‘You don’t need to thank me or be grateful, Lily. She’s my daughter too.’
Aware she had offended him but too preoccupied to figure out how or why, she nodded and said, ‘An hour?’
The vagueness in her voice brought his searching scrutiny to her face. What he saw there made him catch hold of her hands and pull her around to face him. He didn’t have to be an expert to recognise shock when he saw it.
‘You need to... Lily...!’ The sound of her name drew Lily’s green, oddly flat stare up to his. Through his hold on her narrow, delicate wrists, he could feel the tremors that were striking intermittently through her body. Ben took a deep breath and spoke slowly. ‘You need to pack and...’ He stopped. Two things were obvious: she was not listening, or at least not hearing him, and he was way out of his depth. Being excluded was bad but this... This, he decided, was way worse.
Lily looked at him and thought, Why is he telling me this? Does he think I’m stupid or something?
‘It’s fine. I’ll sort it.’
He led her back to the bungalow, emptied a miniature of brandy from the bar into a glass, stood over her while she swallowed the contents with a grimace and then she set about packing.
When he returned Lily looked pale, her big eyes haunted, but she no longer looked as though she were sleepwalking.
‘I’m all packed,’ she said, nodding to the cases by the door.
‘Your mum is expecting us?’
She nodded and stood up as he hefted her bags. As he approached the door with one under each arm she hurried to open it for him. ‘The hotel rang her back for me. I should never have left Emmy with her.’
‘Are you going to beat yourself up all the way? Just a question—it’s fine, feel free.’ He gestured towards his pocket. ‘I brought my earphones just in case.’
The twitch of her lips almost constituted a smile. ‘How long will it take...to get back?’
‘It will seem a lot longer if you clock watch.’
She nodded, then clamped a hand to her mouth, covering a strangled sob. ‘Sorry.’
The sound made something he chose not to name twist in his chest. ‘You don’t have to be sorry.’ Ben felt a stab of shame that he had ever privately compared her maternal instincts with Signe’s. ‘I don’t know, but from what people say kids can be ill one minute and bouncing around the next.’
Lily nodded.
A firm believer in straight talking, Ben was beginning to appreciate that there were times when it wasn’t appropriate. ‘But I suppose the medical establishment quite rightly tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to kids...’
She seized eagerly on his observation, nodding as she said, ‘That’s true. Mum only took Emmy to the doctor’s because she just seemed a little off colour...and he said just to be on the safe side...so it’s probably nothing, but I need to get back to her.’
The catch in her voice made the knot of unaccustomed emotion in his throat tighten. ‘You will,’ he promised huskily.
Lily took a deep breath and fought to damp down the rising sense of raw desperation, glad of the weight of the hand that had fallen on her shoulder.
She had never flown in anything nearly as luxurious as the private jet. Another time she might have enjoyed being waited on by the attentive staff, but as it was the time ticked by and the tension and fear inside her grew.
She wouldn’t even have eaten had Ben not stood over and threatened to force-feed her if she didn’t.
She pretended to be indignant, but she was actually rather touched that he was making such an effort to make her feel comfortable. Not that he personally brought her coffee or offered her a selection of glossy magazines—his staff did that. But for some reason when he left the cabin to talk to the pilot or take one of the numerous calls he received, it was harder to keep the dark fears in her head at bay.
Which was stupid; he had no magic power. What he did have was a presence. He radiated calm command. Normally it would probably have irritated her, but in this instance it made her feel as though everything would be all right.
Normally on a flight Ben either slept or worked. On this one he did neither—he just watched Lily. He’d been worried that she was going to fall apart but as the time passed he realised this wasn’t going to happen. She was totally terrified—she didn’t realise, but every thought in her head registered on her face—but Lily Gray, he realised, had an inner strength.
AS THEY EMERGED from the airport terminal, Ben took her elbow and led her to a waiting car. It was long and low with blacked-out windows and Ben spoke to the driver before sliding in beside her.
‘Until I know what’s happening I’d like to—’
‘You don’t want me there.’
She flicked an anxious look at his face. There was nothing to read in those strong lines and angles but she knew that she’d offended him. She seemed to have a knack at this and on this occasion she really didn’t want to.
‘You’ve been so kind.’
His chiselled jaw tightened. ‘Kind is what a stranger is. I’m a father.’ Sounds good but what does it mean? What did he actually know about being a father? Oh, arranging transport and second opinions he could do. That was the easy stuff. The other things...what if he was no good at them? What if he was a lousy father? His own father had probably meant well, but that hadn’t stopped him failing miserably. Two parents waging their own silent war of attrition and he’d been the silent casualty.
‘I didn’t mean...’ She looked at his shuttered profile and, responding to an instinct she didn’t pause to analyse, laid her small hand on his.
Ben looked from the small hand to her face. The muscles in his brown throat worked as he swallowed but his expression revealed nothing.
‘You’re a good mother.’
She blinked at the abrupt declaration before responding with a guilty flood of self-recrimination. ‘I wasn’t there... I should have been... Emmy needed me and I was with you—’
Ben felt the tortured guilt in the swimming green eyes that met his like a dull knife sliding between his ribs. He pressed a finger to her lips. ‘You are now.’
She took a deep shuddering breath. ‘Sorry.’
‘When I was a kid I had a fall...fractured my skull.’ He lifted a hand to the side of his head. ‘There was internal bleeding and they had to operate to relieve the pressure. When my mother arrived—a week later—she was very concerned about the scars that might spoil my looks. Luckily the hair they’d shaved grew back. You are a good mother.’
A week...there were obviously scars that his hair did not hide. A good mother...who knew? But at least I’m not a monster, Lily thought soberly.
‘So go be a good mum and I’ll be around when you need me.’ Earning his right to call himself a father.
‘It’s not that... Mum will be there on the ward, you see, and you... The explanations on top of everything else... I’m not trying to...exclude you.’
There was a long pause before he nodded. ‘I have some calls to make. I’ll