The addiction can be subtle. That’s why meditation and meditation retreats are very important for our minds and health. They help us look at ourselves so we can know how we are doing. We must remember that we are not smarter than addictions. We must be aware of how things are going in our lives. If we’re turning towards something that we can’t seem to walk away from, and we know that it’s causing us or others to suffer, then we must look at it and say, “Hmmm, what’s causing this?” Don’t judge it; just look at it and spend some time exploring it. If it’s a feeling that needs to be healed, then heal it. If it’s a habit, walk away from it. That’s the best way to treat addictions.
Let’s say we’re struggling with a food addiction—we love eating chocolate and often eat too much of it. Each time we feel like eating chocolate, we can instead distract our minds by going for a walk or doing something besides indulging. Walking is one of my favorite ways of turning my mind away from something that is unhealthy for me towards something that is healthy. Going for a walk is an awesome way to focus the mind on something else. Try it; you just might like it!
Addictions are a lot like mosquito bites. That initial desire to scratch the itchy, red bump is very strong, but if we focus our minds on something else, the desire to scratch goes away. So too with addictions, when we feel the pull, if we do something else to take our minds off it, it goes away. Remember, our minds can focus on only one thing at a time. Addictions are fed by thoughts, by creating stories like, “Oh, it would be so great to have that right now.” However, if we focus our minds on something else, the desires slowly get weaker and go away. They may keep trying to come back, but if we continue to refocus our minds, they will go away.
There are so many addictions. It may overwhelm us to realize how many things we are addicted to, and that’s why I truly encourage everyone who wants to be happy to allow some quiet time. We have to have the peace and tranquility of our meditations to know ourselves. That is truly half the battle of conquering our addictions, our goal towards long-lasting happiness. We can do it; it just takes time, effort, and awareness.
Let’s tune into our inner being, taking time to see where we are and what we are feeling, so we can stop numbing ourselves with addictions and live full, happy lives.
Chapter Twelve
Turn Bad Habits into Good Habits
Some of the habits we have are good; some aren’t so good. How do we transform our unhealthy habits into good ones?
I’ll use myself as an example. I love fudge, and on a trip to Gethsemani in Kentucky, I found the monks there make the most magnificent fudge. Every day, they have a sample for all the retreats. So, before I came home, I ordered myself a box, and since I’ve been home, I’ve ordered more because they ship all over the world. Every day, I came home after work and ate a box of fudge. That was a bad habit. Bad habits ultimately lead us towards unhappiness because anything we do that is unhealthy for us is going to cause us suffering. Actually, bad habits can often be seen as addictions. They start with something small but in time become addictive. Addictions leave no room for true, lasting happiness.
The first part of changing habits is to be aware of what we’re doing. So many of us have bad habits we’re not even aware of. We want to look and say, “Okay, is there something I have been doing that is causing me pain or suffering?” We have to be open to see them and then acknowledge them honestly. Eating a piece of fudge every day may not be that bad, but a whole boxful every day will be. So look at your habits and first acknowledge what you are doing.
Awareness is key because without it we can’t change the habit. That’s why I recommend every day taking some time for self-reflection and asking yourself, “How is my life going?” Is it doing well? Are you doing things that are healthy for you? An example is exercise. It is healthy for us, and if we’re not doing it, what are we doing instead? If we can acknowledge that every day we come home and we spend a couple of hours watching TV to unwind or having a few glasses of alcohol, we have to spot it and say, “Hmm, perhaps this is a bad habit that I need to begin to change.” It’s important that we are honest because we can really fool ourselves. Think about heroin addicts—doing their drug every day and not even aware of how it is ruining their lives. On some level, of course, they are, but they are in pretty strong denial. So, we need to look at ourselves honestly and ask, “How is this affecting my life now? What is this going to do to me in five, ten, twenty years? How is it going to affect others in my life?”
Habits that we feed get stronger with time. Let’s be honest about what we are doing because if we’re not aware, we can’t change the bad habits into good ones.
The second thing we need to do is create change through kindness and patience with ourselves. Once we discover we have a bad habit, we tend to be very self-critical. But this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we tell ourselves we’re bad, bad, bad for doing a bad habit, we’re going to stay stuck doing the bad—and stuck for decades. It’s actually the negative criticism that causes the bad habit to remain. We live down to that belief that we’re bad. When we’re critical, we focus on what’s wrong. There’s a very important question we can ask that will help us, especially because habits take a long time to change: “What can I learn from this?”
Instead of being so highly self-critical, we can see what we can learn from it. Kindness is going to help us more than beating ourselves up. When people get into a drug or alcohol habit, they wake up in the morning after using and are very self-critical. They feel like a terrible person, and even their loved ones might reinforce the behavior. A more positive habit is to go to an AA or NA meeting. So, instead of hearing “I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m bad” all day long, at the meeting, one can learn to separate the self from the action or addiction, build a little self-confidence, and begin to change. Feeling better about oneself and one’s ability to change leaves room for getting out of the addiction.
It’s the same with any habit. If we are self-critical, we’re going to repeat that habit over and over. If we want to blame something or someone for our habits, we could turn to genetics or our conditioning. But criticism of self or others isn’t going to do anyone any good. If you make a bad choice, ask what you can learn from it. It might take a bit of time, but we can change that habit.
Since we’re using awareness to understand our habits, we’re probably going to discover that most of our habits are methods to feel good after a stressful day. For example, when we’re tired, when we’re exhausted, when we want to come home and need to relax, we might eat fudge, drink a glass of wine, or smoke a joint. We think it will help us deal with stress and relax, but it’s bad for us because we can become addicted to the habit. But we remain in awareness here; we don’t criticize ourselves but only see what we are doing and why. To change the bad habit, we have to understand that change is going to come from kindness.
So what do we do next? We change habits by actually addressing that stress and doing something differently. It’s normal after a long day to be exhausted, and stress happens to a lot of people. Instead of having the fudge or wine at the end of the day, we come up with a good alternative. We ask, “How can I address this stress differently?” We change the habits. Let’s say instead of coming right home, we stop at the gym first as a way to eradicate some of that stress. Or, we go to friends and chat about what’s going on. Or, we go for a walk in the park. We don’t just remove the bad habit; we replace it with a new one.
Now, because the other habit is pretty strong, we may forget a few times, and if we do we can go back to asking, “What can I learn from this?” You might need to set an alarm to remind yourself to go to the gym or meet your friends, for instance. There are many things we can do instead of relying on the old habit.
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