weaponry
a boy in my first two periods made little origami lotus flowers out of bright yellow post-it notes. he left them on everyone’s desks before they started their final. it’s alarming how many people left them behind. having two made me feel like a queen.
people who find time to endlessly care about people they don’t even know are the most beautiful and intriguing kind of people to me. it’s impossible and they do it every day. they’re magicians of light and life that we see every day. it’s funny how we still wish for some higher power to save us when they are right in front of us
one of my closest friends sends me daily pictures of her cat. sometimes I just cry when I see it because she doesn’t know how much I feel like there is no good in the world. she just sees the cat-loving side of me and brings it to the forefront instead
I know so many people who beautifully embody certain specific traits. if I imagined determination, I would see the girl who sits next to me in AP Euro. I have never felt this admiration so severely
sometimes I buy chai tea from the library for cat girl. she always seems so touched. and I think it’s insane that people like her don’t truly see how much they deserve more than simple gestures.
listen, I do understand the quote “you don’t know your own weaponry” because some people don’t. the only self defense I know is that of the 26 symbols I control. I have no cat to send pictures of. no origami to create. no people who need to see me as something more than a human. for I know that I am nothing more. words are my weaponry. and they’re enough. my weaponry is more than enough for the task at hand. so is theirs.
falling in reverse
When I become too close to someone I begin to ignore the first impression I had of them for I feel I know them deeper.
But sometimes the first impression will whisper things to you that will save you from being drawn in.
For that impression is still a part of them. You just choose to look past it now.
I believe love is the purest form of ignorance. For if silence is death and love is also death, that means love is silence. Silence about what you know. What you choose to pretend that you don’t care about.
When people tell me they hate love, I tell them “that isn’t love.”It isn’t. It’s someone disguising themselves and doing a shitty job. For how can you hate something that is the only reason you exist. I love my work. Nothing more. Not now. I love the city. Nothing more. Not now. I am a hypocrite. For I often times also say that I hate love. And maybe I believe I do. But that’s useless. It’s useless to hate the inevitable. It’s useless to hate what consumes me. It’s better to just let it. Sometimes if you relax, it’s a little bit easier to fall. I love you and you are in my city. I love you and you are my city. You are a skyscraper of everything I’ve ever known to be true about the goodness of humanity. You are bustling yet quiet in just the right places. You are colorful. You stare at me like you know I have something to prove. I wear a reminder of the city around my neck every day. Sometimes I stare at it and wish one day we’ll be in that city at the same time and I can take you out to breakfast and look at you until sunset. I miss you. And I tell you nearly every day. You always say it back. I wonder if it’s just out of pity. For I really do miss you. The last time I talked to you, you held me like I was the only thing keeping you from floating away into the sky. I’ve never felt my heart beat louder than in that moment. Do it again. Do it a million times. I want to break the record. Sometimes I consider walking back into my church choir one day and sitting next to you. I’d be in the wrong vocal section. I don’t even go to church anymore because I don’t believe in the same god that you do. But I’d give it all up to get to talk to you for even a moment. It’s been too long. It’s been way too fucking long. I have so much to tell you. One day, when we meet again, I’ll say it all. Hopefully I don’t float away. I hope I float away. Because I’ll know if you really need me when you’re the one who gets to decide if I keep falling towards the sky.
a little more
1.
As much as you’ll let me
I will speak of you
And trust me, it isn’t much
I forget how far I have risen when I think of you
I spent two years “in love”with a boy at my middle school I didn’t know he was you until everything was too far gone to rescue And even still, I have not enough CPR training I couldn’t help you breathe again when you said I took your breath away That’s okay I’m sure you found a way to save yourself When we have stiff momentary conversations now You look to be in the closest stage to recovery Congratulations I took the journey myself It was a long one 2. A pristine pair of glasses is one object that both of us could have used It’s okay I know you wanted to fix me It would never have worked Not your fault I figured out how to fix myself 3. The first poem I wrote for you said that I had fallen for a boy in my church choir It was always so much more than falling For when you fall you have to hit the ground sometime Maybe sport some bruises or broken bones I never did I loved someone at a little further than arms-length away Close enough to admire and whisper to Yet so far away I could doubt that he existed And I could pretend I didn’t hear the whispers back I KNOW YOU LOVED THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T WANT TO WRITE ALL THE TIME I KNOW I DIDN’T I KNOW I WAS AFRAID TO SIT NEXT TO YOU WITHOUT BUILDING MYSELF A WALL OF WORDS I AM NOT ANYMORE THANK YOU 4. Stop checking for trolls under bridges You won’t find any Your monsters are not ones I can ward off No matter how much I want you That’s why I put off introducing you to mine You wouldn’t be able to handle that much responsibility It’s okay I don’t blame you for any of it I blame you for other things Like how many times my friends still ask me if we’re dating Because you were never one for labels And I have my very own labelmaker But listen We were the definition of gray area Its okay My lips were pink and buzzing I’d never felt anything like us before It isn’t my type I know that now At least I don’t have to wonder It’s okay Don’t apologize It is a currency for a country I do not belong in 5. I will never blame you for not coming back Your heart is one of soft music and strong beats And I know it beats faster when it is against mine Because I’ve felt it But I also know that no part of you wants to admit that I wouldn’t want to either I also don’t want to admit that when I watched you dance I couldn’t figure out how to clap in time with the music Because when you look at me like I’m still everything I don’t want to tell you that I feel the same I don’t want you to feel like the backup choice You were never the reckless decision I made at three am You were the conscious decision I made at 6:18 when I snoozed my alarm for the third time I’ll do anything I’ll be anything There’s so much of me that still looks at you and sees the boy who was always way out of my league I think I am not your definition of beauty That’s alright As much as you’ll let me
are we ever really ready?
i’m obsessed with a girl who i see every day for mere moments
she’s beautiful
we share such strange parts of ourselves with eachother
i want more but i also don’t
not because i don’t want to scare her away
although i am also afraid of that
but i also don’t want to scare myself away
because it’s easier to write about it than to have people look at you and think you are only the darkness
i am not