Because she had been unable to hold it back any longer. She’d blurted it out last night when he’d been making love to her and that was almost understandable, because she had been in the middle of an orgasm at the time. But there had been no such excuse just a few moments ago, had there? Yet she had been unable to hold it back any longer. It had been like a dam building up inside her, before bursting free and washing away all reservations in its path.
‘My words were unconditional, Kulal,’ she amended quickly. ‘I wasn’t expecting anything in return. Honestly. We can just carry on like before and forget I ever said it.’
Kulal shook his head, his cynicism obvious from the hardening of his lips. ‘But life isn’t like that, Hannah. You must realise that. You’ve changed everything. It can’t possibly go back to how it was before. How could it? Our relationship will grow increasingly one-sided and you’ll want more.’ He paused. ‘More than I can ever give you.’
‘Kulal—’
‘No!’ The word shot from his lips as he glared at her. ‘Perhaps it’s time you heard the whole story and then you might understand. Do you want to know why the information about my childhood is so “patchy”, Hannah? Do you?’
Something in his tone was frightening her. Warning her that she might have done something from which there was no coming back. Hannah clenched her fists. ‘Not...not if you don’t want to tell me.’
‘Of course I don’t want to tell you! I’d rather not have to think of it even at the end of my days,’ he iced out. ‘But you’ve forced me into a corner, haven’t you? Because that’s what women do best. They push and push until there’s nowhere left to go.’ His face grew dark, almost savage. ‘So maybe it’s time you heard the facts about my childhood.’
Hannah forced herself to sit down on one of the chairs, but its soft seat did little to ease her rigid posture as she folded her hands in her lap and looked at him. ‘Okay,’ she breathed.
There was silence for a few seconds, a silence so profound that she wondered if he’d changed his mind and didn’t part of her wish he had? But then he began to speak and his voice was as cold as a winter wind whistling through the rooms of an empty house.
‘It was a match like so many royal marriages in this region,’ he said. ‘A traditional marriage intended to unify two great dynasties from neighbouring countries. After the birth of his sons, my father kept mistresses, but he was always discreet about them. And yes, you can widen your eyes in horror, but that was the way things were in those days, Hannah. Once more, I ask you to look no further than your own royal family to see that kings and princes have always broken the fundamental rules of relationships. The difference was that my mother refused to accept it. She didn’t want that kind of marriage. She wanted a modern romantic marriage—and that had never been on the cards.’
‘So what...happened?’ she questioned as a long silence followed this pronouncement.
His mouth twisted. ‘The love she professed to feel for him became an obsession. She tried everything in her power to command his attention. She was his constant shadow. Wherever he turned, she was there. I remember she used to spend hours in front of the mirror, refining and redefining her appearance to try to become the woman she thought he wanted. Once, she even sought out one of his mistresses and attacked her—flaying her fingernails down the woman’s face. It took a lot of money to hush that up.’ He his face grew even darker as he continued. ‘And the irony was that, not only was her neediness driving my father further away, it blinded her to everything else around her. In the midst of her quest to win his heart, she neglected the needs of her young family.’
‘You mean you?’
He nodded. ‘Yes, me, but especially my twin brother, Haydar. I had run away to fight in the border battles with Quzabar—I think I used the war as an excuse to escape from the toxic atmosphere within the palace.’ His voice grew bitter. ‘Now I berate myself for my cowardice.’
‘Cowardice?’ she echoed. ‘A teenager who was honoured for his bravery during that war? Whose body is still scarred from the aftermath?’
‘Yes,’ he hissed. ‘Because Haydar was still here. He was the one who bore the brunt of her increasingly bizarre behaviour.’
‘She sounds like she was depressed.’
‘Of course she was depressed!’
As his words faded away, Hannah took the opportunity to ask another question. ‘And did she ever...did she ever see a doctor?’
‘Yes.’ Distractedly, he began to pace around the vast room, but when he stopped and turned back to face her, a terrible look had distorted his features into a bleak mask. ‘But people can only be helped if they want to be helped, and she didn’t.’
‘So what happened?’ she whispered.
He picked up a small box inlaid with jewels as if to study it, but Hannah suspected he didn’t really see it. Putting it carefully back down on the gilded table, he looked up. ‘It’s not uncommon for families to normalise bizarre behaviour and that’s exactly what we did. Everyone lived with it the best they could, and time passed. I only heard second-hand what happened next. Things had been bad. Worse than usual. She refused to leave her room, no matter what the inducement. By this stage, my father had renounced all his other women and was trying to make amends, but it was too late. Haydar went to show her a piece of wood he’d carved for her in the shape of one of the rainbow birds which fly in the palace gardens and that’s when he found her...’
His voice had faltered, its grim tone warning Hannah that something unspeakable must have happened. ‘Kulal?’ she said softly.
‘She was dead.’
Hannah saw the blanching of his olive skin and wondered if perhaps she’d asked enough questions but by now she couldn’t stop. Because didn’t she get the feeling that Kulal had spent his whole life bottling this stuff up, so that it had fermented inside him like a slow poison? Couldn’t this disclosure—no matter how painful—help liberate him from some of those locked-away demons, even if it darkened their own relationship as a result? ‘How did she die?’ she questioned clearly.
His eyes were bleak as they met hers. They looked empty. As if all the light had left them, never to return. ‘She slashed her wrists,’ he said eventually, not pausing when he heard Hannah’s shocked cry, emotion shaking his voice so that it sounded like rock shattering. ‘Then daubed our father’s name in blood on the walls. And that was how Haydar found her.’
A terrible silence descended on them. Hannah slapped her fingers over her trembling lips and it was minutes before she could bring herself to respond. ‘Oh, Kulal,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Of course you’re sorry,’ he iced back. ‘We were all sorry. My father went half mad with guilt, and it nearly broke my brother. It’s what made him leave Zahristan as soon as he reached eighteen. Why he renounced the throne so that I was forced to take his place as monarch, even though I am the younger twin and never wanted to rule. Why he has never returned to this country for almost seventeen years,’ he finished bitterly. ‘That’s why the information about my mother’s death is so patchy, as you defined it—because somehow, I’m still not sure how, the palace managed to hush it all up. But press coverage was also very different at that time. We had more control over the media. Now do you understand what made me the man I am, Hannah?’
She was nodding her head. ‘Y-yes,’ she said, trying to stop her voice from trembling.
‘Why I have no desire for the demands of love?’ he continued, still in that same harsh tone. ‘It’s a word I equate with selfishness and ego. A word which often contradicts itself because people use it as a justification for behaviour