This ugly, destructive fighting makes me wonder: are you not interested in what you partner really thinks and feels? Is it so important for you to be right that you cannot hear your partner? Why do we continue to treat each other in such a damaging way if we know it never works?
We fight for our right to be heard and seen.
We should never fight to be right.
We know how to fight, how to hurt each other and damage our relationships. I don’t know about you, but no one has ever spoken to me about how to talk, how not to talk, and how to disagree with love. All we do is try, desperately, to be understood and seen. When you partner really gets what you are saying – when you feel seen – you feel loved and respected. In that moment, you feel calm again.
The three biggest mistakes couples make when they disagree are:
Interrupting. Most couples feel that they will forget their thoughts if they don’t articulate them the moment they have them. Of course, interrupting each other damages your relationship even more. The obvious solution to interruption is simply to take turns, and to make notes if you are worried that you won’t remember what you wanted to say when it is your turn to talk.
Screaming and shouting. In the classic screaming match, one partner says, ‘Stop screaming at me!’ and the other, ‘I am not screaming at you … I’m talking loudly.’ In a funny kind of way, we have all been there – arguing about arguing. When couples ask me, ‘Do you think I am screaming?’ the answer is simple: ‘If your partner thinks you are screaming, to him or her you are screaming.’ You need to honour your partner’s experience. You don’t have to agree, and you don’t have to like it, but you do have to accept that it is too much for you partner. If you respect his or her experience, you will tone it down.
On a scale of one to 10, one person’s volume tolerance may be three, and another’s eight – maybe because this person is Italian! Whichever way, your tolerance or sensitivity to volume is determined by how much sleep you have had, your hormones, what you had for breakfast, how your parents used to argue – and many other factors. It is a simple truth that when your partner says your voice is too loud, it is too loud for him or her. You need to respect this and tone it down.
Your sensitivity or tolerance to volume or tone should never be debated, simply respected.
Avoidance or walking away (the silent treatment). This is the other side of the screaming-and-shouting coin. It can be as damaging as screaming and shouting, and is its silent form. After an upset or a disagreement, you simply refuse to participate. You sulk and throw silent tantrums like a child, avoiding an adult-to-adult conversation. It can be very painful to feel that you are in trouble without knowing why. Nobody likes to live in silence and tension that lasts for days. The obvious solution is to say what you want to say as soon as possible, and not to act it out. When you are upset, you should speak your mind.
In relationships, there is a point of no return – a point at which your damaging ways start to destroy the core experience of your relationship. Your fights can destroy your love and respect for each other. So, get to know your pattern of destruction as soon as possible and promise each other to try your best never to speak to each other like that again. Only you can end it and then find a new way of speaking that celebrates your love.
Ending the damage that destroys your connection is one of the most important steps in any relationship. You need to come to a new agreement about your relationship that commits you to refrain from speaking to each other in ways that do not honour your love. Committing to this sacred agreement restores respect and trust in your relationship. Your intention is always to speak with love and respect. Do not argue about this agreement – rather accept your preferences without judgment or argument and always regard the agreement as important and relevant. Simply make a list of all the unacceptable behaviours in your conversations and agree that you will try your best to no longer behave in these damaging ways. Your promises form a new, sacred agreement, and your relationship will not survive if you do not honour it.
It is because we are imperfect human beings that we have imperfect conversations. Your intention is never to be perfect, but rather to try your best to have the best conversation you can have. To have conversations that bring you closer to each other, you need to be honest, calm and open to hearing and understanding each other.
Your intention is to stop hurting each other and start hearing each other.
If your imperfect human ways are damaging each other, you need to try harder. Take as many turns as you need to speak to each other with love and respect. You don’t have to be good at making conversation – you just need to be honest and non-damaging to the best of your ability.
If you make a mistake, such as screaming and shouting, claim your part in the damage. Apologise for your destructive contribution and try harder next time.
The intention is not to have a positive conversation, but a real and honest one. It is not about positive speaking, but honest, gentle speaking. It’s about talking, not screaming.
The way in which you engage with each other is at the heart of the experience of respect and commitment in your relationship. Your commitment to each other comes from the way in which you speak to each other. How you speak to each other will determine whether your love, which is built on respect and commitment, will grow or fade away. For this reason, you have to take it very seriously and watch how you speak. Always.
Questions to ask yourself
•How does the way I talk and behave in my relationship cause damage?
•Where do I need to work on myself to be less damaging in our conversations?
•In which ways do I behave that I am not proud of in my relationship?
•How would I like to behave instead?
EXERCISES FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Exercise 1: Make a list of damaging behaviour
Without blame or finger-pointing, make one list of all the damaging behaviours in your relationship (past and present) that you no longer want. This is not your chance to start a fight. Start by speaking for yourself first. You both get a turn to add one behaviour at a time that you would like to remove from your relationship, to create a list of damaging behaviours that you are both responsible for preventing in the future.
Exercise 2: Define how you would like to speak to and treat each other instead
Now, speak about how you would like to speak to and treat each other. Define a new way of speaking, disagreeing and being that would be good for your relationship. Here are some questions to guide you:
•How would we like to speak to and treat each other instead, from this day forward, which would demonstrate love and respect for each other?
•Which ways of talking and behaving do we prefer?
Exercise 3: Make a commitment to a new way of speaking
Make a promise (written or verbal) to each other that you will try your best to keep your damaging ways out of your relationship. Show your commitment to a new way of speaking and being in the future by writing it down. Speak about what you will do if you break a promise. If you speak to each other in damaging ways again, you need to apologise and talk about it. Questions to guide you include:
•What are the terms of our new commitment to each other regarding speaking and behaving?
•What do I promise to you and our relationship?
•What will we do if we break our promises to each other?
Step 2: Have some compassion
Look beyond the person who is upsetting and hurting you and ask yourself:
•Why is this person treating me like this?
•How is this person really feeling?
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