Watch for signs of separation stress. There are times when toddlers still need to cling, some more than others. On days when your usually fearless explorer won’t leave your side, honour his wishes but try to figure out why he is staying so close. Does he feel ill? Have you been distracted or too busy to attend to him? Has he had more separation than he can handle lately? Refuel his connectedness “tank” with some time together, and he’ll be off on his own again soon.
Have “just being” time. Take time to let your toddler just be with you, on your lap cuddling and talking, if he wants, at various times throughout the day. Says Martha: “First thing in the morning is a favourite time for our Lauren to want this, especially if she’s slept in her own bed that night, or if I got up before her and we miss that snuggle time in bed. If I let her ‘be’ until she calls a halt, she charges herself for a nice long stretch of independent time. It’s not always easy for me to sit still long enough to let this happen, yet I’m always glad when I do.”
Encourage relationships with other significant adults. Grandparents, family friends, a substitute caregiver you use regularly can help your older toddler learn to depend on adults other than his parents. Invite significant others into your child’s life so that as he separates from you he learns that he can depend on a variety of people for help.
Remember, children’s behaviours are more challenging to deal with when they are making the transition from one developmental stage to the next. By easing the transition, you lessen the discipline problems that tag along.
Not only is “the terrible twos” a terrible term, it’s unfair. Though admittedly challenging, the twos (and threes!) are also terrific. The big transformation that takes place in a child’s abilities is in the area of language. The toddler has fairly good receptive language – he understands most of what you say. The child of two can make himself understood much better; expressive language blossoms. This two-way verbal communication makes discipline easier. Language lets the two-year-old use adult resources to his advantage and helps him feel “big”. Of course, there will be frustrating moments when your two-year-old struggles to make himself understood or discovers that he can’t make the world fit all his expectations.
Fitting into family. The two-year-old begins to have an awareness of the balance of power within the family. This little person begins to size up limits, how far he can go with mum, dad, brothers and sisters, and familiar caregivers. He is more in control of his home environment and can make things happen there. He has explored every nook and cranny and has conducted independent research on every room in the house. He sees himself as king of the domain. He claims all for himself. To older sibs, he becomes imperious: “My mummy” (not yours). Two-and-a-half-year-old Lauren summed it up the other day when she spotted some cut flowers Hayden had just received from a boyfriend. She assumed what was obvious to her and blurted out, “Oh, Brandon, is this for me?”
Advance notice. Twos don’t make transitions well. They get so engrossed in their own agenda that they don’t easily conform to someone else’s. When it’s three o’clock and time for your daughter to leave the playgroup, she won’t want to go. Respect this developmentally appropriate quality of engrossment, and give your child advance warning of departure. (For practical departure tips.)
Fixed mind-sets. Twos and threes thrive on rituals and routines. The drive for organization at this stage makes them intolerant of changes that seem trivial by adult standards. If you get into the mind of a growing child and see how it operates, you’ll understand this developmental thinking. In the early years a child stores thousands of patterns of association in the mind. These patterns help the child make sense of the world, but some children greet any variation from the pattern with a protest. For example, when Matthew was three, the jam had to be on top of the peanut butter in the sandwich. That is what he was used to and that was the pattern fixed in his mind. If we forgot and spread the jam first, he fell apart. This did not mean he was being stubborn or unreasonable; the new way just didn’t fit his expectations.
Order in the house. This may not be readily apparent, but twos and threes actually behave better in an orderly environment. A disorderly environment invites disorderly conduct. Young children’s developing nervous systems are searching for organization. Heaps of clothes and toys can bring out a frenzy of flinging in children. Instead of toy boxes, try toy shelves. Low shelves with one-foot-square compartments, each containing one or two treasured toys, are much better than a pile of toys in a big box. This makes it easier to choose something to play with. Too many piled-up toys confuse a child and give the message that care is not needed. Rotate toys frequently to keep interest high.
Besides creating an ordered environment, giving your child a place for her belongings encourages a sense of responsibility. Show your child how to use eye-level pegs or plastic hooks for hanging clothing, and have a special place for shoes. One of the most frustrating moments of a parent’s day is not being able to find a child’s shoes – or worse, finding only one shoe when it’s time to go out. Show your child how always to place shoes together (or when older, tie them together) “so that they will be easy to find in this special shoe place.” Children will be as messy as we let them be, or as neat as we help them to be. Living in a world that is chaotic disturbs children at a stage of their development when they are trying to put order in their lives.
Threes have the mental ability to follow directions, and they retain the memory of familiar places. They can remember where things in the house go, and they begin to realize that each toy has its place. Capitalize on this mental maturity by giving your child credit for knowing this. Instead of “Put the book in the bookshelf”, try “Please put your book where it belongs.”
Social chairman. Your child’s job at this age is to learn social skills, to learn to play cooperatively, and to be sensitive to others’ needs and feelings. Your job as disciplinarian is to set the conditions that allow your child’s social skills to mature. This job description includes seeking out well-matched playmates, refereeing squabbles, and, if necessary, selecting appropriate day care or preschool. Weaning from you as the primary playmate and from playing alone to playing with other children is a mixed blessing. The good news is your child learns developmental skills in the company of other children. The bad news is he may learn behaviours you don’t want him to learn. This is why one of your main jobs as disciplinarian for the two- and three-year-old is to structure the child’s social life to work to her advantage.
Beginning manners. Two- and three-year-olds are ready to learn manners. It helps to understand just how far a child is mentally and emotionally capable of carrying out these social graces at this stage. A true understanding of sharing and politeness is based on the ability to get into other people’s minds and appreciate their viewpoint. This level of understanding seldom clicks in prior to age five. Also, children under five think in particulars, not generalities. You can teach your child to say thank you when grandma gives her a biscuit. But she may say thank you without prompting only when granny gives her a biscuit, not when you do. Around five years of age the child develops the ability to generalize “thank you” and discovers that it is the appropriate response anytime anyone gives her anything. Even so, it is still good to establish the habit of politeness in a child’s growing mind, even if the child is polite mostly for the sake of parental approval and to get what she wants. It is easier for the meaning of manners to take hold in the child’s mind if the custom has already been stored there.
Children learn manners by how mannerly you are toward them. At two-and-a-half, Lauren learned that if she tacked on the word “please” (“pees”) to her request, it got her a very gracious and usually positive response. Twos soon learn which social charms give them a richer life. Expect and model politeness toward adults and toward other