl in her chest.
‘You’re wondering whether my brother sent me,’ she replied, ignoring the feeling. ‘He didn’t. He wasn’t entirely happy with this decision.’
‘Because he worried that I would find out why you were really here?’
Because he still sees me as an irresponsible teenager.
‘Why would he worry that you’d find out I wanted to know if we could trust you? There’s a reason you figured it out so quickly, Zacchaeus. It wasn’t meant to be some great secret.’
‘Why didn’t he want you to come then?’
‘Probably because he wouldn’t be able to protect me.’ She nearly rolled her eyes.
‘He thought you needed to be protected? From me?’ Unhappiness flashed across his face.
‘Do you blame him? You forced him to choose between protecting his baby sister and protecting his kingdom.’
‘But he chose his kingdom.’
‘No, I chose our kingdom.’ She watched him carefully, and wondered at the emotion she couldn’t quite read on his face. ‘Xavier didn’t want me to do this. Not as a king, but as a brother. He didn’t want to have his sister marry a man he wasn’t sure he could trust. So when I told him I would come here, plan the wedding and see whether we could trust you, he didn’t like it, but he understood.’ And because it seemed as if he needed to hear it, she repeated, ‘This was my choice, Zacchaeus.’
‘Why? Why would you choose to marry a man you barely know?’
She frowned at the rush of answers that came to mind, none of which was appropriate to tell him. ‘You didn’t really give us a choice. Your actions over the past few months have shown us exactly what you’re capable of. So when I said I chose this, I just meant that it wasn’t Xavier who did. There is no real choice when it comes to protecting our kingdoms, is there?’
She watched a stony expression settle on his face and felt her frown deepen. He looked so unhappy at everything she’d just said. As though it was news to him. As though he wasn’t the one who’d started—forced—it all.
‘You’re right, there isn’t,’ he answered her quietly. ‘Which is why we’re in this situation in the first place.’
‘Because Macoa threatened Kirtida with sanctions?’
He nodded. She waited for an explanation to follow—any explanation, really, as to why an ally of Kirtida and the alliance had suddenly made threats after years of working together peacefully.
‘Why?’ she asked when he didn’t continue. ‘I mean, I know that’s why you want the alliance’s Protection clause updated before we get married. Before you sign to reaffirm the alliance between our kingdoms. You want protection against international allies like Macoa to be included in the agreement too. But why do you need that protection? Since—’ she hesitated, and then forced herself to say it ‘—since I’m going to be your wife, I’d like to know.’
‘It’s complicated,’ he said simply. Darkly.
‘I’m going to be Queen to your people, Zacchaeus. Don’t you think that’s enough to share details about complicated matters with me?’
‘You’re not Queen yet,’ he replied. ‘And when you are I’ll tell you what you need to know.’
‘What you think I need to know, maybe.’ She clenched her jaw and then forced herself to relax. ‘The least you could do is tell me why I’m here.’
‘You know why you’re here, Nalini.’ His eyes were sombre. ‘Without our marriage, there’s no guarantee that Kirtida’s place in the alliance won’t be undermined by Leyna and Xavier’s marriage. By the bond that that will create between Mattan and Aidara.’
‘I’d like to know the real reason. The one that had you calling us after you found out Kirtida might not be protected as well as Mattan and Aidara were if Leyna and Xavier married.’
Again, silence followed her words. This time she couldn’t help the muscles that tightened in her shoulders.
‘There’s still no guarantee, you know,’ she reminded him. ‘There won’t be until you sign the papers affirming Kirtida’s place in the alliance.’
‘And you know my conditions for doing that. After the negotiations to protect our kingdoms. After our marriage.’ He tilted his head. ‘Are you hoping I’d tell you I’d sign before either are in place?’
‘Of course not.’ But there had been a part of her that had hoped for exactly that.
‘So you’re not looking for a loophole? You haven’t realised that you’ve made a mistake after this conversation with me?’ He leaned forward, making her briefly notice the food they’d otherwise forgotten. ‘You don’t want to return to the safety of Mattan?’
‘I’m safe here,’ she said, her eyes darting towards the door where her Mattanian guards—who would continue protecting her as Queen of Kirtida—stood.
‘That wasn’t what I meant.’
‘I know.’ She fell silent. ‘I think this will work best if you just say what you mean, Zacchaeus, and don’t expect me to guess.’
He nodded and met her gaze. ‘I’m not going to change my mind, Nalini. You’re going to marry me.’
She didn’t look away. Though the trembling that had gone through her heart at his words made her want to, she didn’t. This was her life now. And this life had been her choice.
She thought of the teenage girl who had once been so filled with hope. Who’d thought that taking a chance on a boy would finally bring her the freedom she’d craved. She thought about the girl who’d had that hope dashed so quickly—so heartbreakingly—that she hadn’t wanted to make another decision for herself since.
Until now.
Nalini reminded herself of that. She wasn’t the girl who hoped for love or sought freedom any more. Who rebelled and made stupid mistakes. But that was still how her family saw her. The mistake she’d made when she was a teen had completely changed their view of her. More importantly, it had changed her view of herself.
When she’d told Xavier she would