Everyone understands that coping with the death of a spouse is heart-breakingly tough, but the reality is so much more complicated. It’s the problems that those around you don’t even give thought to, which threaten to steal away the ground beneath your feet.
I switch screens again, noting that it’s three days since my last entry.
Diary Log – day 484. Christmas is coming. Will it be our last one here? Quality time with Maya v holding onto memories. It’s a decision I still can’t make. So for now we stay.
All Work and No Play
‘How are you doing with that deadline, Elana?’ Eve busies herself making us both a coffee as I settle myself down on the sofa.
Looking around, what I feel is a sense of calm. I love popping into Hillside View as it reminds me how wonderful it’s going to be once Bay Tree Cottage is finished. Both semi-detached cottages stand alone on an outcrop of rock, with almost surreal views across to the river, and with the Forest of Dean as a backdrop. Ironically it was the one thing that originally spoilt it for us, the fact that it wasn’t detached. Now, I’m thankful to have Eve, Rick and little Amelie, who is Maya’s best friend, on the doorstep.
Both cottages had been empty for quite a long time, owned by an eccentric local farmer, who was in his eighties and seemed oblivious to the decay as the buildings deteriorated. Hillside was already sold when we first came to view Bay Tree and the moment we drew up outside we knew this was going to be our home. We looked at it longingly for what it could be, rather than with the cold appraisal needed when taking on a project of this scale. It’s the reason we didn’t hold up our hands in horror at the amount of work that was going to be required, imagining the cosy place it would eventually be. Now what I have is a cottage that is half-renovated and no idea when, or if, I’ll ever be able to afford to get it finished.
‘It’s coming along, albeit slowly. I seem to have a client who is driving the publisher mad at the moment. He’s hardly ever around and has missed our last three Skype meetings. How on earth I’m supposed to pull together his biography, goodness knows! If this job falls through I’m in big trouble.’
Eve shoots me a sympathetic look and holds out a coffee mug.
‘Thanks. It’s my third cup already and Maya’s only been at school an hour. Anyway, what was it you wanted to talk about?’
Eve shifts from foot to foot, her face colouring slightly as she settles herself in the armchair opposite me.
‘It’s not good news, I’m afraid. The builders have now fixed the leak and given the roof a once-over. Surprisingly it’s in pretty good condition. Their boss, Matthew, says both cottages were re-roofed some time in the last eight to ten years. However, unfortunately, the chimney needs re-pointing urgently. He’s not sure it’s safe, so he’s going to arrange for scaffolding to be erected and his son, Luke, will be here next week to work on it. The bad news is that yours is in the same state.’
I put the coffee mug down on the side table and push myself further back into the sofa, trying hard to keep my face composed. More money I don’t have.
‘Look,’ Eve leans forward to touch my arm, ‘we can get him to do the work and you can pay us when you can. I know this is the last thing you need at the moment, so don’t worry about it. Let us handle it as we’re going to incur the cost of the scaffolding anyway, so it will only be the labour costs and a few materials. It’s best to get it sorted and there’s no hurry with regard to the money.’
I can see that she’s embarrassed, but with our girls playing outside whenever they can, and living in a windy position on the side of a hill, this is a health-and-safety issue. It’s not something that can be ignored, or postponed, just because I can’t afford to have it done. And I don’t accept charity, even when it’s well-meant. I try not to let a sigh escape, because I know it would quickly turn into a sob. I swallow determinedly – no point in panicking until I know what’s involved.
‘That’s so kind, Eve, and please do thank Rick, too. I’m sure I can stretch to it, though. If you can get Matthew to give me a quote that would be great and, of course, it needs to be sorted quickly.’
We exchange glances and I can see by her frown how troubled she is for me.
‘Hey, don’t worry. I’m doing okay, really.’ I give her a reassuring smile.
Eve eases herself out of the chair and walks around to sit next to me on the sofa. She places her arms around my shoulders and gives me a warm hug. This isn’t about money, or a chimney. This is about being weary; so tired of thinking that I want to switch off my brain and wishing I could spirit myself back two years in time. Golden days that I didn’t realise were so very, very precious.
‘Time heals, my lovely friend. But there will be setbacks. Sometimes you need to just let it all out, there’s no shame in that.’
It’s comforting, not least because there aren’t many people who understand the frustrations that are still a part of my daily life. My parents would be horrified to know that, because they believe this strong front I’m presenting to the world. They are proud of me because of the way I’m coping and wouldn’t know what to do if they thought for one moment I was so fragile I’m in danger of … what?
‘Thank you, Eve. It helps, you know. Just once in a while I need to drop my guard. And the chimney, just get Matthew to pop in to see me. It’s kind of him to have checked it out and I’m happy to pay half of the cost of the scaffolding.’
‘Don’t you even go there! I feel awful having to raise it and wish we could have simply told him to get on with both jobs. But he needs your permission, of course. And you can’t light the fire until he gives you the all-clear. Oh, life, eh?’
The sigh that escapes her lips is one of empathy and concern. With our girls being only six months apart in age, Niall’s death also affected Eve in a very real way. It was a reminder that you can’t take anything for granted, even the fact that there will be a tomorrow. In some ways I hope that it has brought Eve and Rick closer together, allowing them to appreciate how lucky they are to have each other.
‘Actually, I also have a problem with a leak in the spare bedroom, so maybe he could take a look at that, too. The last thing I want is to risk it getting worse over the Christmas holidays. It’s on my to-do list but until I have the draft outline of this biography done I can’t turn my attention to anything else.’
‘You never said who it was you’re writing about. Is it anyone interesting?’
‘Aiden Cruise.’
Eve rolls her eyes and laughs out loud.
‘Ha! Good luck pinning down that bad boy! Is it going to be X-rated?’
‘Well, if I don’t get at least one more lengthy Skype session in with him, all I can say is that at the moment it all seems rather tame. But then we’ve only covered his early years and rebellious teens; we didn’t get as far as his front-page, post-fame antics.’
‘Ooh, the best bit is yet to come, then. Will you get