“It has to be devastating to lose a child.”
“Yes, and Ethan knows he goes overboard. He’s just so afraid, but I’ve told him that we can’t keep her locked up away from the world. We have to let her grow.”
“What did he say?”
“He understands, but it’s difficult for him to do. I explained the running and jumping would be good for her. She’d learn how to fall.”
“Did he agree?”
“Not for an instant and he was so nervous watching her I thought I’d have to tie him to his seat.”
“He just loves her,” Sarah said.
“Yes. Ethan loves very deeply. That’s one of the things I love most about him.”
“You’re very lucky.”
“Hmm.” Serena’s eyes grew dreamy. “And I have a solution to our problem.”
“What?”
“Another baby.”
Sarah raised an eyebrow. “Does Ethan agree?” Ethan had gone through such pain over losing his son that he’d never wanted to have another child. It had taken Serena a year before she was convinced that he was ready.
“Let’s just say I’m working on him. He spends all day with Jassy and when she starts school, he’s going to be lost without her. Another child would definitely divide his attention and worry.”
As Sarah listened, she wished her life was that simple, her problems so easy to solve. Serena and Ethan loved each other and they would work out their differences, but Sarah feared her pain was too deep to ever assuage. She had to try, though. She couldn’t stay in denial forever.
Serena watched her for a moment. “My life’s not what you wanted to talk about. What’s wrong, Sarah?”
Sarah rested her chin on her knees and stared down at her toes. She used to paint her nails, but she hadn’t done that in years.
“Sarah—” Serena prompted.
She took a long breath. “I’ve told you so many times that I’m fine. I realized today that I’m not.”
“What happened?”
Sarah told her about Brooke Wallace.
“How awful.”
“It is,” Sarah agreed. “When she asked me if the shame and horror would ever go away, I should have been able to say yes. But I couldn’t honestly say that, and it shook me.”
“What did you say?”
“I told her that in time with a concentrated effort she could put it behind her and that she had to talk to people.” She shook her head. “I haven’t done any of that. I pushed what happened to me to the back of my mind and I’ve never really faced it or conquered all those bad feelings. Instead I’ve burrowed further and further inside myself until…” She stopped. “Do you know what the cops call me?”
“No.”
“Colder Than Ice. And it’s true. I’m frozen inside and I can’t feel anymore. I won’t allow myself to feel. I can’t…I…”
“Oh, Sarah.” Serena jumped up and went to her, holding her tight. “I think you’ve done remarkably well considering all you’ve been through.”
“No. I just did what I had to—going through the motions of living.”
Serena leaned back. “You saw your fiancé killed then you were brutalized by a drug lord and forced to strip in a disgusting club. After that you found out you had an identical twin sister and a grandmother you knew nothing about—and Celia, the woman who raised you, who you thought was your grandmother, was really your father’s wife. That’s a tremendous amount of trauma for anyone to deal with.”
When Sarah didn’t speak, Serena added, “I’m so proud of you and I’m sure listening to that young girl’s terrifying story brought back a lot of painful memories.”
“It didn’t bring them back—that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’ve never let go of them. I haven’t dealt with my past. I help other people, but I can’t help myself. Even Daniel knows that.”
“Daniel?”
“I see him occasionally when I’m working and when I do, he looks at me with such concern and empathy. That irritates me. He always asks how I am. That irritates me more. I’ve tried to understand why that is, but I’ve never found an answer. Last night he was at the hospital and after everyone had left he asked why I resented him so much. Words spilled out before I could stop them and I said some hurtful things.”
“Like what?”
“Like I blame him for Greg’s death and I don’t appreciate him always looking over my shoulder to make sure I’m okay. I don’t need his help or concern and I told him to stay away from me.”
“Oh, Sarah.”
“I know. He’s been nothing but kind and helpful. He saw something, though, that I couldn’t—that I’m falling apart. I lashed out because…”
“Because what?”
Sarah swallowed hard. “Because it goes much deeper. I realized that today, too.” She stared off past Serena’s shoulder. “Remember that day Ethan and Daniel rescued us from Boyd’s apartment?”
“I’m not likely to ever forget it.”
“I was so afraid Boyd was going to kill you and Ethan like he killed Greg. I passed out and when I came to, I was lying on the floor and Daniel had his ear against my breasts. At first I didn’t know what was going on, then I realized my robe was open and I didn’t have anything on but a pair of bikini panties. I knew he was a policeman and I was so embarrassed.”
Serena rubbed her arm. “You shouldn’t be. We were all very worried about you. Daniel was just trying to see if you were still breathing. I don’t think he even noticed you were almost naked.”
“But I noticed.” She blinked back a tear. “Sometimes I dream I’m on that stage, taking off my clothes, and I hear the men hollering and whistling. I didn’t want Daniel to see me like that.”
“Are you saying you have feelings for Daniel?”
“No, but I don’t want him to see me that way.”
“What way?”
“Like a slut.”
Serena caught Sarah’s face and turned it so she could look into her eyes. “Listen to me. You’re not a slut. No one, including Daniel, sees you that way. You’re a beautiful, talented, courageous young woman. And you’re strong—stronger than I ever could be. I love you and I’m so glad you’re my sister.”
Sarah wrapped her arms around Serena and rested her head on her shoulder. “Help me, Serena. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want the pain and nightmares to stop. I know all the textbook stuff, but it’s hard to apply that to myself.”
“Okay, then, let’s do something different.”
Sarah pulled back. “Like what?”
Serena became thoughtful. “Well, you say you’re cold, so let’s warm you up.”
“Do you have something in mind?”
“Yes, and of course this is a lay person’s point of view—to make a woman feel better about herself, it helps to make her look great on the outside. Once you gain some confidence in your femininity again, I think the rest will follow. As a counselor you’ll have to sort through all the debris that’s making you feel this way and I’ll be here to help you any way I can.”
“Thank