Finding Our Happiness Flow. Dr. Robert Ph.D. Puff PhD

we can work towards rectifying our behavior. Mostly what we do is focus on what we did wrong so we can do better. It’s not to beat ourselves up but. We want to learn from our mistake so that next time, if the other takes us back or if we get into a new relationship, the behavior that was dysfunctional from our part changes for the better. We change it by learning from our missteps.

      For instance, if the mistake is that we picked the wrong person, we try to be more scientific about whom we choose and not just let our emotions rule. We change our behavior and thinking and choices that don’t serve us well. If they aren’t healthy, we see if there is something we can do differently in picking a new partner so we will have a successful relationship.

      Let’s use the example of illness. Let’s say we go to the doctor and we are told we have cancer. So what we proactively do in this situation is research it on the Internet and speak to our doctors. We look at what we can do right now to make our bodies heal. Then we do that, after which we need to move to the next step. This step is about living well now. After we have worked to do everything within our power to fix it, we then have to live life, and we mostly give that tragedy little or no energy.

      Three, we move on. We have recognized that invariably tragedy enters life, and we have done what we can. Now, we carry on with life.

      Regardless of the tragedy, our dealing with it often involves grieving. As a clinical psychologist, I have found that grieving for about 5 percent of the day is all we need to get well. If, instead for example, people grieve all day long, they tend to be depressed and are not getting better. Grieving is essential towards healing, but it is not something we do continuously; it’s a small part of our day, an important part. We can spend a bit of time grieving—or even feeling angry—but mostly we just live.

      After a tragedy, our minds will want to go over the accident, breakup, illness, or whatever over and over. Each time we think about it, we can say, “Hmm. Can I do anything about this right now?” If the answer is no, then we don’t need to think about it. We drop the thought right then and get back to living. If we’re going for a walk, we just walk; if we’re with our friends, we’re just with our friends. We don’t sit around bemoaning the loss. That only keeps us stuck. What we need to do instead is get out there and be active, heal, and distract ourselves. There is time for healing, but there is mostly time for living.

      People do tend to spend a lot of time after tragedy just grieving and, thus, staying stuck and not getting better. To get out of this rut, we ultimately distract ourselves with something else. This isn’t about distraction in an addictive sense, though. An addictive distraction would be: “I feel bad. I don’t want to feel like this, so I’m going to take this.” Whatever “this” is—alcohol, drugs, another relationship, food, etc.—it is not the distraction I am talking about. Those are not healthy and not healing.

      A positive distraction means living in the moment and not covering up pain with some form of addiction. We get back to living how we have always lived well—by having a childlike approach, enjoying each moment, being present with not thinking about what isn’t anymore and what we’ve lost, not being in the future, not being in the past, but living in the now, enjoying life presently without thoughts, just flowing with life. And again when thoughts about the tragedy sneak in, we ask is there anything we can do right now? If the answer is no, then we get back to just flowing in the now, without all those damaging thoughts of ours. Thoughts are based upon criticism, thoughts are based upon wishing things were different or our desires. When we are in our thoughts, we’re not living in the now.

      Let’s go further with our example of driving drunk and causing a car accident and say we caused someone to die. Now, we have been sent to prison for five years. That’s a big deal. What do we do? If we have made amends and have gone to meetings to learn from our mistake, then we approach our prison term this way. We say, “I have five years here. How do I make this work well for me?” With all that time, we have several options—get into good physical shape take some courses that are offered in prison, perhaps learn an online skill, get involved with some groups, even meet some great people. We decide to do things to live well now. Even in prison, we can do that. It’s about living in the present moment, wherever we are.

      I actually know of a person who is in prison for life, on death row because of some bad choices he made, and he uses that time to develop his meditation practice. He has reached a point where he is very much living in the present moment and living well. We can do that, no matter what hits us, and turn it into something beautiful. There’s always something beautiful we can create, no matter how much tragedy strikes.

      This can be hard to understand, accept, and do, especially in devastating situations. We might never make sense of them until we go to heaven and God explains all to us. But until we get that answer, mostly we’re left with just living in the now and not thinking about the tragedy, unless we can proactively do something about it. No matter how hard things are right now, getting back to the now is always the solution. Living well in the present moment and loving what is, accepting what is, is always the key to happiness.

      So in review, there are three things we can do to deal well when things go bad.

      1.We acknowledge tragedy is part of life.

      2.We do everything in our power to make the situation better.

      3.We live life well now, focusing on the beautiful things in our life.

      There is always something beautiful to be with—always. So we can have beautiful lives even when bad things happen. Happiness is always there, always available if we choose it.