The physical and mental presence of the connected mother during play situations acts as an anxiety regulator, giving the baby the message “It’s OK to explore.” The connected infant has such a rich storage file of mental images of his mother that he is able to take mother with him mentally even when he no longer has a visual connection to her.
When encountering a strange play situation with mother, an infant has to balance the desire to explore a novel situation against the need to remain attached to the familiar caregiver. This is why even secure infants, upon entering a strange situation, initially cling to the mother before beginning to explore. Attachment parenting helps babies develop a balance between clinging and exploring. Infants check in with mother periodically for reassurance while they explore the strange situation. Mother’s presence seems to add energy to the child’s exploration. Since the infant does not need to waste effort worrying about whether mother is there or might leave, he can use all his energy for exploring. In time he will cling less and comfortably explore the environment, increasing his distance from the maternal home base, though checking in from time to time for emotional refuelling. If you watch toddlers in play groups, you’ll notice that they periodically run over to their mother, sit on her lap, and get a reassuring cuddle or even a brief chance to nurse – an emotional pit stop before darting off again to play.
Insecurely attached babies have more difficulty developing this balance. They are likely to spend more time clinging or may withdraw from both mother and the play situation. The late British psychologist Dr John Bowlby, one of the most influential researchers of attachment theory, stated, “A child with no confidence does not trust that his attachment figures will be accessible to him when he needs them. He adopts a clinging strategy to ensure they will be available. He is uncertain of the mother’s availability, and thus is always preoccupied with it; this preoccupation hinders separation and exploration, and therefore his learning.” Attachment parenting acknowledges the developmental principle that an infant must go through a stage of healthy dependence before she can comfortably handle independence. (See related feature “Becoming Interdependent”.)
Some babies are more separation sensitive than others; so one of your discipline goals in the second year is to find out in what situations, how often, and how long baby can comfortably separate from you. Some infants are anxious separating from their mothers because their mothers are anxious about them separating. The healthier the connection between you and your baby the first year, the more willingly your toddler may separate from you between the second and third year.
Every baby has his own separation timetable. Around two years of age our toddlers would usually happily wave “bye-bye” to Martha if I, or a sibling, were with them for connection. By three-and-a-half our “big kids” were happy to be on their own in Sunday school; and by four, they could securely spend the night at a close friend’s house.
Tantrums. Baby’s desire to have it all gives way to the realization he can’t. His desire for bigness and power gives way to the frustration that he is not all-powerful. Tantrum behaviour is a natural by-product of the normal determination that is needed in the development of a healthy self. (See Chapter 5, “Taming Temper Tantrums”, for an understanding of why tantrums occur and how to help your toddler through them.) It’s important not only to structure the toddler’s environment to lessen the need for tantrums, but also to allow and support the child’s need to express feelings.
leaving a baby the right way
A highly attached, separation-sensitive baby has a hard time if mother leaves. The clue here is intuitively to know when your older baby can handle short absences (not counting the hour or so you may leave her with daddy now and then). In times past, grandmothers, aunts, even a neighbour were so intimately involved in a family’s life that baby would feel secure with one of these familiar people for three or four hours at a time. If you don’t have such a person in your life, look for a friendship you can cultivate – spend time together several times a week with another mother and child your toddler enjoys. Play and work together and be consistently in one another’s home. This mutual attachment will give you and your friend “the perfect babysitter” with a similar parenting style.
Between ages two and three a child’s inner life becomes more transparent. Feelings children cannot express in words they communicate through symbolic play, giving you a clue to what they are feeling by how they act. Mary “nurses” her doll while mummy nurses the new baby. She’s feeling like a little mummy. Jimmy pounds his teddy bear to show he’s angry when things don’t go his way.
becoming interdependent
Many child-rearing theories teach that a prime parenting goal is to get the child to be independent. This is true, but gaining independence is only part of becoming an emotionally healthy person. A child must pass through three stages:
• Dependence: “You do it for me.” The infant under one year of age is totally dependent on his parents.
• Independence: “I do it myself.” During the second year, the exploring toddler, with the encouragement of parents, learns to do many things independent of parents.
• Interdependence: “We do it.” This is the most mature stage. The child has the drive to accomplish a feat by himself but has the wisdom to ask for help to do it better. For a child to have the best chance of becoming an emotionally healthy person, she should be encouraged to mature through each of these stages gradually. Getting stuck in the dependent stage is as crippling as being forced out of it too soon. Remaining in the independent stage is frustrating. Maturing into interdependence equips children with the ability to get the most out of others, while asking the most of themselves.
Interdependence means the parent and child need each other to bring out the best in each other. Without your child challenging you as he goes through each stage, you wouldn’t develop the skills necessary to parent him. Here’s where the connected pair shines. They help each other be the best for each other.
Learning interdependence prepares a child for life, especially for relationships and work. In fact, management consultants teach the concept of inter-dependence to increase productivity. The ability to know when to seek help and how to get it is a valuable social skill that even a two-year-old can learn: “I can do it myself, but I can do it better with help.”
Throughout all stages of development a child goes from being solitary to being social, from wanting to be independent to wanting to be included. In fact, going back and forth from oneness to separateness is a lifelong social pattern among interdependent people. You want your child to be comfortable being alone and with other people, and which state predominates depends on the child’s temperament. Inter-dependence balances children who are predominantly either leaders or followers. The independent individualist may be so tied up in himself that he misses what the crowd has to offer. The dependent child is so busy following the crowd that he never gets a chance to develop leadership.
Learning to be interdependent ties in with the child learning to be responsible. When children get used to seeking help from other persons, they naturally learn to consider the effects of their behaviour on others. Truly happy and healthy persons are neither dependent nor independent; they are interdependent.
Defiance. Understanding why your toddler says no helps you not to be threatened by this toddler behaviour. Your toddler is not actually being defiant or stubborn. He is not saying, “I won’t”; rather, he is saying, “I don’t want to.” Often he will give you two or three “nos” before he says, “OK”. Or he is experimenting, thinking, “What happens when I say no?” He is thinking, “I am into my thing now. This is my time, my space, and I have a right