It had been decided that the competition between kindergarteners would be based upon the number of sheets of paper they turned in throughout the school year, each sheet of paper representing one book. Now, my daughter loves books and loves to read. Unfortunately, I was unaware of this new rule, and although my daughter had definitely read enough books to qualify for a gold medal, I hadn’t turned in papers for all the books she had read.
When I arrived at the ceremony, I realized that my daughter was one of the few kindergarteners to receive a bronze medal. Apparently, most of the other parents had caught on to the competition’s new rules. In fact, almost all the kids were gold medalists! Now, I didn’t care which medal my daughter received because I know she loves reading and school, and that’s what is important to me. But I watched my daughter closely in order to gauge her reaction. Because she is in kindergarten and still quite young, she was so excited when she got her bronze medal, oblivious to the distinction of the different medals. When she sat down, she showed all her friends, smiling brightly. When her friends all came back with their silver and gold medals, my daughter was just as excited and happy. She wasn’t comparing herself against the other kindergarteners and, instead, was excited about her own accomplishment and happy for theirs.
There is a lesson here for all of us. In life, the second we start comparing ourselves to other people, there is a potential for us to suffer. We must remember that we won’t always win gold medals—in fact, few of us will. We will all occasionally experience failure, and we will all have setbacks. If we constantly compare ourselves to other people, we will experience constant suffering. No matter how successful we are, there will always be someone who is more successful.
Let me give you another example, this among adults. I work with people who have two, sometimes three homes. If these people have a beautiful home on the beach, they don’t compare their home to ones like yours and mine, but instead, they compare it to the other beach homes. Or they compare themselves having only two homes to those who have three homes. We must remember that if we compare ourselves to other people, we are going to suffer for we will never out-match everyone. To be happy, we must stop doing this!
The great wisdom we can gain from my daughter is that she wasn’t comparing herself to others. Instead, she was excited about her own individual accomplishment and celebrated her excitement. We can do the same; any of us can!
Suppose, for example, upon graduating from high school, you didn’t pursue further education. Many people choose this route, and that’s okay. There is absolutely no need to compare ourselves to others who possess a college degree while we have none, or who possess a master’s degree while we only have a bachelor’s degree, etc. Instead, let’s celebrate what we DO have. Let’s celebrate our children, our jobs, our friends, our memories, our lives! All we have to do is focus on what we DO have in our life and live it to the fullest. In doing so, we will lead a beautiful life because we will truly realize that every life is beautiful. However, the second we start comparing our lives to those of others, we will start suffering.
Let us remember that even if we win today, tomorrow we may lose. It is much better not to play the comparison game and, instead, celebrate our own lives as they are. Experiencing joy in what we do have is a better way to live and is one of the key components of happiness.
To stop playing the comparison game, we need to do two things. First, we have to accept the fact that comparing ourselves to others isn’t good for us and will cause suffering. Sooner or later, we are going to lose. Wouldn’t it be better to do something for the love of it, not caring if we win or lose? It is not that we can’t still be competitive, but if we lose, we should keep a smile on our face and say, “Hey, I had a great time doing that whether I won or lost.” As long as we need our self-esteem to be validated externally, we will suffer. We play the comparison game because we want others to think highly of us. We must remember that no matter how highly others think of us, their opinions are not going to make any difference.
It is not hard to prove this. Think of all the successful or famous people in this world. Are they always happier than a regular Joe? Always? No. And often not even some of the time. Successful or famous people still commit suicide and still do destructive things to themselves and to their careers. If it were true that being the best or being on top will make you happier, then all the successful or famous people should be happy all the time. But they’re not. How many times do we witness people who are at the peak in their profession leading a path of self-destruction? Being a CEO, a famous movie star, or top athlete isn’t necessarily the way to find happiness. It is far better to do what we love just for the love of it and to enjoy life as we are living it. When we are passionate about what we’re doing and we’re unconcerned about what others think of us, then we are happy. We must remember that the game of success can change in a heartbeat.
If you believe, as I do, that constantly comparing our achievements is not good for us, then what do we do? How do we make sure we don’t fall into that trap? The key is awareness. We are conditioned at a very young age to compare ourselves to others. Recall the early conditioning taking place in my daughter’s kindergarten class where the school changed how medals were awarded. We must un-condition or recondition ourselves. The way we can accomplish this is through awareness. Throughout the day, we need to be mindful and watch our thoughts, observing how often we compare ourselves to other people. Is she more beautiful? Does he have a nicer car? Do they have a nicer home? These types of thoughts and comparisons go on and on.
If we become aware of our thoughts, then we can change them. For example, let’s say we are driving our car and perhaps a nicer car drives by. We can look at that nicer car, feeling envious and saying things like, “Oh, they have a nicer car! Wow! They must have more money,” and so on. But instead, if we distract our thoughts and do something else besides making a comparison, then this constant comparing will happen less often.
We must also be careful of people who indulge in this comparison game. Some play it for keeps. These people look down on others because of what they perceive to be the others’ failures and are always talking about other people or their own successes. We do not need to hang around these people. They addicted to winning the comparison game. Would we want to have such addicts as friends? Probably not. People can get so caught up in always trying to be better than someone else. This way of living is purely self-destructive because the person will never be good enough.
One of my very close friends drives an old truck, even though he does well financially. He is extremely unpretentious, and that’s why he is one of my good friends. I have others that also don’t play the comparison game. If you find yourself surrounded by people who are playing the game, just change the subject and walk away. You will find that once you become more aware of it, you’ll participate less, and life will become much easier and will flow much better.
So like my daughter, let’s celebrate the bronze medals we get in life as joyfully as the gold medals. Just living is worth celebrating! If we manage to do that, then we will find that we are much happier and will enjoy life so much more.
Chapter Six
The Road to Happiness Is Found by Focusing on What We Have
Our minds create many thoughts that can lead to our being unhappy. But, the key phrase here is “our minds create.” The thoughts and beliefs that we hold in our minds greatly impact everything about us.
Here in the United States and in most places in the developed world, people are consumed by consumerism. So much of our unhappiness comes from wishing that things were different, wishing that we had something else instead of what we do have.
I met a woman once who had a beautiful daughter. Although very happy with her daughter, the mother really wanted another child. Even though her husband loved her and her daughter loved her, the woman was so utterly unhappy because she didn’t have a second child.