Nathan frowned a little. “We don’t have to hold the ceremony at the ranch, but I thought it’d be easier. Terri will help you set everything up. I’ll help when I can, but I’m still looking for Alex and—”
He had it all worked out. And with every word he spoke, her heart sank a little bit more. The buzz of excitement and joy she’d felt earlier was quickly being swamped by feelings of disappointment and, okay, yes, irritation. She couldn’t believe this. Although, it was so typical of Nathan, she really should have expected it. Seven years ago, he’d done the same and she’d allowed it because she had wanted him badly enough to hope that one day he might tell her he loved her. Now, though, she wouldn’t settle. Slipping out of his arms, she took a step away from him, folded her arms over her chest and stared at the man who had held her heart since she was a kid.
How could she be so dispirited and so in love with him at the same time? Had to be a sort of cosmic joke on her that the one man who could drive her to distraction was the only man she’d ever wanted.
“So you’ve got everything figured out, have you?” Amanda asked, her voice soft and cool.
“Not completely,” he admitted. “But between the two of us it shouldn’t take long.”
“You’re right about that,” Amanda said, shaking her head as she looked up at him. “Won’t take long at all, since I’m not going to marry you.”
“Of course we’re getting married.”
“Nothing’s changed, has it?” she asked, not really expecting a response. “Seven years ago, you decided we’d get married and I went along.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued quickly. “But I’m not a kid anymore, Nathan. I make my own choices. My own decisions. I won’t let you push me into a marriage you don’t really want.”
“What’re you talking about?” He looked as astonished as he sounded.
“What I’m saying is, this is just like before. You’re offering marriage because I’m pregnant. Because it’s the right thing to do.” She turned abruptly and walked away from him, into the living room. He was right behind her.
The huge room boasted views of the ranch from every window. Across the drive, the main ranch house was brilliantly lit and Amanda knew that inside, Terri and her family were cozy and happy. Envy curled inside her and twisted around her heart like tangled ribbons. She’d like that for herself. For her child. But she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes she’d made seven years ago. She wouldn’t be a duty. She wouldn’t be a problem that Nathan felt honor bound to clean up.
“It’s the right thing to do because we belong together,” Nathan argued.
“Do we?” She didn’t know anymore. She’d always believed it, but she’d been shot down before and now, if she went along with Nathan’s plan she’d only be setting herself up for a possible repeat of history.
“I think we should talk this through,” he said.
She shook her head, never taking her gaze from the scene sprawling outside the window. She would miss it here, but it was definitely time to leave. Glancing over her shoulder at him, she said, “I don’t think so, Nathan.”
He was looking at her as if she’d sprouted another head. She could almost smile about that. Nathan was so used to being obeyed, he didn’t know what to do when someone simply said no.
So she took a breath and tried to explain. “Nathan, I know this is just instinct to you. To do the right thing. The honorable thing.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Of course it’s not bad,” she countered, and gave him a sad smile. “But it’s no reason to get married. I went along with your demands last time because, frankly, I was too scared to have a baby on my own. But I’ve changed, Nathan. And I’m not going to be just another duty to a man with too much honor. I want to be loved Nathan, or I’m not going to get married at all.”
He threw up his hands. “But I do love you.”
Pain sliced at her. If he’d led with that, maybe things would be different right now. But he hadn’t mentioned anything about love until he absolutely had to, so how could she trust it? How could she believe anything but that Nathan would use whatever he had to to win.
“I wish I could believe that,” she said after a long moment. “I really do.”
“Why the hell can’t you?” he argued. “Is it so impossible to believe?”
“Yeah, it is,” she said and moved farther away. God, she couldn’t stay here. Couldn’t be this close to him, knowing that she couldn’t have him. She needed to be home. Back in the tiny, hot box of an apartment over the diner. She needed to think.
“Amanda,” he said, stepping closer, keeping his gaze locked with hers. “You can believe me. I do love you.”
“No, you don’t,” she said, shaking her head as she backed up toward the chair where she’d dropped her purse earlier. “You just want me to fall in line and you know this is the way to manage it. No. It’s just a little too convenient, don’t you think? I say I won’t get married without love and boom. Suddenly you love me? I don’t think so.”
“It’s not suddenly,” he argued. “I’ve loved you most of my life.”
That stopped her for a second as his words ricocheted around inside her, tearing at her heart. She wanted to believe, she really did, for both her own sake and the baby’s. But how could she? And if she took a chance—trusted him with her heart—and was wrong…then it wasn’t only she who would pay the price. She had her child to think about now.
“Why is it, then, that you’ve never mentioned it before now, Nathan?” she asked quietly, sadly.
“I don’t know,” he muttered, shoving one hand through his hair.
She picked up her purse and rummaged one hand inside for her car keys. When she found them, she curled her fingers around them and said, “Until you know the answer to that, Nathan, there’s nothing else to talk about. Now, I’m going home.”
“You are home, Amanda.”
That little arrow scored a direct hit on her heart. She had hoped this would be home. Had imagined it. But she couldn’t have what she wanted—without first having what she needed. Amanda needed to be loved by the very man standing there giving her all the right words without the meaning.
“No, I’m really not.” She shook her head and walked past him. He stopped her with a hand on her arm.
“Don’t go.”
She looked down at his hand then shifted her gaze to his eyes. “I have to.”
He released her then and Amanda felt the loss of his touch all the way to her bones. It took everything she had to walk out the door and down the front steps. Before she reached her car, she looked back over her shoulder and Nathan was standing there, in the open doorway, watching her.
“This isn’t over,” he said, his deep voice carrying on the warm summer air.
Amanda knew that all too well. What she felt for Nathan would never be over.
“Anyway,” Pam said later that evening. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry.”
What a day this had been, Amanda thought, staring at her sister in dumbfounded shock. A surprise pregnancy, a surprise proposal and now…a sister who had hated her enough to try and ruin her life. Her heart hurt at the realization that Pam had been behind the rumors that had torn Amanda and Nathan apart so long ago. But a voice in her mind whispered that Nathan shouldn’t have believed those rumors. He should have loved her enough to know they weren’t true.
And he hadn’t.