Another important concept related to trauma is what Francine Shapiro, PhD, the developer of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a research-based trauma treatment, refers to as “big-T” and “small-t” traumas. Don’t be confused; “small” doesn’t mean the trauma is any less significant. It means it is easier to miss because it happens over an extended period of time and is often not seen or even treated as trauma. Big-T traumas are the ones that have a clear beginning and end. You can identify details regarding where you were, what you were doing, what happened to you, and what was happening around you. Big-T traumas can be car accidents, natural disasters, experiences in war, attacks or assaults, and so on. They tend to have a life-threatening dimension to them. The idea is that the individual is relatively stable and grounded in his or her life, and this experience is jarring and significantly impacts the individual’s sense of physical and/or emotional safety.
Small-t traumas are very common for people in recovery, especially for those of us who grew up in addicted and chaotic family systems. The example I give in trainings is having an abusive alcoholic father and trying to figure out the details around specific incidents. Was he drunk? Was it daytime or nighttime? Was he getting angry at the same thing he had laughed at a week earlier? Was he passed out, or was he wreaking havoc? Was it Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday? Was it when I was six, twelve, or twenty? There are so many more subtle details, and they can be so different depending on certain circumstances that it is difficult to narrow them down. There are many examples of small-t trauma: the kid who is bullied for being overweight or is treated as an outcast because he comes from a poor family or neighborhood or is effeminate or is of a different race.
The cumulative impacts of these small-t traumas can remain hidden from the affected individual. He tells himself they do not matter or are not important or are simply “the way things are.” They become “normal.” He tells himself, and perhaps others tell him, that he should just get over them, so he tries to not think about them and suppresses the feelings associated with them. The thoughts and feelings are still there, but they have not been emotionally processed. When this boy grows up, and as an adult gets into a primary relationship that even remotely brings up memories of such past experiences, these small-t traumas can be triggered—without him or his partner having any knowledge of what is happening. On the surface it seems that there is a major emotional reaction completely out of proportion to an argument or some situation, when in fact a past trauma has been triggered.
And this can easily happen inadvertently. An example from my life is when I would walk around naked in front of Nancy. If she saw my body and didn’t have a positive reaction, I took her lack of response to be a lack of attraction, or even disgust. I did not know that I was reacting like that, but it would often lead to a fight or my putting her down or being rejecting toward her because I had a deep wound of shame that had been incidentally triggered. That is the key: Previous traumas will be triggered unknowingly in your most intimate relationships. If you are unaware of this phenomenon and/or not paying attention to how it can play out in your relationship, you and the person you’re in a relationship with will end up upset, as well as confused as to what is the real issue. This happens to men all the time, because if they are not emotionally aware of what is happening and do not catch the feelings at an early stage, then they get carried away on a wave of anger that may have little to do with what is occurring in the present. And when the explosion of anger takes place, many of us make it the other person’s fault. They unwittingly touch our wound, and we get pissed off at them.
The truth is that a lot of men dismiss small-t traumas as something they should “just get over.” In some cases we’ve heard it, and may even continue to hear it from our loved ones and, for those of us in twelve-step recovery, our peers and sponsors. A common message in recovery is “You just need to work the steps harder.” Know this: However small it (the traumatic issue) may seem, it is important. It does matter. It is not just a small thing. And struggling with it does not make you less of a man. The steps may very well be part of the solution, but that doesn’t mean they are the sole solution.
What is important for you to understand is that if the issue causes you discomfort, then it is real. If it is something you have been struggling with for some time, it is not likely that you will be able to simply “get over it”; otherwise you would have done so by now. Sadly, the voices telling us we are not working hard enough in our recovery or that we are doing something wrong only reinforce the shame we feel about whatever is causing us such distress. The real healing starts by talking about it, and that means having people in your life whom you trust, people you know will not laugh at you or judge you no matter how foolish, weak, or ashamed you feel about the issue. Mike said, “I have found it important to put some time and distance between me and the traumatic event. To back away, breathe, and just feel. Then I need to connect with one of my go-to guys and hear myself talk about the experience, to gain perspective, and to feel safe. After that I’m in a better position to deal with whatever is necessary.” That is an excellent approach to follow whenever issues connected to past trauma come up and cause you discomfort and distress.
I started sponsoring a man named Joe who had seven years in recovery. He knew my passion for helping men move into an area of what we call “emotional recovery.” I ask the hard questions and create as safe a space as I can for the man to talk. And I listen. I hear him. And I am not restricted by the Twelve Steps or the philosophy and literature of the various fellowships. As much as I love that part of recovery, I also firmly believe in seeking “outside help,” as advocated in the book Alcoholics Anonymous: “God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons.” This fact is often overlooked by some twelve-step fundamentalists.
Joe mentioned to me that he hadn’t slept in his own bed, or even in his own house, for almost two years. He was spending a lot of time sleeping at the homes of friends. He came up with good excuses for doing this. What really impressed me was that he had some close friends whom he felt safe enough to open up to and they, in return, had opened their homes to him. I did not suggest that he work a step about his lack of faith or do a fear inventory from the Fourth Step, or suggest that this was due to some defect of character. Grown men with seven years of recovery don’t fear sleeping in their bed because there is something wrong with their recovery. They do it because of trauma.
Joe started seeing an experienced trauma therapist specializing in EMDR. He began to see that his difficulties started after his parents divorced (again) and worsened after he broke up with a girlfriend. Importantly, rather than engaging in an extensive regimen of talk therapy sessions, Joe learned a technique known as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is a process of tapping on key acupressure points, breathing, and doing positive repetitive self-talk. Joe began to see how shame and anxiety from these past experiences affected his ability to sleep peacefully in his bed. He also started slowly challenging himself to do things differently. But equally important, through EMDR and EFT Joe was able to rewire his brain and adjust the faulty connections created as a result of small-t traumas he experienced as a child that had been triggered in adulthood.
The brain plays a central role in the processing of traumatic experiences. Trauma has a profound impact on our brain and our body. The triune brain—a model proposed by the American physician and neuroscientist Paul D. MacLean and endorsed widely by trauma experts—includes the primitive or reptilian part of our brain, the limbic system, and the neocortex. When it comes to understanding and healing from trauma, the limbic system and the neocortex are critical. From an