“Where’s my ‘toe-jam’ sandwich?” I said with a shaky voice. “You said I could have a ‘toe-sted’ jam sandwich for lunch today. Where’d it go?” I continued to splutter out nervously.
Looking straight at me in complete and understandable confusion, Mum replied, “What are you talking about?”
“You know, toe-jam – toasted jam sandwich … for the last day of school. I told you last week. We’re doing this health thing about, you know, jam and stuff, with the other thing, toast. I told you about it, you know … everyone’s doing it.”
Mum looked at me blankly for a second and then …
ring ring, ring ring …
I leapt across the room in a single bound. I’ve never grabbed the phone as fast as I did right then.
“Mum, it’s for you,” I said with a massive sigh of relief.
For the first time ever, I think I now believe in ghosts, or spirits, or something. I’d been saved from the motherly nagging jaws of certain DEATH, by a phone call. But I sure didn’t want to risk being around when Mum got off the phone. So now was definitely the right time to perform a disappearing act into my room.
I didn’t want to waste any more time. So I tore off my school uniform and chucked on some shorts. Then I started searching my room. If Mum hadn’t taken it, then it had to be in there somewhere. I know my room looks like an atomic blast has just exploded in the middle of a junk-yard, but still. How could such a magnificent ball of toe-jam and ear wax just jump up out of a shoe box and run away?
I was so peeved! I searched all afternoon and found nothing! Well not exactly nothing. I did find a peanut butter sandwich that I’d started a couple of weeks ago … and a dead mouse. I think he ate the sandwich. But I thought it still tasted fine, a little dry maybe, but still fine.
Anyway my toe-jam was gone, what a waste. Jared even called on the walkie-talkie to see if I wanted to come over and start work with him on a new bike ramp. It was going to be even bigger and better than the skate ramp that we’d made before. But I had to find my toe-jam otherwise no one would believe me ever again.
It was no use and I was out of time. “Dishes, homework, teeth … and don’t forget your shower before bed!” Mum was barking out as usual.
It was too late.
Sitting on the edge of my bed in just undies, I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my socks.
What the … am I going crazy? My toes were PACKED with toe-jam! I couldn’t believe it.
I grabbed a sock and wiped away the goop from my eyes. It was still in there! How? WHEN? Naahhh! I must have dreamt that I’d made my toe-jam ball the day before. That was it! It had to be … it was the only logical explanation.
“Lights out!”
“Yeah, yeah keep your teeth in your head Mum.”
I lay back and pulled up the covers, waiting for the sound of footsteps. There it was, the double-checking Mum, off to get some munchies and then back to the lounge in time for her ‘soapie’. I waited for the tell-tale sound of music telling me her show had started, so I knew it was safe to go. But while I waited, I couldn’t help thinking, had it all been some wonderful dream, to have the world’s largest toe-jam ball. The music started.
Torch on!
There it was, just as beautiful as I’d dreamt. The FLUFF, the moist sweaty DUNG, the ear wax … ear wax, but how? I checked my ears, they were wax-less. The usual dirt sure, but the wax was definitely already mixed in with the toe-jam and not in my ears where it belonged. I figured that I was just overtired. Anyway, balancing the torch on the pillow, I went to work pulling apart two toes at a time. Oouch!
A dry bit of toe-jam flicked up into my eye. It stung like crazy until I managed to wipe it away with my stiff, smelly sock. And that reminded me … I looked over to Flipper. SPOOKY! In the bottom of his bowl were a few big lumps of fluffy, MOULDY, toe-jam … weird. I didn’t want to think about it any more. I just dug away between the rest of my toes until I had my nice huge dob of toe-jam. Holding it up in front of the torch, I examined it carefully. Nothing unusual, it’s just toe-jam. I rolled it gently between my hands, forming a nice, furry, round ball. Then very carefully I placed it into the shoe box and turned off the torch. I was exhausted, I really needed to sleep.
That night, I dreamt again about my wonderful toe-jam. We were in this fantastic parade. There were streamers and balloons falling from the sky. Clowns were performing. Great columns of people were marching along and brightly coloured bands were playing music. We were sitting on top of the back seat in one of those cars without a roof, waving to the enormous crowds that had lined the streets. Me with my ball of toe-jam, sitting right there beside me. Mum was in the crowd, crying and waving. Jared was running behind the car, waving around his tatty, green, third place ribbon and still bawling his eyes out. Girls were screaming and fainting everywhere. And up in front was a huge banner hanging across the road:
Even my toe-jam ball was waving to the crowd and growing bigger and bigger. Suddenly he wasn’t a nice round ball of fluffy toe-jam any more.
Dark storm clouds were gathering overhead. The music was replaced with loud screaming as the band dropped their instruments to the ground. They trampled all over them and each other in their desperate hurry to flee. Mum suddenly looked SCARED and HORRIFIED. Jared was running in the other direction, away from the car, just like the rest of the crowd. There was total chaos all around me. The banner fell from above, landing across the hood of the car. I didn’t know what was happening. I looked across to the toe-jam … it wasn’t just HUGE any more, it was absolutely humongous! And it wasn’t smiling and waving to everyone any more. Gigantic teeth with green, dripping drool were growling and snarling at everyone. It was like my toe-jam had gone totally wild, completely ferocious and definitely crazy. But not at me, surely not at me? I was its creator, it wouldn’t hurt me … would it? Then in an instant, it turned towards me, glaring straight into my eyes.
Its mouth widened into a huge snarl. Green, hairy, mouldy teeth with slime dripping from them were coming closer and closer, suddenly it leapt at me … BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!
I slammed my hand into the alarm clock and sent it crashing to the floor.
What a NIGHTMARE! I woke up sweating like the armpit of a hippie crossing the desert in the middle of summer.
Reaching across and