I’d never actually thought it’d be like this. Never this soon, anyway. It was nice, really nice, the three of us curled up comfortably like we were old friends – not like I was sat at school with a couple of people I’d only just met..
“We move around, a lot,” I told them. “You never know where the deployments will be or when there’ll be training courses all over the place, and it just gets kind of crazy. They move us from base to base. We never really get to stay anywhere for long.”
They asked about a thousand questions each. Lilly’s were sort of as I’d already come to expect, but Rae’s were considered, and intent, and took me by surprise.
“Don’t you worry about them getting…hurt?”
“Yeah, of course. But you just have to try not to think about it. Otherwise you just kind of go mad.”
“But isn’t it hard to keep up with your work when you have to keep changing schools all the time?”
“Yeah, sort of, but luckily I’m dead smart, so, you know, no worries really.” They both laughed at that one. Even without knowing how hideous my grades had traditionally been.
“Who cares about the work,” Lilly threw in. “It must be way harder keeping friends if you move all the time. How do you manage it?”
“I don’t, really. I’ve never sort of been one for friends.”
Lilly inhaled sharply and her hands flew up to her mouth in a gesture that was so overly dramatic it set me off laughing again.
“It’s OK,” I told her when I got my breath back. “I have my sister. She’s my best friend. We pretty much never stick around anywhere long enough to make good friends, but we’ve always got each other.”
“So how come you never switched to a boarding school sooner then?” Rae asked.
I shrugged. “We never really needed to. It’s only now that…” I trailed off for a second, surprised by the catch in my voice. “I mean, it’s just, Beth’s at uni now, and with Mum and Dad both being deployed at the same time…”
“Sorry,” Rae murmured. “I didn’t mean to—”
“No, it’s fine,” I said, getting a grip. “Really. It’s cool.”
“So, do you meet, like, loads of really hot soldiers?” Lilly’s eager question swept away the tension, and Rae threw another pillow at her.
“Do you have easy access to a gun?” Rae asked me, darting a murderous look Lilly’s way. The two of them were like a well-practised comedy duo; it was brilliant.
“In both cases, the answers are MoD classified, I’m afraid.” This time it was Lilly who threw a pillow at me, but she was a lousy shot, and all she ended up doing was knocking the books off my bedside table. My photo flew out, and fluttered to the floor, drawing all eyes in the room. I swore under my breath as I reached out for it, but Lilly was like lightning.
“Whoa! Stop Press! Who is he?”
“Lilly…” There was a clear warning in Rae’s tone, but Lilly was too far gone.
“Whatever – shut up. We need to talk. Who is he, Abby?”
Rae snatched the photo from her, and handed it back to me. She looked down at her feet, pretending she hadn’t seen the way my eyes were filling up. “Seriously, Lilly. We really need to get you trained.”
“What?” Lilly looked up. “Oh, hell, what did I—”
“You didn’t. It’s fine.” I blinked away the tears, feeling pathetic. I’d thought I was on top of it.
“Did you break up?” Rae asked quietly, and it took me a minute to understand. I looked down at the photo clutched in my hand. Beth sat on the sofa in our old quarters, doubled over with laughter, as Jase pulled a bodybuilder pose in the foreground with his top off and his combat trousers tucked into his heavy boots. His eyes were hidden behind mirrored shades, and he looked hot. Top-Gun hot. The sunlight pouring through the window had been kind. You couldn’t see the acne, or the scars. He just looked…hot.
My head started to swim again. I couldn’t do this. Not here, not yet. The silence stretched out, and then suddenly there was an easy way out just sitting there…waiting for me. And I took it.
“Yeah,” I said, clearing my throat and rubbing my eyes with my sleeve. “Something like that.”
“Sorry,” both girls murmured in unison.
“Yeah, thanks. It’s OK though. It happens.” I smiled, and they smiled back. And it was OK. It was way, way more OK this way. So much easier. Thank goodness for Rae.
“Can I have another look though?” Lilly asked, and this time Rae actually jumped on her and started hitting her with her own pillow, and my heart lifted. I went to put the photo back inside my book, then hesitated.
“Do you want some Blu-Tack?” Rae asked, taking a break from her attack.
“I’ve got some.” Lilly was quick to jump in, crawling out from under her friend and opening one of her drawers.
“No, that’s OK thanks,” I replied. “Not just yet. But, you know, maybe in a bit.”
I was about to slide it back inside the pages, when I caught Lilly’s pleading expression, and handed it over to her with a smile.
“Thanks!” She beamed back at me. “I’ve never had a boyfriend. This is like, inspiration for me! What’s his name?”
“Jason. Jase.”
Rae looked at the photo over her shoulder. “He is seriously fit, Abby. Well played. How long were you guys together?”
“We weren’t really together together. I mean, he’s…nineteen…and a friend.”
“Nineteen! Your parents must’ve freaked!” Lilly squealed.
“Yeah, well, no, cos it wasn’t like that. I mean, I’m only fifteen.”
Lilly’s face went almost as pink as the décor. I scrambled to explain before mine followed suit.
“I mean, his dad’s in the same squadron as mine, and them knowing each other, well, it kind of made things a bit…I don’t know how to explain it, really. We were friends for ages. But we did sort of…after a while, I mean, there was this one night when we took things a bit further. Actually, quite a lot further.” Lilly’s jaw dropped, but I cut her off before she could get started. “Not that much further. Just when we were starting to get really close, Jase got sent off on deployment. Because the army exists purely to ruin my life.” I tried to make a joke of it, but I started to feel that darkness again, brushing lightly at the corners of my mind, always there: the sadness that touches on everything if you let it. “I haven’t seen Jase in months.”
I’d stuck mostly to the truth – only embroidering just a little around the edges. And it was what they wanted to hear. So where was the harm?
“But you will see him again, right? When he gets back from wherever? I mean, you guys keep in touch?” Rae asked.
“Yeah. Well, kind of. To be honest, getting into a relationship with someone in the forces is a recipe for disaster. Unless you’re in it too, like my parents – although then it gets disastrous for a whole new set of reasons. But yeah, we’re still friends, I suppose. Maybe when he gets back, who knows?”
“Oh my God that’s so sad,” Lilly blurted. “He’s so…I mean, not that you’re not…but he clearly could totally have taken his pick and…um…”
“Lilly!” Rae rolled her eyes, and I jumped in before Rae began