“Alexis, we talked of Emily being yours. You made all the doctor’s appointments. I knew in my head that she belonged to you and Sam, but as she grew and my body changed, it became harder to think of myself as just an incubator. As hard as I tried not to, I felt the baby belonging to me more and more.”
Alexis’s sharp intake of breath made Lucy flinch but she had to go on.
“Do you remember that day you came home and Sam had his hand on my belly? He was feeling her kick for the first time. I saw the look on your face. You resented me. I knew then I was going to have to do something drastic after the baby was born. I started applying for jobs then. My post partum emotions didn’t help. You and Sam and Emily became this tight little unit that didn’t include me.”
“Luce, we didn’t—”
Lucy held up a hand. “Let me finish or I might not be able to. I know my feelings were irrational. But I couldn’t make them go way. The problem was I was jealous. Jealous of you with Emily. Jealous of you having Sam. Jealous that I had no family of my own.”
“You had us. I’m your family.”
Lucy looked away. “No, my own husband, child. The jealousy was eating me up inside. I had to get away. When the job offer up here came I snatched it. My excuse was that I was feeling too attached to Emily when it was really that I was jealous of what you had. The longer I stayed at your house the more those awful feelings grew. I was disgusted with myself.
“I’m jealous of your happiness! You found it and I haven’t. You and I were a team. It had always been us against the world. Then Sam came along. You still included me, things weren’t that different, but Emily changed everything. You had your little family and I had nothing.”
She looked up to find tears rolling down Alexis’s face. They matched the ones on her own cheeks.
“I’m so ashamed, Alexis. If you love someone you should want them to have all the happiness in the world, not be jealous of them. I had no intention of seeing you the other day. Only because Ryan agreed to come with me did I show up. I just couldn’t face you.” She caught Alexis’s gaze and said with all the sincerity she could muster, “I’m so sorry. For it all. Please forgive me. I love you, Emily and Sam.”
Alexis’s stricken look tore at Lucy’s heart. Her sister was just as hurt as Lucy had feared she would be. Seconds later, Alexis popped up and came around the coffee table that stood between them. She sat next to Lucy and pulled her into a tight hug. “Aw, honey, I wish you’d said something. Sam and I love you. We want you to be happy too, not for us to be happy at your expense.”
It felt good to have Alexis’s understanding, concern and touch. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. I’ve carried enough of that for both of us. Please forgive me.” Lucy gave her a pleading look.
Alexis let go of Lucy enough that they could look at each other. “There’s nothing to forgive. I had no idea what a toll carrying Emily was having on you. Sam and I had no idea. You gave us no hint. You should’ve said something.”
“I couldn’t. As jealous as I was, I still couldn’t ruin your happiness.”
Alexis took both of Lucy’s hands in hers and looked at her with gloomy eyes. “Luce, I’m so sorry. We should’ve been more sensitive to your feelings.”
“I don’t want you or Sam to feel bad. As hard as coming here the other night was for me, it also made me face my fears and feelings. I’m stronger for it. I’m moving on, learning to cope, and I don’t want anything to ever stand between us again.”
Alexis wrapped Lucy in another hug, which she accepted and returned with every fiber of her being. She hung on until she and Alexis had moved from crying to laughing. With that came a sense of wellbeing that hadn’t been there in the last few months, except for those precious moments in Ryan’s arms.
“Enough of the crying. I’m going to call Sam and see when he’ll be home. He can watch Emily while you and I go out and have a good old-fashioned girls’ evening out,” Alexis declared, in that childhood one-twin-is-more-dominant-than-the-other voice.
“I’d really like that,” Lucy said, not hiding the emotion that crept into her voice. “I’ve missed you.”
Alexis gave her a hug. “And I you. Do you know of any good places to do some shopping in this big city?”
“I think Macy’s would cover everything we might need and more.”
“Then Macy’s it is.”
A cry from the adjoining room announced that Emily was awake.
“Do you mind if I get her?” Lucy asked.
“I would love for you to.”
Lucy reached into the crib and brought the warm child to her chest. Emily gave a whimper and quieted. Lucy inhaled the sweet smell of her. “Hi, sweetheart. It’s your Aunt Lucy.”
* * *
Hours later, with shopping bags in her hand and a smile on her face, Lucy asked, “Would you like to see where I live? It isn’t much.”
“I’d love to,” Alexis responded, with more eagerness than the tiny apartment warranted.
“Come on, I’ll show you how a real New Yorker travels.” Lucy headed down the steps into the subway station. Half an hour later she and Alexis were strolling along the narrow, bumpy sidewalk of her tree-lined street.
“What a nice area to live in. If I had to live in a city this large, I’d like to live somewhere like this. It feels like a real neighborhood,” Alexis commented.
“It is, but it doesn’t have the view of the city that Ryan has from Brooklyn.” He’d been on Lucy’s mind all day, especially after she’d begun to adjust to being a doting aunt and loyal sister. She missed him with all her heart. If they couldn’t return to what they’d had, she wanted them to at least be friends. No, that wasn’t true. They couldn’t go back to being friends. She wanted Ryan to be more than that. There had to be some way to make up for what she’d said to him.
“And you know about his view how?” Alexis put a suggestive tone in her voice. “I’ve been wanting to ask but was afraid to because of all the other emotions we’ve been drowning in today. But you opened the gate so I’m asking. What’s going on with you two?”
Lucy touched Alexis’s arm. “You can ask me anything. I’ll never again close you out. Ever.”
“I love you, Lucy.”
“And I love you. Here’s my apartment.”
A short time later Lucy and Alexis were sitting at the table, having glasses of iced tea, when Alexis asked, “Now, tell me about Ryan. How do you know about his view exactly?” Her look was pointed enough to make Lucy squirm and blush simultaneously.
“I’ve seen it.”
“You have? I knew there was something going on between you two.” Alexis’s seemed pleased with herself. She waited as if she expected Lucy to say more.
Under her watchful eyes, Lucy played with the moisture on the side of her glass.
“You really care about him, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Too much. And I messed up big time.”
“What happened?” Alexis put her glass down and leaned toward Lucy.
“Oh, Alexis, he told me he loved me.”
Alexis squealed. “That’s wonderful.”
“I said he couldn’t. I pushed him away.”
Alexis’s