SEBASTIAN: I have esophageal reflux.
BERNADETTE: I don’t know what that is. What is that?
SEBASTIAN: It’s complicated.
BERNADETTE: I’m not unintelligent.
SEBASTIAN: I never said you were.
BERNADETTE: You implied it.
SEBASTIAN: You inferred it.
BERNADETTE: I didn’t. Kip! Did Sebastian imply that I’m stupid, or didn’t he?
KIP: What?
BERNADETTE: Oh forget it.
SEBASTIAN: It’s like heartburn.
BERNADETTE: What is?
SEBASTIAN (Losing his patience): Esophageal reflux.
BERNADETTE: Oh. In what way?
SEBASTIAN: It feels like heartburn.
BERNADETTE: I See.
SEBASTIAN: I get it almost every night. It comes from sleeping on the wrong side.
BERNADETTE: Of the bed?
SEBASTIAN: Of your body.
BERNADETTE: I meant that!
KIP: When I die, I’d like to be thrown into the ocean.
SEBASTIAN: Pardon?
KIP: There’s a group that does that, throws you into the ocean. I can’t remember their name, but I—
BERNADETTE: Kip please, I’m talking to my brother.
KIP: Sorry.
BERNADETTE: It was a nice service, don’t you think? Not too much “God” and that sort of thing. Just enough. It’s important to find a balance.
SEBASTIAN: I suppose.
BERNADETTE: We were lucky. It looked like rain this morning. That would’ve been terrible. I think the clouds were appropriate.
SEBASTIAN: You cried beautifully.
BERNADETTE: Thank you.
SEBASTIAN: Very loudly.
KIP: She’s very good.
BERNADETTE (Coy): Stop, Kip.
SEBASTIAN: She always was.
KIP (To Sebastian): Do you cry?
SEBASTIAN: I’m afraid not.
KIP (Sadly): Neither do I.
SEBASTIAN (To Bernadette): You sang well too.
BERNADETTE: Thanks.
SEBASTIAN: Very audibly.
KIP: She cries a lot.
SEBASTIAN: What was the song?
BERNADETTE: “This Could Be the Start of Something Big.”
KIP: Did she cry as a child?
SEBASTIAN: I think so.
BERNADETTE: It was her favorite.
SEBASTIAN: Was it?
BERNADETTE: You will come back to the house with us, won’t you?
SEBASTIAN: I have to get back to the city.
BERNADETTE: But—
SEBASTIAN: I have an appointment.
BERNADETTE: It’ll be nice.
SEBASTIAN: Maybe afterwards.
BERNADETTE: People expect you.
SEBASTIAN: I’ll call you. It might be late.
BERNADETTE: Would you like to stay with us for a little while?
SEBASTIAN: No.
BERNADETTE: Kip and I have discussed it. He wouldn’t mind. Would you, Kip?
KIP: No.
SEBASTIAN: No thank you.
BERNADETTE: For just a little while, until the shock wears off. It was so sudden. I still can’t believe it. I may never take another shower.—You can stay for a week, or a month. Whatever you like.
SEBASTIAN: I don’t think so.
BERNADETTE: It’ll be fun! And besides, there are things to do, things to divide. There are heirlooms and furniture and Mother’s jewelry and the estate. We have plenty of room. Tell him, Kip.
KIP: We have plenty of room.
BERNADETTE: It’ll be just like when we were children!
SEBASTIAN: I don’t want to.
BERNADETTE (Sweetly): Do you remember when we were children?
SEBASTIAN: Vaguely.
BERNADETTE (Slightly hostile): Well so do I.
KIP: They should call this place Unpleasant Meadows.
BERNADETTE (Standing): I think I’m going to cry again.
SEBASTIAN: I’d rather you didn’t.
KIP (To Sebastian): Don’t waste your breath.
BERNADETTE: I feel so awful! I’m going to cry.
SEBASTIAN: Please don’t.
BERNADETTE: I can’t help it.
SEBASTIAN: You cry so loudly.
BERNADETTE: I’m sorry.
KIP: You get used to it.
SEBASTIAN: Let’s talk about something else—Kip, do you enjoy being a dentist?
KIP: God no.
BERNADETTE: Here it comes!
SEBASTIAN: Maybe you’re going to sneeze?
BERNADETTE: I’m not.
KIP: Teeth make me sick.
SEBASTIAN (To Bernadette): People will stare.
BERNADETTE: So what? What if they do? And I don’t see why people should stare anyway. My mother has just been buried! I would think some tears are called for under the circumstances!
SEBASTIAN: I don’t want people to stare. I don’t like being gawked at.
(Bernadette turns away and starts to sob.)
BERNADETTE: OH GOD!! I never said goodbye! I never—
SEBASTIAN (To Kip): It makes me uncomfortable.
BERNADETTE: I never told her I loved her!
KIP: Yes you did. I heard you.
BERNADETTE: But I never meant it!! I said what I was supposed to say when I was supposed to say it! Now it’s too late!
SEBASTIAN: Pull yourself together.
BERNADETTE (Turning to Sebastian): Why should I?! To please you? I’m very sorry but I can’t spend my life trying to please you. It’s been too many hideous years already, trying, reaching out to you—only to be spurned! Sebastian, I’ve tried to be a friend to you. You’re my brother and I want you in my life, but I can take no more humiliation! I matter too!
SEBASTIAN: Fine.
BERNADETTE: I’m sorry. I am. Really. I’m just upset and so I say things, ugly things. You can’t blame me. Can you? You know I love you, don’t you? Don’t you? I do. We only have each other now. Well you have me and I have—Kip. We’re so alone! We’re random, drifting orphans!!
SEBASTIAN: We’re too old to be orphans.
BERNADETTE: We’re Annie Warbucks and Oliver Twist!
SEBASTIAN: I