BERNADETTE: I don’t know what to do.
KIP: I don’t think I like it here.
BERNADETTE: What?
KIP: It’s too peaceful.
BERNADETTE: Naturally it’s peaceful. It’s a cemetery. Everyone’s dead. Did you expect picnicking families frolicking between graves?
KIP: That would be nice. We should have a picnic. Let’s go.
BERNADETTE: What are you talking about?
KIP: What’s the name of this place?
BERNADETTE: Pleasant Meadows.
KIP: It’s creepy.
BERNADETTE: Please don’t be disagreeable, Kip. Not today. Not now.
KIP: Sorry.
BERNADETTE: If I’m going to talk to him, it should be now. He should come back to the house. Don’t you think? People will think it’s odd. People expect him. Why should I talk to him? Why doesn’t he come over and talk to me? He saw me. I know he did. Do you think I should go over to him?
KIP: I suppose.
BERNADETTE: You think so?
KIP: He’s your brother.
BERNADETTE: We never speak. I never see him. I haven’t seen him in—He looks older.
KIP: He looks nice.
BERNADETTE: Do I look older?
KIP: Older than what?
BERNADETTE: Older than I did.
KIP: When?
BERNADETTE: Forget it. Why doesn’t he come over here!? I hate this dress. Do I look fat?
KIP: I like that dress.
BERNADETTE: What does that mean?
KIP: You look lovely.
BERNADETTE: Do I look fat!?
KIP: You’re not fat.
BERNADETTE: Do I look fat!?
KIP: No.
BERNADETTE: I feel bloated. I feel all puffed up.
KIP: You’re very thin.
BERNADETTE: I’ve been thinner.
KIP: When?
BERNADETTE: Of course I’ve been fatter too. I wish I’d known. I wish I’d had some warning. I would’ve dieted. I would’ve fasted. I hate seeing people! I hate seeing cousins and uncles and aunts. Cousin Paul was always so dashing. He looks like a helium balloon. God, I’m waterlogged. I feel like crying!
KIP: Please don’t.
BERNADETTE: Why should I be nervous? There’s nothing to be nervous about.
(General lighting comes up, revealing Sebastian as he was. Bernadette and Kip approach him.)
BERNADETTE: Sebastian?
SEBASTIAN: Bernadette?
BERNADETTE: I was afraid you wouldn’t even recognize me. I think I’m heavier than the last time we saw each other. I have no idea when that was. But I think I’m heavier.
SEBASTIAN: You look very well.
BERNADETTE: Thank you. I seem to be eating more than usual lately. I don’t seem to be able to get the food in fast enough. I don’t understand it. Did you see Cousin Paul?
SEBASTIAN: I didn’t.
BERNADETTE: Fat. Fat. Fat!
SEBASTIAN (To Kip): Have we met?
KIP: I’m Kip.
BERNADETTE: This is my husband, Kip.
SEBASTIAN: It’s nice to meet you.
BERNADETTE: You’ve met Kip.
SEBASTIAN: I have?
KIP: I think so.
SEBASTIAN: I’m very sorry.
BERNADETTE: Several times.
KIP: It’s alright.
BERNADETTE: At Thanksgiving.
SEBASTIAN: When was that?
KIP: I don’t know.
BERNADETTE: At the wedding.
SEBASTIAN: What wedding?
BERNADETTE: My wedding.
SEBASTIAN: I was there.
KIP: Thank you for the andirons.
SEBASTIAN: Don’t mention it.
BERNADETTE: Do you remember?
SEBASTIAN (To Kip): Did we speak?
KIP: I don’t recall.
BERNADETTE: You must’ve said something.
SEBASTIAN: I am sorry.
BERNADETTE: He was the groom.
KIP (Sadly): Don’t worry about it.
BERNADETTE: Kip’s a dentist.
SEBASTIAN: Congratulations.
KIP: Thank you.
SEBASTIAN: It’s nice to meet you, again.
KIP: I’m very sorry about your mother.
SEBASTIAN: Don’t mention it.
BERNADETTE: Can you believe it?
SEBASTIAN: Yes.
BERNADETTE: It seems unreal.
KIP (To Sebastian): Do you like this place?
SEBASTIAN: Pardon me?
BERNADETTE: Can I join you? I saw you sitting here, by yourself. I saw you at the funeral home, but—
KIP: The gravestones look like teeth.
BERNADETTE: Do you mind that I came over? If you do, you can say so. You won’t hurt my feelings. I’ll understand. Sometimes people just want to be by themselves. I enjoy being by myself quite a bit. Other times I enjoy being with—Kip. It’s wonderful to see you. I feel like it’s been years. Has it been? May I sit down? You were reading. Maybe you just want to be alone. Reading can be a wonderful escape. My best friends are all characters in books. I wonder what that means? Are you glad that I came over, or would you just rather I went away?
SEBASTIAN: Please sit down, Bern. You’re giving me a headache.
BERNADETTE: I’m sorry.
(Bernadette sits next to Sebastian. Kip sits on the ground.)
KIP: Don’t the headstones look like teeth?
SEBASTIAN: What does that mean?
KIP: Crooked and rotting.
SEBASTIAN: Well, I don’t know—
BERNADETTE: Forget it—
KIP: They look like teeth to me. Teeth in a very old person’s mouth.
BERNADETTE: Please stop talking about teeth, Kip!
KIP: I hate this place.
BERNADETTE: Why are you sitting on the ground?
KIP: Don’t bury me here.
BERNADETTE: Hmmm. So, what are you reading?
SEBASTIAN: Helter Skelter.
BERNADETTE: I never read that.
KIP: I’ve read it.
SEBASTIAN: I’ve read it before.
(Kip looks around, becoming morose.)
BERNADETTE: