Moving Beyond Betrayal. Vicki Tidwell Palmer

It is wise to carefully consider with whom you share information. Because sex addiction is not widely understood, the input and advice you receive may cause more harm than good. Be especially aware of people who immediately tell you to leave or say things like, “I can’t believe you’re still with him,” or “I didn’t think you would put up with behavior like that.” This kind of advice and feedback is not supportive and actually harmful. You may choose to leave, but you likely have a huge investment of time in the relationship, and perhaps children to consider. Your best course of action is to find a therapist, join a support group or twelve-step community, educate yourself about your situation, and practice the very best self-care you can.

YOUR SELF-CARE IN EARLY DISCOVERY

      In the early stages of discovery and disclosure, your world has been turned upside down and—in many ways—shattered. Your brain is trying to assimilate, organize, and comprehend all the incoming data that doesn’t correspond to the way you saw your life, your relationship, or your family pre-discovery. You may spend much of your day asking your sex addict partner for information and details about his acting out or engaging in some form of detective work—combing through credit card or bank statements, phone records, or email accounts. You may have even gone a step further and installed keystroke logger software on a computer or phone, or a GPS tracker on your partner’s vehicle.

      It is completely understandable for you to want to use all means to seek safety through gathering information that has been systematically and deceptively withheld from you. If the sex addict in your life seeks professional help from someone knowledgeable about sex addiction treatment and recovery, he will be given the tools and guidance to prepare a formal disclosure to give you all of the information you want and deserve, followed up by a post-disclosure polygraph if you request one.

      As understandable as it is for you to seek safety through gathering information, this will not be your greatest strategy for creating safety. Your greatest source of strength and safety comes from your practice of good self-care through the use of effective boundaries—knowing how they work, how to create them, and what to do when they’re broken.

      In the next chapter we explore the concept of boundaries and how to recognize a good one when you see it. But first, let’s look at the basics of your self-care plan as you navigate this difficult time.

      A simple way to think about the primary components of your self-care is the PIES model:

      P Physical

      I Intellectual

      E Emotional

      S Spiritual

      Following are examples of how partners practice self-care using this model.

       Physical

      STI Testing—Even if you don’t believe your partner has had sexual contact with another person, you need to be tested for sexually transmitted infections/diseases. Some partners tell me they don’t see why they should be tested, either because the sex addict has already been tested or because they don’t believe they should have to go through the embarrassment of a visit to the family physician since they didn’t do anything wrong. The reality is that regardless of what your partner has done, you are ultimately responsible for your own physical health and well-being. If you’re uncomfortable going to your regular physician, consider going to one of the many high-quality community clinics that offer anonymous, low-cost STI testing.

      Safe Sex Practices—I am always concerned when a partner tells me she’s having unprotected sex with the sex addict after discovery and before the formal disclosure process. Even if you don’t believe your partner has been sexual with anyone else, you owe it to yourself to use safe sex practices each and every time until you have more information about the addict’s behaviors.

       Intellectual

      Knowledge is power. Partners should read a variety of books about sex addiction or those specifically written for partners of sex addicts. In addition to gathering information, you will save time and valuable resources by going to a sex addiction specialist first. I’ve heard many unfortunate stories of couples going to therapists who weren’t knowledgeable about sex addiction and offered advice like, “Just go to Victoria’s Secret and buy some new lingerie,” or “All men ________ (fill in the blank),” and worse.

       Emotional

      One of the most difficult realities of dealing with the aftermath of discovery is that the person you used to go to for comfort and reassurance has become the person who feels the least trustworthy to you. The sad truth is that even before discovery, your relationship was not as intimate and close as you may have believed. Addicts who are still acting out or who have recently sought help are generally not emotionally available to provide the kind of support, validation, and empathy you need.

      Over time, and with healing, the sex addict will become more present and emotionally available. However, in the beginning, you will benefit from finding other sources of emotional connection. Trusted friends, communities of support, and therapy will be your lifelines as you deal with feelings of isolation and uncertainty about whom you can talk to.

       Spiritual

      Now, more than ever, you need spiritual support and guidance. Spiritual practice can be as simple as spending time in nature, reading inspirational books, or listening to audio programs that bring you a sense of comfort, hope, and peace. If you belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque, I encourage you to attend regularly if your spiritual home is a place of strength, support, and comfort to you. If your spiritual life has been dormant, this is a great time to explore spiritual practices that resonate with you, or religious communities you’ve been curious about.

      Now that you have a good understanding of the sex addiction recovery process and a foundation for your self-care plan, let’s take a look at the basics of boundaries.

       CHAPTER THREE

       First Things First: How to Recognize a Good Boundary When You See One

       “Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.”

       —Edwin Louis Cole

THE HUMAN URGE TOWARD SAFETY

      One of the most basic human needs is safety. In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed a theory he called the “Hierarchy of Needs” that has become one of the most widely used theories on human needs. Maslow proposed that all human needs fall into one of the following five categories:

       1. Physiological—food, water, sleep.

       2. Safety—security of body, relationships, employment, health.

       3. Love/belonging—family, friendship, sexual intimacy.

       4. Esteem—confidence, achievement, respect.

       5. Self-actualization—creativity, knowledge, innovation, achieving one’s potential.

      According to Maslow’s theory, the “lower” order needs beginning with the physiological requirement for food and rest, for example, must be met in order for the individual to progress to “higher” level needs. Without a foundation of safety—the second most important need in Maslow’s hierarchy—humans cannot achieve other, higher level needs such as the need for love, connection, creativity, or self-actualization.

      Whether you’re conscious of it or not, you are continually using your senses to scan people,