Many of us are unaware of what happens to our gender in recovery and personal growth because it occurs in the context of our recovery, as part of a bigger process of learning and growth. That was certainly what I found when I interviewed men over fifteen years ago for my master’s research, as well as among the men I interviewed for A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps. When I asked, “How have your ideas of being a man changed since getting into recovery?” the number-one answer was “They haven’t.” I followed up with “You mean before recovery you walked around hugging other men? Asking for help? Talking about your feelings?” It was only when these changes were pointed out and they began to reflect on the question that they saw they were very different from the men they were before recovery. The same thing happened with a number of the men I interviewed for this book.
Men and women are essentially raised to be half human beings: Women are given one part and men the other. The breakdown could look like this:
We hear from an early age that “boys don’t do that” and “girls don’t do that.” Case in point: I was visiting my sister a few years ago. I was wearing a necklace made of different-colored, small, rounded stones. When my two-year-old nephew saw it he said, as intelligibly as he could, “Why are you wearing that?” “What?” I said. “That necklace. Boys don’t wear necklaces,” he said with great seriousness. I laughed, and yet I thought to myself, holy sh%$! Seriously? That young? My daughter also does this all the time. She doesn’t hear it from me, but she still “knows” that boys don’t paint their fingernails or wear long hair. It is not at all uncommon for her to make comments like “Boys don’t do . . .” and “Girls don’t do . . . .” These are observations she is making about the world in which she lives, and if I do not challenge those comments they become fact for her, stored in the processor of her brain. It becomes part of her Water, with no awareness on her part that it is happening. It happened to me, and it happened to you.
There Is No Gender Neutral
Without breaking into a treatise on oppression and marginalization, we cannot ignore the reality that some people receive benefits and advantages in this society simply because they belong to a certain category. And others get just the opposite—deficits and disadvantages—because they belong to another category or, said another way, do not belong to the dominant group. In terms of gender, men are the dominant group in our society (as in many others). Our society is patriarchal and “maleness” is the norm, the expectation, and even the subconscious default for many men and women. Unless both men and women are aware of this, it infiltrates all of our relationships in insidious ways. Once we are aware of it, we can choose to transcend it.
The issue of gender becomes even more complicated when you consider gay men or men of color who are part of a dominant group (men) and also members of a minority or marginalized group. As Gary put it in A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps, “Even though I am a man, I am a gay man, and being a gay man is the worst of both worlds. I am seen as a predator, weak, dangerous, sick, and as the ‘other’ all at once by the same people.” Psychologically, this can have seriously damaging effects on how these men express their masculinity and how they are able to engage in their relationships.
As we adhere to the old adage “To thine own self be true,” we begin to move toward wholeness as individuals. We round out the rough edges of our character and discover our true selves. The more we engage in our recovery and the process of personal growth, the more likely we are to move toward authentically expressing who we are. One aspect of this process is learning to love parts of ourselves that we were taught or told were not okay. Another aspect is coming to embrace parts of ourselves that we rejected. A third aspect is expanding what we see as possible, including ways of being that we never considered or had rejected without ever exploring, often because “boys (or girls) don’t act that way.” As I stated earlier, as a young boy I was always sensitive. I learned very early growing up in a violent alcoholic home that being sensitive was not okay (or emotionally safe). I learned to fear and hate that part of myself because I thought it was not manly. I have come to realize that it is a central part of who I am and I do not care if others think it is manly or not. In fact, it is a wonderful quality when I choose to express it in a healthy way.
Chances are you have your own examples of similar experiences. What is important is to be able to verbalize those experiences in a safe environment. This requires doing the work of self-examination and self-discovery. Equally important, however, is that you look at your experiences through the lens of gender to help the unseen become seen.
On a spiritual and moral plane, we don’t ever prosper by treating others as inferior or second class, or by engaging in any of the other ways human beings disparage one another. Nor do we ever prosper by accepting such statements. Such actions affect our spirit deeply. This is particularly true for those of us in recovery, because we are not dulling our consciousness or conscience. We are aware, are living an examined life, and are challenged to see that other people are not responsible for our behavior. And we become aware that the differences between individuals do not confer a status of one person as “better than” another. In fact, the differences enrich our lives. Ultimately, the two primary questions for men that I pose are: How are your behaviors consistent with the man the people in your life truly want you to be? More importantly, how are your behaviors and the beliefs you maintain reflective of the man you want to be?
If you want to have loving and fulfilling relationships, I cannot stress this enough: Screw the Rules! Be who you are, and you cannot help but show up, authentically and as the best man you could ever be. As Jim said in the quote at the beginning of this chapter, recovery gives you the opportunity to redefine what a man is and what that looks like for you. Bob said it this way: “My history of male models has lots of bravado, independence, and low emotional expressiveness. Since recovery I have been more willing to allow interdependence and emotional expressivity as essential aspects of me. As a result, I am more comfortable in my own skin.”
Into Action