‘When Paul said he could get me a job waitressing in France, I didn’t really think about you too much if I’m honest. I thought you were happy. You had Mum and your career. I just went,’ she finished with a shrug.
‘Yeah, well while you went off, I built my life around Mum.’
‘I thought that’s what you wanted.’
Sarah lowered her head and examined her nails. ‘I thought you might have come back after Paul died,’ she said quietly.
‘What, so Mum could tell me every day what a mess I’d made of my life? Anyway, I had Jamie to think of. Buying the guest house was my way of getting on with my life. I needed to find a way to support myself and as Mum was so keen to point out, I didn’t have any qualifications.’ Eva topped up their glasses and regarded Sarah.
‘Do you know one of the reasons I was so determined to make the guest house work was because of you?’
‘Me?’ Now it was Sarah’s turn to look shocked.
‘Do you know how many times Mum compared me to you? How many times she made me feel inadequate because I didn’t have a glittering career? Always holding you up as the perfect daughter. I wanted her to see that I could make something of my life as well.’ There was a pause and Sarah stared down into her wine glass.
‘I – I had no idea you felt like that,’ she said eventually.
‘Look, I don’t mean to sound churlish. You have done well, Sarah. And it’s right that Mum is proud of you. It’s just … sometimes it was difficult for me. It felt as though all Mum did was – I don’t know, smother you with praise.’
Eva heard Sarah exhale deeply. ‘You’re right.’
‘You’re agreeing with me?’
‘You don’t need to sound quite so shocked.’ Sarah leaned back in her seat, seeming to gather herself. ‘Do you remember that little silver necklace Mum gave me?’
‘The one with the heart on it? I loved that necklace. I was so jealous of you.’
‘Do you know why Mum got it for me?’
Eva scrunched up her face, thinking. ‘I don’t remember.’
‘I was in first year at high school and I brought home my first report card. I’d done well in all my subjects and Mum was so pleased with me. She bought me that necklace for doing so well. The better I did, the happier she seemed with me. After that, I always felt pressure to do well. Through university, my job … everything I did, everything I do. I’m always scared if I don’t make Mum happy then somehow I’ve failed.’
Eva had no idea Sarah had felt under so much pressure. She’d always assumed her sister had been happy with her career and their mother’s adulation. If Sarah’s face was anything to go by, then she was feeling as stunned as she was, thought Eva. After years of hardly speaking, there was a slightly uneasy silence as they both tried to compute the words now sitting between them.
When Hamish trotted over to Eva making it clear he needed out, Eva could have kissed him for providing a diversion. She stood up quickly, almost knocking her chair backwards. ‘I better let Hamish out,’ she muttered.
The sky had darkened and Sarah stared out of the window. Eva could just make out Hamish’s tail wagging in the garden as he checked the chickens and then found something to sniff by the fence that divided her garden from Ben’s. She wondered what Ben was doing and felt a glow of warmth spread through her just thinking of him.
Once Hamish came bounding back in Eva thought it might be wise for them to eat something. She found some quiche in the fridge and turned up the heat under the soup. Leaning against the worktop, she glanced over at Sarah.
‘So the case you lost, was it an important one?’
Sarah gave a rueful laugh. ‘They’re all important. But I didn’t expect to lose this one – I keep going over and over it in my mind. Was it my fault – was there something more I could have done?’
‘I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.’
‘It seems to get harder, you know? The constant deadlines, keeping up with the legislation … always being available for clients. Sometimes it feels like such an effort.’
Eva ladled soup into bowls and brought them over to the table along with plates of oatcakes and cheese, thinking how odd it was to hear Sarah sounding so despondent.
‘Sounds to me like you might need a proper break from everything.’
‘That’s what Jon said,’ Sarah said quietly.
‘Jon?’
Sarah swallowed hard as if she were on the verge of tears. ‘You don’t want to know,’ she said bitterly.
‘I do, Sarah. Please tell me.’
Sarah absently stirred her spoon in her bowl. ‘Jon works for our firm’s Holland office. He came on a secondment for six months. We got to know each other quite well …’ She paused. ‘Anyway, he does quite a bit of pro-bono work –’
‘Pro-bono?’
‘Basically it’s doing free legal work for people who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford it. While he was in Edinburgh he got involved in setting up a legal advice centre for residents in a homeless shelter – so they would be able to get legal assistance for things like welfare and family law. I helped him with some of the work.’
‘Sounds like a decent thing to do.’
‘Yeah, well he was a decent guy. Not like anyone I’ve ever met. He made me see things differently. See my life differently.’ She sat back in her seat, her expression changing. ‘Then his six months was up and he returned to Holland. Before he left, he asked me to go with him.’
Eva’s eyes widened with surprise. ‘And?’
‘And nothing.’ She shrugged. ‘I told him I couldn’t go.’
‘Oh, Sarah, how long ago was this?’
‘A few weeks ago.’
‘Why did you say no?’ Eva asked gently.
‘I wouldn’t leave Mum on her own. I said no without even thinking about it.’
Eva now understood why seeing Helen with someone must have been so difficult for her, after giving up the chance of her own relationship.
‘Would you like to see him again?’
‘I don’t know. I guess so. But I haven’t spoken to him since he left.’
‘Was he nice?’ Eva gave her a little smile.
‘Yeah, he was lovely.’
‘If Mum does have someone – a partner, boyfriend, or whatever – doesn’t that make it easier for you now? You could go to Holland if you wanted. I’d be here for Mum – you know that. I’m not right beside her but I don’t mind making the drive to see her; it’s not that long. Or she could come here, although I’ve given up asking.’
Sarah didn’t answer immediately and then she shrugged helplessly. ‘I don’t know what to think or what I’m going to do now,’ she said with a sigh.
Eva’s own thoughts tumbled about in her head as she struggled to process the last twenty-four hours. It looked like it was going to be a long night.
***
The next morning Eva and Sarah strolled through the winter market, browsing stalls selling hand-made toys, jewellery, and candles. They warmed up with cups of hot chocolate and then made their way to the beach, Sarah having swapped her designer heels for