INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITIES
Assuming that multiples must all act and react in the same way is one of the biggest burdens you can place on your children. From the parental point of view, this is understandable because the workload is so much heavier and it would be far more practical if your two or three or more were to operate a bit more like clockwork! They are no different from any other children in their differing needs, however, be they siblings, cousins or friends. Rather than stifle their individuality by expecting them to dress in the same way, eat the same quantities at the same time, void bladders and bowels in unison and have the same sleep needs, concentrate your efforts on cultivating a support system that helps you deal with the facts of the matter.
PRACTICAL PLANS
It is vitally important that you do have short times away from your children occasionally, to fortify your parenting strength and to keep your relationship with your partner alive and healthy.
You should also focus on building up a reliable support system.
This might mean that you need a full-time nanny to assist you, or have a granny coming in regularly to help out, or that each partner takes care of one child at night, or even that you hire a night nurse to ensure that you get enough sleep.
I fully realise that the latter is an expensive option and that it might be unaffordable. Most multiple pregnancies are detected early in pregnancy, so you and your partner should do all you can to plan for this financial inevitability ahead of time.
Breastfeeding multiples
Nursing twins exclusively is quite possible but will inevitably take even more time than feeding a single baby. If you expect this, and prepare to have less on your agenda in the early months, nursing can be very successful. I suggest that you try to delegate as much as possible of the household duties to someone else, so that you do not feel like a workhorse! As is the case with single babies, after four to five months nursing will no longer be the time-consuming occupation it is in the beginning. Multiples often start life at lower birth weights and with compromised health, and will thus profit noticeably from breastmilk, so I would really like to encourage you to do your best.
Triplets and bigger multiples are understandably much more difficult to nurse. Your body would theoretically be able to produce enough milk, but practically it becomes a logistical nightmare. One suggestion is to rotate drinking siblings, so that for one in every three feeds each triplet receives a breastmilk feed. This is not easy as each child will become more used to the bottle, but it certainly may provide your children with valuable breastmilk for a short time.
MULTIPLES AND PREMATURITY
Parents of multiples often have to deal with the problems of prematurity too. All the usual joys and tribulations of raising ‘born too early’ children will be yours in huge dollops as well. (For more advice see section following)
ROUTINE, SLEEP AND MULTIPLES
I really do understand that parenting of multiples is not easy and I am not condemning the need to ensure a consistent routine for your babies, but I would like to suggest that you take great care not to break the spirits your children (or your own!) in the process of coping with their differing daily demands. Whatever you may try to do, they will act according to their natures and if you accept this as far as possible with good grace, they are also more likely to respond to your needs. Babies who are restless at night often sleep a lot better when close to someone they know and love. This could be a parent (they love sleeping with moms and dads!), but placing them two-in-a-cot often works wonders. It probably reminds them of their days tightly entwined in the womb!
Prematurity
Very few couples seriously entertain the possibility that they might suddenly be confronted with labour and the birth of a child, who will possibly be quite ill, before the expected date. If this happens, one is mostly caught totally unawares and unprepared.
THE NATURE OF PREMATURITY
From a medical point of view, both the weight of the baby at birth and the number of weeks the pregnancy lasted are taken into account when assessing the nature of prematurity. For most parents-to-be, however, the crucial factor is the shock of labour starting so much earlier than expected, and this is linked with the immediate fear for the baby’s safety and normality. There is no adequate way of preparing for this. Although some preterm babies might require very little specialised attention, prepare for the possibility that intensive medical care may be needed for your newborn.
Very premature babies are something of a shocking sight for their parents. You might feel that you can see right through your baby’s skin, which will be purplish-red and wrinkled – in fact, he will look thoroughly wizened.
Most parents of full-term babies are astounded by how small they are, so imagine the thoughts that must run through the minds of parents of a preterm baby which may weigh only one to two kg! The fear of handling this little scrap of humanity is combined with the fierce desire to hold and cuddle, bath and feed your baby like all the other mothers in the ward. These conflicting emotions are an added burden to parents of premature babies.
EMOTIONS OF PARENTS
Parents in this position often have to grapple with the possibility that their child might not live. One day everything might look very positive, the next you might be summoned to your baby’s bedside urgently, as medical personnel fear for her life. Nothing can prepare you for the sight of your own little baby lying there in the sterile and mechanical environment of an intensive neonatal unit, attached to all manner of life support systems. Close physical contact with a very ill, preterm infant will be kept to a minimum because of the danger of infection, although it is fortunately realised nowadays that a parent’s, and particularly a mother’s presence is an extremely important factor in the baby’s progress. I would encourage parents to try to be there for their babies (who also have to deal with their own shock) as much as possible. A loving grandparent can also help to keep vigil, imbuing the atmosphere with hope and a personal touch.
The possible ramifications of prematurity are manifold. Not only might you be confronted with your own ill child, but you may well be privy to the misfortunes of other parents and their babies. Your whole existence will be affected by this unexpected turn of events. Extreme tiredness might engulf you, anger at life, God, your spouse, the medical personnel, friends and relations who have sailed through the experiences of pregnancy and birth, are likely to strike you at some time or another. Do not deny these feelings, as they are quite normal and very common.
BABY’S NEEDS
Surround your baby with feelings of love and hope, and stroke and sing to him as much as possible. Play music regularly, and talk to your baby uninhibitedly – he is very familiar with your voice and it will provide great comfort. Do your best to express breastmilk: although your baby may well not be able to drink from you in the beginning, she needs the goodness and immunity of mother’s milk more than ever at this time.
Of course, many babies who are born before ‘their time’ are not in as dire straits as those sketched here. Yet there are other parents who will lose their babies, sometimes only after a long struggle. During this terrible time, words of comfort will sound hollow to you, but don’t shy away from your feelings. Don’t shut out the few special memories you might have of your baby, and don’t deny the anger and hopelessness you will frequently feel. Talk to someone special in your