‘Pa beat me again, didn’t he?’ Terry clung to his sister’s hand. ‘He was bad, Nance – what he done to you. He deserved it but Ma didn’t deserve to die – why didn’t she come out?’
‘Stop thinking about it,’ Nancy ordered. The door had been blazing and she’d known it was too late when she saw how fierce the fire was and him standing there staring at it. ‘You have to forget it, Terry. Ma should have left him and taken us with her years ago.’
‘Are you angry?’ Terry asked, looking at her strangely. ‘You’re not angry with me? I was just standing there in the hall and then you grabbed me and pulled me down the stairs and we ran away …’
‘You didn’t do anything wrong.’ Nancy gave him a little shake. ‘Listen to me, Terry; this is important. You were in your room until I came and got you out of bed. What happened wasn’t your fault. Remember that if the police ask questions.’
Terry was shaking all over. ‘Why should they ask questions, Nance? We didn’t do nothing wrong, did we? Did I do something bad, Nance?’
‘No, you didn’t,’ Nancy said, her fingers digging into his shoulders as she shook him again. ‘Just remember, you were asleep until I grabbed you out of bed and shoved you down the stairs. Your dreams are just nightmares – you stopped on the landing and looked at the door. It was a sheet of flames and you just stared at it and then you screamed for Ma, but there was nothing we could do. Pa locked us out. It was his fault, that’s all you have to remember.’
‘I didn’t do anything bad?’
‘No, love,’ Nancy said, and held him in her arms, kissing the top of his head. He smelled clean and decent and she loved him. He didn’t carry the foul stink of a man that clung to Pa: sweat and beer and other things that made her shudder.
‘Nance, you won’t ever leave me? You won’t ever go away? I’m afraid of the dreams – afraid of what I see; afraid they might be true next time.’
‘It’s only because of the shock,’ Nancy said. ‘That doctor with the funny name said you were traumatised. I think that means you don’t know what’s happening – all those things you think happened are just bad dreams. Pa used to hit us, but that’s all.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’m your own Nance, ain’t I? And I’m never going to leave you. I shall always look after you – just as you looked after me.’
‘Did I look after you, Nance? What did I do?’
‘You stopped Pa hurting me,’ she said. ‘You kicked and punched him and that’s why he went mad and beat you with his belt. He sent you to bed with no supper and said he’d deal with you in the morning.’
‘What was he doing to you, Nance? I heard you crying lots of nights – but I can’t remember what he did …’
‘That’s because it wasn’t important. He just hit me, the way he hit you and Ma – there was nothing else. You forget about it. We’re all right here for the moment, but you have to be good. Sally, she’s the nice one who came and brought us some sandwiches and talked to us today – and Miss Angela. They’re friends, Terry. You mustn’t pull the head off that teddy bear again or they will think something is wrong.’
‘All right. I’m sorry, Nance. I was just angry because my bear was lost in the fire and I couldn’t remember what happened …’
‘I should’ve brought Bear but there was no time. I’m sorry, love – but you must try, please, for both our sakes. I want to stay here, ’cos some places they might send us are terrible – worse than being at home with Pa.’
‘I’ll do what you say, Nance – as long as they don’t part us. I can’t be alone at night or the dreams will come true, I know they will.’
‘No, they won’t, because they can’t; it’s all over now,’ she soothed. ‘Now, I’m going to go down to the kitchen and ask for a hot drink for us both. Nan said that was what I should do if we woke in the night. She said someone would be about, because there are nurses and carers on duty all night – but you mustn’t be frightened. You mustn’t scream or call out. I shall come back. I promise I’ll always come back for you, Terry. They can’t part us for ever.’
Unless the police thought they’d planned it together and then they might put Terry in a mental institution and Nancy in prison.
‘All right,’ Terry said. ‘Go on then; I’m awake now. It’s only when I’m asleep that the dreams come.’
‘I know, but they will fade in time,’ Nancy said. ‘I miss Ma too – but Pa was bad. He deserved what he got – you’re not to blame, love.’ Their parents wouldn’t have known anything about what was going on, because the smoke would’ve killed them long before the fire touched them. Nancy couldn’t be certain how it had started, though she had a terrible suspicion that her brother might have had something to do with it. No, she wouldn’t let herself think it; her father had been drunk and he must have knocked the oil lamp over, mustn’t he? It had all been so quick and nothing was clear in her mind.
‘Just forget it, my love. We mustn’t think about it any more.’
Terry nodded; his eyes were wide and frightened even now. Nancy squeezed his hand and then left him to look for the hot drink she’d promised. He wasn’t the only one to have bad dreams; it was just that hers were with her all the time, waking and sleeping, but she could control them, could stop herself crying out things, and he couldn’t.
Nancy knew that she had to be careful. It was easy to make a mistake and say too much. She’d let her guard down with Miss Angela and she thought the woman might have guessed her secret – a part of her secret, but not the dangerous bit. Their lives depended on people believing her story. If they knew what Pa had done to her they might suspect she’d intended him to die and then … no, she had to keep it all inside.
It was Pa’s fault that he and Ma had died in the fire, though Nancy’s guilt over her mother was sometimes unbearable – but Pa was evil. He’d abused and ill-treated them all. He deserved to be dead and Nancy was never going to cry for him. She’d cried for Ma at first, but now she cared only about her brother. It was her duty to protect him from – whatever came along. Her eyes were burning with the need to weep, but she forced herself to keep the pain, the grief and the shame inside herself. She could never tell anyone the real truth as long as she lived …
‘You must promise to have tea with me every day, at least until you get your room back,’ Beatrice said when Nan came to visit her the next morning. ‘I told you that you would have your own sitting room when I took over here – and I feel guilty about turning you out for that pair.’
‘Don’t make a fuss, Beatrice.’ Nan smiled comfortably. ‘We have a perfectly adequate staff room I can share and I like chatting to the younger ones. I’ve known you too many years to make a fuss over something like this – besides, what else could you have done?’
‘I should have insisted on splitting them up, as they ought to be. It isn’t natural for a girl of that age to be sleeping in the same room as her brother.’
‘I dare say there are thousands of them sleeping top to toe all over the country. Most families cannot afford the luxury of separate beds for the children, let alone separate rooms. My mother had five children and two bedrooms; we kids had to crowd into one room, but at least we were all girls. Two of my sisters died of scarlet fever when