“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”
Anna Freud
We’re all born narcissistic. This is a good thing. When we’re very small, the world is supposed to revolve around us and our physical, psychological, and emotional needs. Up until about age two, a child needs to be the center of their parents’ world.
If, as kids, our needs are regularly met year after year, we feel physically safe and unconditionally loved and confident. When we reach adulthood, we are physically and emotionally ready for the world and free of any EN. Yet this is generally not what children experience. Instead, most of us grow up emotionally wounded. Our psyches are bathed in EN, and we are surrounded by people who also suffer from EN.
As children, we each have a host of physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. These range from food, shelter, clothing, and safety to feeling counted, heard, believed, comforted, and valued. When we’re young, we are wounded each time one of our physical and emotional needs is not met. As children, most of us are wounded often in this way.
Please note that I’m talking about needs, not wants. As children, we may want to go swimming; however, we need to be fed. Not always getting what we want—and learning to handle the disappointment we feel in response—are important parts of growing up. However, being dismissed or discounted or ignored does wound us.
Many of these wounds are both commonplace and invisible to adults. For example, a first grader tells her mother that she wants to wear her hair in braids. However, her mother insists that she wear a ponytail. A third grader wants to play soccer, while his father, who played baseball, insists that his son do the same. In both cases, the children don’t feel heard, counted, or valued.
Parents are generally unaware of how and when they inflict these wounds. They are simply repeating the patterns they experienced when they were younger.
To help you see how commonplace these wounds are, and how small we are when they begin to affect us, let’s look at two more detailed examples.
BOBBY AND HIS FATHER
Bobby’s parents, Ned and Michele, are getting him ready for a party for his first birthday. Both his parents are excited. Bobby doesn’t understand much of what is going on, yet he sees there is a cake in the shape of a car, and he likes cake. People are hanging decorations, and his father is dressing him in a special outfit.
Soon his relatives start to arrive, and everyone starts to make a fuss over him. At first Bobby enjoys this. Then more and more people arrive. The house gets louder and louder and more and more crowded.
Bobby starts to feel uneasy and a little frightened by all the commotion and attention. He starts to cry. He looks around and sees his grandfather, whom he adores. He points to his grandfather and says, “I want to go to Grandpa!”
Bobby’s father Ned is disappointed and upset. He and Michele planned this party for weeks. He is excited to present his son to the crowd and show everyone how great Bobby is. Now his son doesn’t even want to be with him and wants to be with his grandpa instead. Plus, Bobby’s crying is interrupting Ned’s plans to show him off.
Ned tells his son, “Settle down, Bobby. Everything is okay. You’re fine. It’s a party. We’re all here to have fun.”
Yet Bobby doesn’t feel that everything is fine. He insists on what he wants, what will help him feel good: being with Grandpa.
Begrudgingly, because he is feeling the pressure of Myth 2, Ned hands his son to Grandpa. Bobby feels his father’s disapproval. He knows he’s not doing what he is supposed to do: please his father (and follow Myth 1).
Neither Bobby nor Ned can recall this incident today. Nevertheless, on that day Bobby began to learn a lesson that would be repeated many more times throughout his childhood: he is expected to stifle his own wants and needs (Myth 3) and, instead, take care of his father (Myth 1).
It’s normal and healthy for Ned to be proud of his son and for Bobby’s parents to throw him a party and want to show him off to the relatives. However, when Ned made it Bobby’s job to make Ned proud and happy, this was Ned’s EN at work.
Ned carried his own childhood wounds inside him. He was the oldest of four children raised by a divorced, single mother who worked two jobs and was often exhausted. As a result, Ned’s needs routinely weren’t met. This wasn’t because his mother was unloving; she was simply overwhelmed. Ned grew up feeling that his own needs and desires often didn’t count (Myth 3). Bobby’s behavior triggered in Ned that old pain of not counting. In his annoyance and anger (Myth 2), Ned unwittingly passed on a bit of his EN to his son.
Ned and Michele are loving and reasonably functional parents. As with most of us, though, EN has become part of who they are, how they make their way in the world, and how they raise their son.
This one event won’t harm Bobby that much. The problem is that similar events will occur over and over, year after year, and no one—not Ned, or Michele, or Bobby—will recognize how the myths, the principles, and the pain of EN are being passed on from one generation to the next.
KYOKO, HER MOTHER, AND HER GRANDMOTHER
Two-year-old Kyoko and her mother Ayami are visiting Kyoko’s grandmother Mika on a hot summer afternoon. While Kyoko is busy playing with a doll and her mom is in the bathroom, her grandma suddenly picks up Kyoko and hugs her tightly.
Kyoko doesn’t want her play to be interrupted. She is also hot and sweaty and doesn’t want to be hugged tightly by anyone right now. So she tries to push herself away. In response, her grandma holds her tighter and says, “You’re so cute! You’re a perfect little doll!”
Trying to escape, and angry at how her grandma is treating her, Kyoko grabs the string of pearls from around her grandmother’s neck and pulls on them. The necklace breaks, sending pearls scattering everywhere.
Kyoko’s grandmother sets her down on the sofa and says angrily, “Shame on you! Look what you’ve done!” (Myth 2)
Ayami enters the room a moment later, sees the pearls all over the floor, kneels to pick them up, and acts out Myth 1.
Mika says to her daughter, “You need to teach your little one some manners!”
Ayami looks up at her daughter and says, “Honey, you need to be more careful. Look at the mess you made.” Here she expresses and reinforces Myth 2. Now both adults are holding a two-year-old responsible for their unhappiness. This helps to teach the child Myth 1.
Kyoko can barely speak in sentences, let alone articulate her needs. When her grandmother forced her into an unwanted hug, Kyoko responded in a very appropriate way for a two-year-old, by trying to separate her body from her grandmother’s. She clearly and honestly expressed her emotions and desires.
Kyoko’s grandmother ignores this and does only what she wants. Understandably, Kyoko feels angry—and expresses that anger. Wouldn’t you feel angry if someone hugged you against your will?
Then Kyoko’s grandmother tells her that she did something wrong and shameful. A few seconds later, her mother also reprimands Kyoko for doing the wrong thing. Yet no one cares to understand Kyoko’s actions. (This is Myth 3 in action.)
Although she is too young to name or understand her own emotions, Kyoko feels judged, rejected, shamed, overlooked, and alone.
Mika